such a pretty house such a pretty garden (mental health and life tracking thread)

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by hyrax, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    EDIT, 10/24/17: this is my is my general depression/recovery/life tracking thread. there might be unspoilered mentions of the things in the tags, but any more detailed discussion will go under a cut. advice, discussion, witnessing, and hugs are all welcome.



    backstory: i was diagnosed with depression almost 5 years ago now (though looking back it's been there forever), and have been on various medications and with various counsellors since then. for the past 2 years i've been living in my hometown, working for my parents' business. (literally a mom-and-pop store.) i've been on paxil for a yearish, and i started wellbutrin (in addition) in october and i'm still not sure how it's going. i have some periods of high executive function, but i've also had more... negative thinking? i guess? and more insomnia. of course it's coinciding with winter and my tendency toward SAD. anyway...

    for the past couple of days i have had almost no spoons. for anything. i went to work monday, called in sick tuesday, i have wednesdays off, and i called in sick today (thurs). each one of these days it's been a struggle to get off the couch. i've managed to feed myself at least twice a day and take my medication, but even that has been a struggle. i really, really should go to work tomorrow-- i'll be up to my neck in paperwork on monday if i don't-- but it sounds exhausting just to think about.

    as mentioned, i work for my parents. (i have my own apartment at least, thank god.) the good part of that: they understand that my mental illness is A Thing, and they let me call in depressed to work. the bad part: they don't understand much at all beyond that, and have no idea how to deal with a depressed person. like they've accepted that this is a chronic illness and that sometimes i'll have bad days, but too often they respond with "ok so how can we solve this NOW?" when i feel crappy for more than 1 day at a time. which is. not helpful. i have a pretty good relationship with my mom, although she can be pretty helicoptery; my relationship with my dad is... weird, tenuously friendly but very frequently antagonistic. so i already am not looking forward to talking about how i've been feeling with my dad at work tomorrow. but if i don't go to work they'll just worry even more, and then i'll have to deal with that probably all weekend.

    i just. UGH. i have no spoons, and i need to get myself a psychiatrist but doing things is hard, and i have no eggs or milk but my car is buried under like 6 inches of snow and ice because i haven't left my house since monday. my apartment is messy and i have debt i've been ignoring/forgetting about and my boyfriend's birthday is today and i still haven't mailed his birthday present. (oh, yeah, i'm in a long distance relationship right now and it sucks, i want to move back.) i miss being able to function like a person.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  2. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    ... so i guess i'm just making a vent thread or w/e. witnessing, commiseration, hugs, and advice/input all welcome.
     
  3. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    oof, depression, SAD, and an ldr? i feel you; it's a miserable combo.

    witnessed.
     
  4. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    that's rough buddy. witnessed.
     
  5. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    thanks guys. *fistbumps* basically my life right now is this Onion article "Seasonal Depression To Take Over For Chronic Depression For A Few Months". and i'm feeling particularly shitty lately because i just. do not. like where my life is at right now.

    in 2007 i moved to Ireland for grad school. (i'm American.) in early 2011 my boyfriend and i started dating. i'd been feeling frustrated and stuck with my phd work for at least 6 months at that point, which was the beginning of a depression spiral. (did my frustration with my research cause my depression? did my depression cause me to feel stuck with my research? WHO KNOWS.) then in spring 2011 i was raped. for the rest of 2011 i was basically in trauma recovery mode. in summer 2012 i officially dropped out of my phd program. i spent the next 6 months trying and failing to find work, also coping with pretty bad depression. in spring 2013 my visa ran out. i still hadn't found permanent work, and i reluctantly moved back to my hometown, started working for my parents. my (Irish) boyfriend is still in Ireland. we've only seen each other twice since i moved away.

    so now i'm going on 3 years in a place i never really liked, doing a job that is tolerable at best, away from the person i love more than anyone i've ever loved. right now i really want to move back, get married, and just. live. with the person i love. but before i can make any moves, i really need to get my medication situation sorted out. the paxil + wellbutrin is definitely doing something, but obviously not enough. i just got health insurance finally, so i can actually afford psych care! so i feel like this should be a priority before i make any big moves. and yet i can't scrape the spoons together to make a phone call. there's a facility that does evaluations + medication management like 5 miles away. but phones are hard and things are too many, and fuck it's almost 2am and i'm still awake and i need to go to work tomorrow and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hhhhh.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  6. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    i mean for fuck's sake i'm 31 years old and i can barely make it to work 28 hours a week. this week i've literally worked 6.5 hours so far. i was an hour late on the one day i made it so far.

    sorry for this thread. apparently it's stream of (shitty) consciousness hour here.
     
  7. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    i'd say a little venting is more than justified considering your situation, friend.
     
