Vent siggy is soggy

thank you!!!!!! I've already got ideas for treats but I'm getting way ahead of myself

if you wanna chat about prompts ever you can message me on discord whenever!!

 

feeling suicidal all over again lmao

not gonna do anything but,, sigh

 

i guess i just, it's always the same w/ me and my art, i feel like ill never get where i want to be, or i feel like im hella behind everyone i know to the point of just,, giving up in a way?

i dunno, i just, feel like i wouldn't do anything worth while for myself, and i feel like im here just so i can provide mediocre nsfw.

i know i sound silly and i think it's just me being tired, just, i dunno, goodnight

 

im just repost what i said on twitter so i can delete it from there

im just, mad, no matter how much work i put into my art it's never spread wide enough like my fucking doodles sometimes do. there's a whole reason why i put more effort in the asterius/theseus pics cuz i want them to look as nice as possible just in case but even then i feel like it's not good enough, nothing i make will be good enough no matter how fucking hard i try. like this is why i like to retweet art cuz i want it to be seen, but, i know it may never happen to me much or at all cuz my style will never be "good enough". i'm always **right there** on being good enough on everything i do, no matter how hard i try, or how much effort i put in for anything, it's always 'almost'. like damn no wonder im not dead yet, i'm not pushing myself hard enough to do that :)!!!!! god i'm pathetic, goodnight.

 

like wow i'm never satisfied with anything, even if im incredibly proud of it, i feel like what i make it will never be good enough for me or for anyone else. my nsfw is mediocre, my sfw is mediocre, i'm just, im not good *enough* ever

 

its funny cuz i am so aware how silly i'm acting, and i know i need to only focus on my own growth, but i guess i'm?? just, im frustrated at myself, and what i mentioned earlier w/ me 'almost being good enough' has been a thing over my head ever since i was a child. being 'boarderline gifted' really solidified that i will never be good enough.

and im just, i guess im upset seeing others gain so much popularity in such little time and i guess im,, sad i've been doing what im doing for 10 years and i feel like i haven't done much, which i know thats a lie, but i guess for me, i feel like i never have good ideas for anything, i always feel like im taking from others, or like, my way of wanting to be recognized is making something for others. like fanart of fics i like, but, i also want fic writers to get noticed cuz i like their story, but i also, i guess some selfish part of me is hoping that will get me a small leg up too.

i dunno, i'm crying as i write this cuz i dont know what to do and i need to finish some commissions,

 

the funny thing about me is that i cry and complain but at some point i just, i go and do what i wanna do cuz i have nothing else to do? i dunno

but, i guess in good news, i got a laptop! and then imma buy a tablet to go with it so i can travel and stay w/ friends longer if i can ;;;

 

ive been having not great days of,, realizing how obnoxious i was all throughout my life lmao

 

trying real hard to tell myself my art is good and i am doing great but it's real hard hhh

 

if it helps at all i admire the HELL outta your art!!

 

h!!!!hhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;;;; <3 <3 <3

 

your art is amazing af and I love your OCs and everything you touch is GOLD

 

l, liz..,, !!!!!!!!! hhh!!!! im gonna cry ;;;___;;; <3 <3 <3 thankyou,.,

 

i am sending you the biggest internet hugs, here they come you better watch out!

 

@mcsiggy you're on the list of people I wish I could collab with your shit is stellar! for real!!!!!

