So, I'm concerned that I might be a somewhat skeevy person.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by BlackholeKG, May 26, 2016.

?

After reading this, do you think I am skeevy/a bad person?

  1. Yes, definitely

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Likely yes

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. Possibly

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. Maybe/uncertain

    1 vote(s)
    2.2%
  5. Likely no

    23 vote(s)
    50.0%
  6. Definitely no

    19 vote(s)
    41.3%
  7. Not enough information

    3 vote(s)
    6.5%
  1. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Okay, now hear me out here. (CW: Sexuality mentions, allusions to explicit imagery, discussion of unsavoury actions)

    Over the past few months, and even for a little while before then, I've been getting sort of concerned about certain aspects of my character. Maybe this was manifesting before, but being obfuscated by the fact that I spent much of the last two years obsessing over being a good person. I don't know.

    First lets talk sexuality. I don't think it would be inaccurate to say I'm sort of obsessed. Potential hypersexuality aside (although that smacks of internal excuse-making to me), I've been told by multiple people in this community that my attitude towards sex and relationships has made them uncomfortable. Even though this has always been when I have stopped talking about it, it's a topic I always seem to return to. I think my focus on sexual activity as some sort of pedestalized goal, coupled with this vague idea that having sex will somehow solve all my interpersonal problems, is a very unhealthy and somewhat immature attitude to have towards sex. Yet, still, I persist in it. In addition, this typically extends, albeit often to my shame, to highly explicit and certainly inappropriate-to-be-voiced sexual fantasies, not only about fictional characters but often about real people, oftentimes, due to my particular flavours of unfolding fetishism, with under or overtones that sometimes are even violent. This is, or course, relegated to unrealistic fantasyland, but is a concern for me nonetheless. It's something I feel very bad about, and yet that has happened more than once. This falls alongside an undercurrent of potentially inappropriate mental sexualization of people in my life that is fairly longstanding. I don't want to be thinking or looking at them in a way that degrades them, or would if it could be seen by an outside observer, but sometimes I almost certainly have been doing this.

    That's another concern. I was into some pretty distinctly weird stuff before, but seemingly in the past few months in particular, my sexual exploration has taken on a distinctly more deviant cadence in a direction that may be somewhat inappropriate. I don't know. Maybe it's more a matter of the relatively open discussion and acceptance of such deviance on Kintsugi influencing me, but recently I've found myself indulging in content that is focused more around particular types of bdsm content, even noncon. I know that liking these things in fantasy isn't "bad", but I am concerned about what it says about my personality.

    More things; the general character of the personality. For a fair while now it seems to have been coloured by a sort of vague underlying dissatisfaction. I am unable to tell whether this is due to my plethora of "issues" or if those issues are in fact caused by my pent up anger and sour character trying to express itself in a way that's socially acceptable. That is to say, I am concerned that my issues, that I talk about here so frequently in a way that is certainly attention-grabbing and overly sympathy-scrounging, might indeed be fake, and my persistent claiming of them, even if I believe it somewhat myself, is a form of my being manipulative. I am concerned that by being here and posting I am in fact feeding off the good people in this community for some sort of supply of sympathy so that I can continue to convince myself that I am hard done by in a life that should be almost overwhelmingly good compared to what I know most people here deal with.

    Consider, for instance, my potential transgender-ness. Interesting how that one popped up again just after I joined Kintsugi, with its high population of trans folks posting about it. Interesting as to how I only originally started thinking about the idea because of my increased awareness of the trans activism community on tumblr. Also, being exceptionally and overtly sexually minded in my drive, and being filled with an underlying pent-up anger a lot of the time, don't strike me as particularly feminine. My personality is and always has been, utterly coded male. I'm almost a cliche, and would be if it wasn't for my attempts at being respectful to people, which are by no means perfect. My family could speak in depth on my recurrent rudeness. It makes it hard to continue to sustain the belief that I really could be a woman or a feminine gender, even if (I convince myself at least that) I feel that way sometimes.

    Some other things; my pretentious intellectualistic manner that seems to spew out onto the screen whenever I try and type a long post like this. It's gross. edit: Also, I take drugs sometimes, albeit not always in the healthiest manner (and I've spoken about this elsewhere), but some people might see that as childish and/or skeevy in and of itself.

    Another matter is CDCF. Remember when I joined the forum originally, and was super hesitant about getting involved? How I was talking about how maybe the R/R thread was a bad way to handle the situation? Sure, you guys dissuaded me on that, but... now I post there almost every day with reckless enthusiasm. Why? Ray has never spoken to me, nor Rhett, nor Bex. What am I doing in that receipts thread, posting joke after joke at Ray's expense? What pleasure do I get out of that? Ray might be a bad dude, but my persistence in that thread now strikes me as being far too extensive to be reasonable. Could it be that all this is is that I've found a socially acceptable target for a form of light bullying, and am now just scoring points in the form of forum likes at the expense on a definitely skeevy but also mentally ill trans dude by cracking jokes about things he says on his personal tumblr? Am I actually that much of a bad person? I don't want to leave the thread, because I enjoy it a lot, especially with all the side content and additional chatting. But. If I am in that deep and I have an attitude that is that toxic then I have a duty to myself to get myself the fuck out of that noise right now, and personally and profusely apologize.

