stop using that name!

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by budgie, Apr 16, 2015.

  1. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    i considered posting this in xx/xy, but since it's not trans-specific (i'm not out at work) i thought i would post here.

    at work i go by a gender-neutral variant of my legal name. for the most part this isn't a problem - there's a few other coworkers who go by variants of their legal names, and one who uses a completely unrelated name, and no explanation has ever been asked. everyone from my district manager on down uses my proper name, except one coworker.

    at first, said coworker seemed to find it funny when i got annoyed at him. i reined in my annoyance and switched to calmly asking him not to. then i started trying to completely ignore him when he used to the wrong name, except we work in a coffee shop and usually when he's asking me something ignoring him would mean ignoring the customer too, which i can't justify.

    he's justified it in part because it's my "real name" and "isn't that what your parents call you?" (yes, my family and no one else gets to call me that, since they've had 20+ years of calling me that). he also seems to just plain default to it and not even be calling me my legal name to annoy me.

    i don't want to go to the manager about it, because without the explanation (trans) it sounds kind of petty, but i'm also not sure what else to do. so, any advice?
  2. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I dunno, I guess I'd ask him why he insists on using that name instead of the one you actually use.

    Like, trans-or-not, I just go by "seebs", virtually no one ever calls me anything else. People don't actually give me a hard time about this, generally.

    I think I'd just go with "my parents call me that, but it's not the name I usually listen for, and this other name is the one I actually like to use, and I don't understand why you can't just do that."

    I mean, none of the things he's said are justifications, because they don't address the question of why you wouldn't accept someone's request to call them a given thing.
  3. Emma

    Emma Your resident resident

    I'd go with: I don't care that my parents call me *legal name*, I asked you to call me *what I want to be called* and you're being an ass for not doing it.

    Alternatively, never call him by his right name, and see how he likes it :P
    • Like x 2
  4. pixels

    pixels hiatus / only back to vent

    THIS so hard. I moved to a place where certain people with certain accents pronounce my (gendered) nickname like an alcoholic beverage. Which is cute, but I don't listen for that, so I'd get "harassed" by someone for five minutes before I realized they were talking to me. Sure, it's part of my "real name," but I simply do not respond to it.

    Solution: pick up first initial as (gender-neutral) nickname, insist upon it for the people who cannot pronounce my (gendered) nickname, have a strong preference for it everywhere else. The "my brain cannot comprehend why you are calling me this" is a legitimate reason, and it's also a work-related reason, because wouldn't your co-worker prefer that you actually respond when he needs your help?
    • Like x 1
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