such a pretty house such a pretty garden (mental health and life tracking thread)

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by hyrax, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    my dad: "they say it's going to be the hottest day of the year today"
    me: "what, like, for the year so far? or for the entire year?"
    dad: "it's going to be the hottest day of the year"
    me: "yeah but like does that include the rest of the year? that hasn't happened?"
    dad: "it's going to be the hottest day of the year"
    me: "so, what, of the past 12 months, or just of 2019 to date, or what?"
    dad, angrily: "IT'S THE HOTTEST DAY OF 2019 SO FAR"
    me: "THANK YOU that's what i was asking!!"

    he does this shit ALL THE TIME and it drives me crazy. it's not like i didn't hear you, i just didn't understand your meaning! don't just fucking repeat yourself and then get angry when people don't magically understand you the third time you said the exact same things!! i was trying to ask clarifying questions and he just... brushed them off, in favor of repeating his vague statement verbatim three or four times. until he finally got mad and included one of the clarifying terms i asked him about THE FIRST TIME.

    why. why do people do this.

    (also "it's the hottest day of 2019 so far" is... not at all surprising or even noteworthy, because it's been unseasonably cold for the past 2 months, rarely getting into the 70s. today it's in the 80s, a normal temp for this time of year. so like. yeah, i could have guessed it was the hottest day so far, or if not today it was some day this week. which is also why i was kind of confused, because yeah, no shit, it's finally hot like normal instead of being weirdly cold.)
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  2. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    a big part of me is really, really uncomfortable with the idea of being handed male privilege, assuming i do pursue hrt and eventually start passing. the thought of people suddenly treating me better because of outward changes is really infuriating.

    but man, i have a LOT of dreams about people talking down to me about subjects i know a lot about, and then me screaming in their faces I KNOW MORE THAN YOU. after another such dream last night, i woke up this morning thinking "oh man, if i start passing, will people actually believe me when i talk?" because seriously, the 'splaining is something i really, really could do without.
     
  3. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    my vibrator finally died, after many years of loyal service. i already ordered another one, but shipping was kinda pricey so i went with the cheapest 6-8 day shipping.

    and i'm already regretting that, because i'm real real horny today. -_- i can get off by hand, but it takes waaaaaaay longer and i'm spoiled from having such a great vibrator. although i just ordered it yesterday so even if i'd chosen faster shipping, it wouldn't be here today. but still. best case scenario it gets here saturday, more likely NEXT week sometime. pray 4 me.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  4. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    i didn't go to work today, because i'm having a really bad dysphoria/anxiety day, and i didn't feel up for being around people.

    but my landlord has a workman in fixing up the (vacant, unfinished) apartment next door, and there's a very loud radio in the hallway right outside my living room, and in addition to being obnoxious it is a constant reminder that there is a PERSON who is RIGHT THERE. i've had the top floor to myself for the whole 5 years i've lived here, and i know i'm spoiled but right now my personal space bubble has like a 50 yard radius, and it's making me incredibly anxious.
     
    • Witnessed x 5
  5. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    the anxiety continues. i actually had a pretty good day yesterday-- because i didn't leave my apartment, and i spent the entire day either reading or playing a single-player video game. on saturday i did go out for a bit to the store, but i was getting really anxious while driving, which is something that i normally enjoy! but the presence and motion of the other cars was making me really jumpy. (this has never happened to me before.) today i'm at work, but everything feels like it's... turned up. like, on a sensory processing level. my dad was talking to a customer, and between the two voices, the radio, and the distant traffic noise outside (something i'm not usually even aware of!) everything just feels TOO LOUD and TOO MUCH. even though that's actually a completely normal amount of noise to be happening at work.

    i see my therapist on wednesday, but i have to work 5 more hours today and i have to work tomorrow also. and it's really not practical for me to keep taking time off, because i'm pretty broke right now. but fuck. it's really hard to exist in public rn.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  6. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    i ended up bringing my laptop into the closet and putting my headphones on, because i could not focus on any paperwork, and it helped immediately and immensely. having four walls and a door and only one source of sound (with a volume i can control!) made a huge difference. i won't be able to do this tomorrow, though, because when there's only 2 people here we need one person to be able to handle customers and one to answer the phone. but until then, solitude and Radiohead are helping.

    speaking of Radiohead, i've been listening to a lot of live concert recordings lately, and jfc, Thom Yorke's voice has not aged a fucking day in 25 years




    now THAT'S how you preserve a voice
     
  7. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    current mood:

     
  8. hyrax

    hyrax we'll ride 'till the planets collide

    this is becoming an all-Radiohead thread-- wait, wtf do i mean "becoming," the title is from a gott damn Radiohead song

    anyway, no matter how shitty i feel, Radiohead is always soothing. their music, especially live recordings, is fucking transcendent. and Thom Yorke is a weird awkward angel, too good for this world, sent to us to serenade us with his incredible voice and scold us for not taking action on climate change.
     
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