So... what now?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Fire and Gasoline, May 8, 2015.

  1. I really want to get back into dating but things never seem to work out. When I date someone it seems like I fall too hard, too quickly. And then I end up getting my feelings hurt when awhile into the relationship they no longer feel the same way. And the three big relationships I've been in I have been cheated on bit seats chose to forgive the guilty party. Is it just me being naive and being in love so trying to forgive the person responsible because I don't want to lose them? Is there something I'm lacking that they seek in someone else? I really don't know what to do. I want something real again but I'm afraid of being hurt again. It gets hard to breathe sometimes and depression gets really bad whenever I think about all the hurt and I just can't seem to kick dating anxiety. That and it's really hard to find anyone gay in my area that I'm compatible with. I don't even know what to do or feel right now.
  2. Vierran

    Vierran small and sharp

    It seems like you have a lot of expectations about how a relationship is supposed to go, and how it's supposed to make you feel. That's understandable; we're taught a lot that having someone is necessary for happiness, and that happiness involves intense feelings right from the moment you meet someone. The thing is, trying to live up to that is an enormous burden for both parties. You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure here to be in a perfect relationship, and it does really hurt when something you work so hard for doesn't work out.

    What makes it hurt less, though, is having things that are emotionally fulfilling in other areas of your life. Or, hurt less is not the right phrase, but, make the hurt easier to handle. My advice: focus on something else that's meaningful to you for a while. I'm not saying don't start a relationship if you find a great person who wants to date you, but, don't make looking for someone a priority. Put the energy you would have been spending into other areas of your life, so you know you can be happy even if a relationship falls through. Then, when you decide you do want to look for someone, you'll be able to put less pressure on the relationship.

    As for what went wrong before, I can't really say much without knowing the situations. One thing though, if they cheated without telling you anything was wrong, they were jerks. That doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive them; that's really down to your judgment. If you can and haven't, it might be worth talking to them about why they did what they did. This will be hard, though, since you're being pretty hard on yourself about it, more than is warranted I think. Remember that, no matter what their reasons, they are the ones who chose to act in a way they must have known would hurt you. They always had options besides hurting you in this way, and it was their choice not to take them. You didn't force them into anything.

    I hope this is helpful. Take care of yourself, dude, you deserve to have someone taking care of you.
    • Like x 4
  3. Thanks for that. And you're right. When I date the goal is to aim for a long term relationship(i.e. Marriage, domestic partnership etc) and a lot of people aren't ready for that. No we aren't going to be life partners right off the bat but I also don't want just a fling ya know? I guess the best advice I was given concerning potential partners was "if you can't see yourself marrying the person, or spending your life with them then leave it alone. " The problem there is you just don't know sometimes. You could think hey I could see it and then years down the line you made the wrong choice. It's really sorta frustrating. And I tend to be more passionate so whereas I may fall in love they may just fall into infatuation and tank after the infatuation stage is over. Or are not ready for a really serious commitment because of various reasons. I guess my feelings tend to be more intense and people are afraid to jump into that fire for fear of being burned.
  4. Aya

    Aya words words words

    I say this as someone who is married and plans to stay in this relationship for the foreseeable future: you will be a lot happier and a lot more successful at finding people you're compatible with if you don't make this as serious as you're making it right now.

    You're right--you can't know for sure whether things will work out with someone else. Maybe three years down the line you'll decide that you'd be better off without that person in your life. But that doesn't mean that the time you spent with that person was meaningless. It wasn't a waste of time. Even if you part on bad terms with each other, you will have learned things about yourself and what you want and how to be in a relationship that you could not have known without the time you spent in that relationship. And it might hurt when you first break up, but one day, every healthy relationship, even the ones that are over, will have fond memories you can look back on.

    Being in a relationship with someone else is not something that you are, it's something that you do. It's like a dance: think of the difference between dancing on your own and dancing with a partner. To dance successfully with someone else, you have to know where your body is, have a good sense of where it will be in a few moments, how much you can do in one practice, how far you can push your body before you hurt yourself. You have to know how your partner moves and where your partner is going to be a few beats from now, how long they can practice at a go, how to tell if they're tired or hurt or being sloppy. You have to learn new steps and ways to move, because there are things that you just can't do with someone else less than a foot away from you, and things that you can do with someone else that you cannot do on your own. You have to negotiate your choice of music, your choice of clothing, so that you're working together as a unit.