    • Like x 3
  8. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    it's 3am, the wind is howling, and i'm still not asleep. i had a shot of whisky and smoked some weed, and i feel buzzed but not. sleepy. i know i should go lay in bed anyway, but honestly i just want to play minecraft forever. maybe i'll compromise, go play minecraft in bed. i don't normally like to use my laptop in bed, being surrounded by blankets is bad for computers, but fuck it.
    and there's another obvious way to induce sleepiness, but my vibrator broke! >_< getting myself off by hand, as it were, takes me like 15-20 minutes, and when i'm already cranky and not feeling particularly sexy that gets more annoying than anything. with my wanachi it's like: apply to junk --> wait 3 minutes --> orgasm. but now it's broken and i haven't gotten a new one. just one less nice thing.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    soooooooo i ended up not falling asleep until after 5am. so i didn't go to work again today. FML.
     
  10. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    *fistbumps for @Dist too*

    on the plus side: i made it out to the store and bought some groceries! i'll be able to cook some nice things this weekend! my cat is being a super snuggly purr pile!

    on the minus: i still didn't call the psych place and now it's after business hours. -_- also i still feel crappy from getting such bad sleep. for several days in a row now.

    i just. hhhhhhhhh. i know exactly what i want to do, what i want to happen... but i am so low on spoons lately i am barely achieving basic self-care, and making changes (even good changes that i want!) feels way out of reach.
     
    • Like x 2
  11. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Maybe call the psych anyway? Then they can call you back, which I find easier deal with than making calls
     
  12. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    definitely good points! waiting for a callback can be almost more intimidating than making a phone call, tbh, because i have no idea when it will happen. and at least when i'm making the call i have time to mentally prepare. but since i seem to... not... be making that call, i really should just go ahead and leave the message.

    how do you even phrase that though. "hi my name is hyrax lastname, i need an evaluation and someone to help with medication management. plz call me at phone-number as soon as you can." i guess? i don't know if i should mention anything more detailed on an answering machine.
     
  13. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Sounds good to me! If they need more they can ask when they call.
     
  14. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    OK I CALLED and left a message. at 2am, lol. well i guess that's why they have voicemail. and now we play the waiting game!




    aw the waiting game sucks let's play hungry hungry hippos.

    also how the hell is it 2am already. maybe i don't have insomnia, maybe my sleep schedule is just janked. well whatever, i brushed my teeth and i'm in my pajamas, and i drank a double shot of whisky. #selfmedication i'm ready to just fall asleep on the couch if i need to. just gonna pass out watching Gordon Ramsay. that's what responsible adults do right.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    sometimes not being in bed does the trick, since you then you're not focused on falling asleep
     
  16. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    i DID fall asleep before 3am! and then i woke up at 5:30 to a butt text from my mom. (i assume it was a butt text, it's just "aaaaaaee") and then i couldn't fall back asleep until around 8. and then i slept until 2pm. UGH. sleeping late like that is bad not only because it fucks up my ability to sleep at night, but because i'm currently taking wellbutrin twice a day. and i have to space it out by a couple hours, but i can't take it too late, because it's a stimulant.

    i hope the clinic calls me back monday or tuesday. i feel like i'm barely hanging on. just feeding myself, cleaning myself, and taking my medication is exhausting.

    i actually bought a new vibrator on amazon after posting about it the other night! and i paid for 2day shipping so it would get here saturday (today). but it's not here yet. come on, amazon.
     
    • Like x 1
  17. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    another shitty thing: when i get badly depressed or anxious, i have a hard time eating. like physically. i get nauseous a lot, first of all. and things taste like wet ash, so the act of eating feels like a chore. which sucks because i am actually a total foodie. normally i love food, i love to eat... but then i get days like today, when i struggled to finish an instant mashed potato cup. and then ate about 2 bites of the delicious chicken and risotto i made. which makes me feel even shittier. i've been relying a lot on Ensure shakes and things like that, but i'm just. fucking sick of feeling sick.
     
    • Like x 2
  18. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    thats an awful feeling. i get that sometimes too when im not feeling well. it really... uh, bites.
     
  19. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    I C WAT U DID THAR but no, for reals, it's good to know that other people get that too. ironically it's gotten worse since i've been on antidepressants-- SSRIs make my stomach a lot more touchy.
     
    • Like x 1
  20. hyrax

    hyrax had a handle on my life, but i broke it

    i actually got out of the house and had energy today! i (finally) saw the new Star War! i went to the movies with my parents, they paid and bought snacks, and afterward i had dinner at their house, and i got along really well with my dad. and the movie itself... well. i was a Star Wars kid. it was my big obsession age 10-13. but i saw the prequels as an older teen/adult, and they just weren't the same, and so when this new trilogy was announced i was very skeptical. after friends started seeing it and almost universally loved it, i started actively wanting to see the movie, but it still wasn't something that i was super hyped for or anything. and that's the state i was in when i sat down.

    and then. "a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away..." and a huge grin broke out on my face. and then the logo, and the first horn chord in that lush beautiful John Williams score, and i instantly started crying. like laughing and sobbing simultaneously. i kept it silent, and i got it under control by the time the crawler faded away, but. god damn. after so many days feeling mostly numb, i did not expect that sudden intense blast of emotions.
     
    • Like x 3
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