    Honestly, I've been questioning if I should even be a part of Kintsugi. My attitude is awful. I'm already a community outsider to an extent, but I'm not earning a place here. My lack of any real issues to be worked through sticks out like a sore thumb, no matter how many buzzwords I throw at myself to see if they stick, and I am using the populous here to gain attention. While I don't give myself credit to be "fooling" people, I do think that benefit of the doubt has probably cloaked my subconscious, unsavoury motives in even being here. This is not to mention my superior mental attitude, and internal condescension, even outright toxic prejudice in some situations that my brain keeps spitting out out, despite my persistent attempts to stamp that out and be a nice person. A person should be coming here who has thoughts and ideas, opinions even, albeit ones that I attempt to quash from my mind in all cases, that might be ableist, or some other flavour of awful. Even if I do not say some things that my brain occasionally has thought, and recognise them as wrong when it does, they are still being churned out in the first place and might influence my subconscious action. Moreover, the few spats I've gotten into recently (penis repulsion, gun control) prove that occasionally things do slip through the gaps.

    Gah. In short, I reckon I'm a fundamentally skeevy, manipulative, overly-sexual, unsavoury, supercilious, superior and prejudiced dude who should not be a part of this community, even if nominally I am allowed to, because I'm just not a nice person to be around.

    Or I could be evaluating this completely wrong. You tell me, although please don't go easy on me, as if I am correct then I am twisting things even when I am intending to be the most frank. I would appreciate replies with opinions on all this though, because I want other people to evaluate me so that I can decide on what to do next.

    Thank you.

    - BlackholeKG
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
    • Like x 1
  2. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Kintsugi is welcoming of people with problems and questions and abuse history, but it's not like it's "you must be this damaged to ride." And a few conflicts are natural when you're dealing with a social group as large as this one, especially when so many of us have triggers and hot button topics.

    I think a truly not nice person wouldn't give a shit about any of the things you're worried about. I DO think you're fairly obsessive about your self-worth and how you come across to people, but that's not a flaw so much as something you need help with.

    If you're uncomfortable about your involvement in CDCF, you don't need to prostrate yourself, but you can certainly request a banning from the drama forum if you think you can't stop yourself from going there. People have done so in the past, and you're really not alone in wondering how far is too far and if the thread is bullying. That's why we have the ethics committee.

    Ultimately, I think you're a good person with a lot of self-worth issues, and I would encourage you to seek therapy and possibly anxiety meds if you can, because nothing you've done is worth this much agonizing over.
     
    • Like x 9
  3. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    This reads as fairly invalidating to other trans women who also have ''''masculine'''' personality features, like anger or high sex drives. And yet I don't think you're intending to invalidate other trans people who have personalities, are you? So give yourself the same leeway, and understand that personalities aren't infallibly gender-coded.
     
  4. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    That wasn't my intention at all, I was speaking only as to my perception of myself. My experiencing of these things doesn't feel like a particularly feminine thing, to me. I was speaking more about how in my own brain, where there's smoke there's fire.
     
  5. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    I know, and that's why I drew it out; I know it's hard to let go of the concept of 'well I have X trait and people think that's associated with Y gender so I must be Y gender!', and sometimes it's easier to see how that's ridiculous when you look at it applied to other people rather than yourself.
     
  6. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    And yeah, that's another thing: you're young, you're still learning about all this shit, and mistakes and missteps will be made. None of us start out perfectly aware of ourselves and our privilege, and it's an ongoing process.

    It's okay to make mistakes, as long as you apologize and learn from them. Cut yourself the same sort of slack you'd cut for others.
     
    • Like x 6
  7. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    (oops i spent so long typing this that this is probably redundant now. its a response to the OP, i havent read most of the following posts)

    So, I'm not good at reassuring people, so I will spare u my hamhanded attempts at that, and get right to what jumped out at me:

    the fact that you're concerned about your behaviour, whether or not that concern is warranted, seems to indicate you're keeping a pretty close eye on yourself. That tends to mean that, like... if you're doing anything bad, which idek if you are, you're probably going to end up curbing the behaviours that you dont like? whether those are actually bad or not. and even if you end up doing stuff like wading into the CDCF and then feeling like you shouldnt have done it, that tends to make a person adjust their behaviour to avoid doing the thing that makes them feel bad.

