No, really, I do actually have this friend. I befriended her at the the beginning of last semester cause I thought she looked lonely and sad. (In retrospect, me trying to "rescue" her was likely where the problem started.) She was funny and friendly but also dealing with a considerable amount of mental shit. And I became her confidante, because I felt bad for her. This was a mistake. She was near-constantly suicidal and always talking about how much she hated herself and wanted to hurt herself and I would feel like I had to talk her down. She'd drink to excess, and then the alcohol would make her anxious so I would try to comfort her and keep her out of trouble. She talked about homicidal urges enough that I started to feel unsafe being around her. I didn't do anything to actively discourage this at the time because I thought I could help. I really couldn't, and my own issues just made the whole relationship suck for me. I didn't finish the semester cause I tried to kill myself, and I in no way mean to imply that she had anything to do with this. When I started the new semester I decided it wasn't healthy for me to be so closely involved with her, and I set a boundary that she couldn't talk to me about suicidal thoughts and the like anymore. We stayed friends though. I still kind of feel angry and resentful towards her for "making" me help with her problems. I also just don't really feel comfortable around her anymore - I tense when I see her, I start to get fear-associated sensations when I hear her voice, or hear someone who sounds like her. It's hard to avoid her because she lives on my hall and we see each other every day. So, how do I either A. Extricate myself from this relationship while causing her minimal suffering B. Learn to tolerate it better and help fix my physical unease around her Which is the better choice, and what are the steps for each? Peripheral concerns: 1. Make sure she isn't emotionally dumping on one of our other friends 2. Make sure she's safe 3. Get her to go to a goddamn therapist
i have a tendency to act as an emotional empathy battery for struggling friends, and i'm not great at handling the drain i don't know what to say to help though, i have a better response since i'm the one one doing this to myself
Witnessed, I've done this more than once. My solution was 'cut contact like an asshole', so I don't recommend that.
Short answer: It is not your job to do any of that. Literally, any. Your job is to walk away. I say this from a (probably biased) perspective of watching my girlfriend, and eventually realizing me, get PTSD from trying to help my shit of a twin. If you want to leave, make it your job to leave. It is not your job to leave and still help her by making sure X and Y and Z also occur. Your self-preservation is allowed to come first. It may not feel nice. Nice is not always the king of the hill, though. Trying to be nice when someone is hurting you is a good way to continue hurting. If your friends are being dumped on, it's up to them to deal with it. If she's safe or not is her problem (or her parent/legal guardian's if she's a minor). If she's going to a therapist is her problem. You can't control any of it, so please don't place your personal value on trying to. As I had a convo with a friend the other day - Them: [saying something negative about somebody] usually isn't very helpful though. Me: I am not obligated to help.
From someone else who's been down this road- gradual tapering of contact works well. It helps to be involved in other things while this is going on, you have a reason to give to her, and something to focus your energy on other than worrying. You can try to suggest therapy to her, if she starts showing signs of distress. It might lead to getting roped back in if she wants to tell you what's distressing her, so be careful.
