Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Coriander, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. Coriander

    Coriander Active Member

    So this summer I'm the adult-in-charge of my 12yr old sister, which is a great gig! I love my sister. But also it means that I'm spending around twelve hours a day with this kid.
    And sometimes, and I really don't mean to, I snap at her.
    For instance yesterday, I told her I didn't want to go to the store and pick up a book that came in for her on my own bc everyone at the bookstore has lowkey known me since I was six. It's a difficult-anat0-navigate social experience for me since I'm back from college and I want someone else there with me.
    But when I said, "i don't want to do this alone" the kid's reaction was "why?" so I explained the social thing above and she again asked, "why?"
    and I yelled at her, which I don't really do all that often, and which I haven't done to anyone while at college: "godddamit kid I have an anxiety disorder I don't know why don't ask me why"
    And I feel really bad for yelling like that
    This is not an isolated incident this summer. It seems she has a habit of pushing all my brainbent buttons and make me really, really frustrated.
    Any advice on what to do?
  2. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    Apologise? And possibly explain what is going on with you. A 12 year old is generally quite sharp and should be able to understand. It is also important to stress that she is not bad for making you have this reaction, I think.

    Did it frighten her? If it did, it might be worth it to point out that you did not want to do that.

    Can you schedule time so that she has time to herself to do stuff and you have time to recharge from her?

    Did her asking the questions irritate you or was it that she expected you to have the answers immediately?

    I think since you will be spending a lot of time together, it is important to have some separate time too. I do not know what she likes, but I recommend helping her to meet her friends and do her activities if you can. This means you have time to recharge on your own and she won't feel cooped up with big sister. And explaining what is going on is also really important because kids can quite easily internalise that they have done something bad and that it is their fault.

    Consistency is also another thing to keep in mind.

    The more you ponder and discuss on what makes the snapping happen and the more you take action to minimise it happening, the better summer will be for both of you.

    I certainly feel the "questions all the questions" thing. I have brothers (14 and 11), and they really don't get that you shouldn't question question all over the place sometimes.

    PS. You're not a bad person at all. Kids can be trying even for completely neurotypical people.
    • Like x 1
  3. Coriander

    Coriander Active Member

    Thank you so much for that.
    Part of the difficulty for me right now is that she's having some social drama going on and so she doesn't really want to leave the house. At all. Ever. Even though the only way I know of to let go of the fact that you're friends are being assholes is to make new ones, which she and I have discussed multiple times. It's an uphill battle.
    So anyway it's extremely difficult for me to get time away from her because she pushes back really hard against anything I suggest that involves leaving the house, even if I'm doing it with her.
  4. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Could being in different rooms work at all?
  5. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    You are welcome!

    Hmm, that sounds a little more complicated.

    Do you have the option of consulting with your parents about what could be the best to do or would you rather not do that? Because I can understand being twelve and not wanting to go out of the house ever, but at the same time that is making things harder for you. Of course, over here what we do sometimes is pretty much tell the brothers to go outside and be there for several hours on their own, but that might be a security nono depending on where you live.
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