 

;;;; !!!!!!!!!! <3 < 3< 3< 3<3
thank u aaa, one day!!! one day a collab hopefully!!! ;O;

 

there's not a love button so here:

 

remember this a year ago? lmao

Spoiler: stuff happened in february, it'll be messy to explain but whatever

honestly long story short, i retweeted a post that has #proshippingartstyle and someone decided to dm me saying proshipping is support of, incest and pedophilia, the usual anti lies and shit. i said no, it wasnt, tried to explain to them but they kept saying shit that undermines me trying to give examples, including my own trauma as an example, and in the end we blocked each other and they spread around quietly saying i support CP (i dont) because i kept trying to say that real people shouldn't be on the same level as cartoons, and if no real person was involved in making something, then it shouldn't matter. like i even kept agreeing i dont like shota/loli stuff but again, a lot of that is fake and as long no real child is involved it doesnt concern me.

well beek got ahold of it and decided to pretty much lecture me on this shit, despite him being a 30 year old who should fucking know better. cuz it's funny, being told fiction effects reality, like yeah i am aware it does ex hetalia artist who's also drawn homestuck porn, but i think with my fucking brain and know that reality also effects fiction and that it's not a 1:1 street. knowing right from wrong is legit the base line for this shit but i know he doesnt get it lmao.

like it's rich, him telling me this, cuz i found out from one of our mutual friends (which he pretty much bullied them into having them unfollow me/saying to block me) was also hurt by him the same way he hurt me, and that he's also :)) groomed a teenager and possibly another! :) making the first teen think everyone hates them! BUT ALSO, HE HAS PRETENDED THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT SOMEONE WAS A SEXUAL ABUSER! FOR M O N T H S!

like, wow, me saying fictional characters are fake and real people matter more than them warrants all my mutuals to unfollow and block me and them thinking i support cp, but beek's allowed to be friends and buddy buddy with everyone despite all the awful things he's done, i love it, good clique cult shit in that small community, i'm glad i stopped trying to go to rp events, i didn't feel like watching people kiss beeks ass and him just doing literally nothing the whole time.

this happened around valentines day but im now putting this here as i guess it was a 'i told you so' thing for me but also i'm glad i didnt try putting effort into trying to rekindle anything. cuz i think at some point last year i'm just, what is the point, the moment i somehow 'fucked up' is the moment he drops me cuz i know he saw me as an annoyance and a threat. an annoyance that people liked my stuff more than his (cuz i actually make content for my fucking ocs) but also i know shit about him he knows he doesn't want people to know, like how he's hurt me, and other people in the past, how he lost a cat and essentially killed it because he couldn't be assed to actually look for the damn animal, and now this new info of him defending an actual sexual abuser, and him grooming teens and keeping them close before throwing them away for a new person to talk to. mind you, he is 30 now. and i've been over here keeping my full distance from teens a good chunk of the time too :)

but, in the end, i'm not as upset as i thought i would be. i'm sad a bunch of people i liked seeing unfollowed me and decided to block me w/o asking my side (thinking the screenshots are enough from my end when im constantly saying i dont support cp and cartoons aren't cp unless a /REAL CHILD/ is involved lmao), but im happy the friends that did matter to me did listen and are still my friends, even if one of them has been bullied to unfollow me and we can't interact in public anymore.

like, this whole situation i guess half triggered me in terms of i'm a minority, a small artist, someone who's disabled and beek and others decided to try to ruin my reputation in some way. (i guess it is important to note that beek is also very white so hey another checkmark there i guess??) i didnt notice a change cuz i found out a decent amount of people don't like beek so i'm still in the wow fandom, but for one pairing where, surprisingly, the person who's more bignamed for that pairing also hates beek cuz beek said Wranduin (wrathion/anduin) is pedophilia because wrathion is like, 10 year old dragon, but the kicker is he looks like this:

Spoiler: Wrathion is a whole ass adult man who is a dragon

both characters are adults and even when they were mid/late teens before thier updates/story development, people still shipped them cuz they're legit cute together.

but... yeah. I'm glad people decided to unfollow me, i guess it was the best way to remove the trash w/o me worrying. happy new year i suppose.

 

o o f, that’s such bullshit on their end. so sorry you’ve had to deal with so many assholes, you super do not deserve that shit! >:/

(also heads-up that the image appears to be borked? just figured i should let ya know)

 

aa i hope i fixed the pic? but yeah it's a lot but, i think i'll be fine ;w; thank you <3 <3