    This is a lot of stuff, and it takes time to build, and you have to do it together. You have to wait until both of you are ready to bring that passion and intimacy in. Otherwise you'll just be smacking each other in the face and stepping on each other's toes because you just don't know any better. When you go in with this level of intensity, you're vulnerable--not just to people who want to hurt other people, but also people who really don't want to hurt anybody but don't know your limits or boundaries. And most people who don't want to hurt others will avoid being in a relationship with you because hurting you is completely inevitable under those circumstances.

    Every date that you go on with someone you decide you don't want to stay with for the rest of your life is time spent learning what you want from other people, how much you're willing to give, how to negotiate, what you like and what you don't like--not a moment of that is time wasted. And you can't learn these things alone.

    Above all, though, remember that you don't have to find a partner to be happy. You're not a lesser person for being single. A lot of people find fulfillment in romantic partnerships, yeah, but it's far from the only way. This isn't something that you must do, this is something that you want to do. It gets a little less heavy when you see it in that light.
    • Like x 3
  5. You have a good point. And I am not entirely sure I am quite healed after my last ex. I am honestly still a little bit hung up but I want to move on. I know it's not healthy to be hung up on someone but I cant help it ya know? I guess if I look at it from your perspective as a learning experience I did learn quite a few valuable things in the past few years. And because of that I know my own boundaries now. WE agreed to be friends and eventually it will get close to where it was pre-relationship. But, right now it really just hurts. I have faith that eventually we will be really good friends. This happened with the guy who is now my best friend as well so there is hope I suppose. I mean sure the last ex is a great person and I'd love to keep him in my life he just wont be in that part of my life anymore. The sooner i can get over the hurt the better. I am finding fulfillment in other aspects of life but I would like someone to share it with. Someone on my same level to enjoy being around. I have never been a solitary person so I crave intimacy(not always sex. Cuddling, hugs, etc) and I have learned it is not good for me to be alone.
  6. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    seebs and i have been married for 20 years, and together for longer than that, we're absolutely soulmates, we make people sick with how in love we are. but we didn't start out knowing that! we started out as friends, had all kinds of flirtations and stops and starts and drama and bullshit before we settled down. the thought that one or both of us might've decided to give up because of that makes me shiver.

    there's nothing wrong with wanting to find a lifelong partner. it just gets in your way when you start querying a new relationship about that goal too early. maybe this particular date won't end up being your spouse someday, but will it be a pleasant memory of a fun evening with someone nice? because that's quite a positive thing in and of itself! it's when those positive experiences keep adding up with the same person that you both conclude you want to stick together and keep working on the relationship.

    re cheating, btw: when we were much younger, i did cheat on seebs. it wasn't because he wasn't good enough for me, and it wasn't because i was a heartless asshole or because i didn't love him. i was having a sort of slow-motion breakdown and doing a lot of self-destructive things, and had become so ego-depleted that i had basically no impulse control. i would do things like smoke pot (which i am allergic to, and which causes me to fall asleep in public places) just because someone handed me a pipe, or get blackout drunk because someone kept refilling my cup, or make out with cute strangers just because they were flirting. and then i'd be like... wtf just happened? why did i do that? it was pretty scary, tbh. fortunately, seebs forgave me and helped me avoid these temptations and work through my shit until i got my self-control back, rather than dumping me.

    my point is that forgiving isn't necessarily being a doormat. you are absolutely not obligated to forgive, but you're not obligated NOT to either.
    Last edited: May 14, 2015
    • Like x 6
  7. I am learning a lot from you guys and it's really helping me out a lot. I have a more positive outlook on this whole deal and even though it will still hurt I'm not focusing on the bad things as much. I know that one day I'll find my life partner and today may not be that day but I now have hope for the future. Other people giving their insight is honestly helping me so much. I'm not well versed in the ways of love and relationships so having other people tell me their experiences is a way for me to help identify and get advice from other people. I still have my doubts as any person my age will(and even beyond my age.) However, I don't think I'm afraid of getting out there anymore. You are absolutely right, I need to make positive experiences and have fun rather than dwell on the negative. And hopefully one day those moments of happiness will lead to something bigger and better. You guys really are amazing and supportive :)
    • Like x 1
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