    argh heres an example to hopefully clarify what i mean: when i was in highschool, i worried that i was dominating the conversation or otherwise making a fool of myself at get-togethers with my friends. the fact that i noticed that, whether or not it was accurate to frame my behaviour as "too much" (lets be real it was probably fine), i caught myself doing stuff that i didnt like, and the "problem" took care of itself because i shied away from talking so much because thats what made me feel bad about myself.

    tldr you are, in all likelihood, just a person who is maybe doing some stuff that you don't like, which doesnt make you bad even if the behaviour could be called bad (is it? i dunno im not an authority or expert)

    also can i say, about how u dont feel that your personality jives with the idea of being female/feminine, that being angry or weird or anything doesnt automatically correspond to gender or rule out what gender you might be
     
    • Like x 2
  8. a secret face

    a secret face the secret-est face

    fwiw, while I do not have context for a lot of the content (I just don't know you very well), a lot of the tone this post is very familiar to me as somebody with anxiety. it's like - I don't know. you go from a point that at least could be reasonable to despairing self-hatred that, if considered in the light of day not being freaking out, doesn't make very much sense. for example:

    your concern that you're exaggerating your problems to feel like you fit in?: ok, I doubt it personally since I know a lot of people who feel like this despite having hella real problems, but I at least see where you could be going.
    vs the escalation to
    "my lack of real issues to be worked through sticks out like a sore thumb": reads like self-hating anxiety moon logic. I'm willing to bet that most of the time/when applied to other people, you don't think people have to qualify themselves with their degree of trauma to come on here.

    your feeling that you might be influenced by the community to think you're transfeminine, rather than actually being so: it's possible!
    the jump to (paraphrasing) "and I'm too rude and terrible to really be a lady, and so I am an intrusive dude who doesn't belong here": sounds like your douchebrain stringing together any barely plausible argument it can come up with into a reason you're Bad.

    I should be clear, I don't mean to invalidate your feelings or suggest that you're being dishonest, just.. I recognize it, I think, and I've been there, and on that basis I'm pretty sure you aren't judging yourself fairly.

    feel free to tell me to step off if I'm being out of line. >.>;

    edit: oh, I should be clear, i don't think this is unique to anxiety either. could be a variety of things.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
    • Like x 5
  9. Aniseed

    Aniseed Well-Known Member

    you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. and i mean no offense.

    but do you have a history of being abused? especially verbally, psychologically, and/or emotionally?

    cuz not so much what you are saying above, but how you are saying it, reminds me of the spectacularly awful combination of anxiety + depression + horribly strong inner critic + hypervigilance from c-ptsd that used to absolutely chew me up and spit me out regularly.

    still does, kind of, but less so. as i got older and met better people who treat me better, i still have problems but they are less severe and less frequent in many ways, including this one.
     
  10. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    No, not that I've ever recognized. Indeed, not at all. If that were the case then that would be more of an answer right there.

    The face that I have never faced that kind of trauma is exactly partially why I find my actions and motives questionable.
     
  11. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    I think... I think you guys are... you're being too kind to me, there is no explanation in my history that excuses my behaviours, bleh
     
  12. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    You don't need a reason or an excuse to have problems. Sometimes its just a matter of how our brains are wired.
     
    • Like x 7
  13. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    I think the reason why I keep making similar threads to this is that I'm not writing them objectively enough, I feel like whenever I write I end up subtly flavouring my words so that I am seen in a more sympathetic light

    I'm not even sure I actually have problems though. And if I do, they're certainly not that severe.
     
  14. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Or you could consider you're being unduly hard on yourself.
     
  15. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    That's the sympathetic reasoning. I feel like other people tend to want me to be good too bad, and so that tends to obscure reality even when I am trying to demonstrate that I am not.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
  16. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    See, I really wanted to phrase this as "that I am possibly not", to leave some ambiguity and thus room for a sympathetic reading, but I stopped myself from doing so

    And now this response pointing that out is in and of itself an attempt to re-introduce that reading so people might once again be able to read me sympathetically argh
     
  17. a secret face

    a secret face the secret-est face

    Wait, clarify? I think there must be a typo there 'cuz otherwise idk what "want me to be good to bad" means.
     
  18. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    I don't need you to be good or bad -- I don't know you, and I have nothing to gain by telling you things you want to hear. You asked for opinions -- my opinion is you're anxious and obsessed and nothing you're eager to villainize yourself over is actually that big of a deal.
     
    • Like x 4
  19. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    It was a typo, should have read "want me to be good too bad". As in, too badly.
     
    • Like x 1
  20. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Thing is I'm not eager to villanize myself at all! Precisely the opposite... the motivation for this thread is that I already fear these things to be true, and am reaching out in a desperate hope that people will explain to me that they are not. Hence my bias towards portraying myself sympathetically.
     
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