Tasha's Life-Tracking Thread

Because there's no way in hell I'll keep track of the results of the latest attempt on meds unless I have a reason to.

Hugs, encouragement, advice, random conversations, ALL appreciated. Encouraged in fact. Please please help me NOT do this alone.

SO:

Day One.
Slept like a rock last night - 8hrs straight, according to my nifty sleep app.
Took Wellbutrin (150mg XR) at 6:15am, without food.
(had a cigarette - which is the thing I'm most looking forward to giving up when the Wellbutrin kicks in)
Now waiting for the kiddo to wake up (or waiting until the last second to wake her up) and then having breakfast and tea and getting her on the bus.
As for the rest of the day ... I need to catch up on house-cleaning, cook a proper supper or two to leave in the fridge for this VERY busy week, and ... mostly just catch up on house-cleaning. I could also use a trip to deposit cheques in the bank, collect quarters for future laundry-doing, and take some old clothes that have been bagged up for a year already to the Dawson Daisy equivalent in Manitoba.

Wish me luck ... all the luck.

 

I am here to wish you all the luck! I took Wellbutrin for depression a few years back and thought it was quite good. Hope it does good things for you too!

 

good luck! wellbutrin made everything much worse for me, but i'm hoping it works better for you! and good luck with quitting smoking, that's incredibly tough. i'll be cheering for you.

 

Nearing the end of Day One ...

No real headache to speak of. Had a brief moment of sore throat (not sick-sore throat, but like ... muscle-sore throat, which is what I had when I tried to increase the dosage a couple years ago). So far no appetite suppression either - I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and supper, and even had a snack. The true test will be tonight - whether insomnia hits or not. I'm trying not to stress myself out by thinking about it, because then it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

INCREDIBLY productive day, and I can feel myself thinking/feeling faster (another typical response - my body is like a five year old, it responds REALLY FAST to anything being put in it, which is both a blessing and a curse). I felt a little ... 'buzzy' for lack of a better word, like I had endless twitchy energy lurking just under the surface. This did help with the productivity though!

Tomorrow I will continue to smoke as per normal, and then start the weaning process. If the last time was any indication, it should be a pretty decent process.

*fingers crossed*

 

Day Two:

I managed to sleep - just not deeply. My jerk cat decided last night would be the night to come in and wake me up (he hasn't done that in weeks now!) and I was awake and rolling over and couldn't quite get comfortable or sleep *deeply*. I woke up feeling mostly okay, but really sore - I must've been tense all night.

The headache hit sometime in the night, is currently present but it's not bad. Also haven't hit 'appetite suppression' yet, as I'm plenty hungry for breakfast. I'm not entirely sure how I feel, honestly. I think I feel fine? We'll see how well I do working all day today - I'll be tuning and repairing pipe organs in three different churches. THAT generates a headache all on its own!

Haven't gone for my first smoke today, and honestly I don't really want one yet.

I'm going to head to the drugstore on my way to work, see if the pharmacist can help me choose a sleep med that won't make me super drowsy, isn't addictive, and I want to see if I can still take the clonazepam I've still got kicking around the house from ... 2014? Does clonazepam expire?

Wishmeluck ... <3

 

I'm not a pharmacist, but I think the clonazepam should be just fine unless it was stored in a sauna or something.

Also good luck!

 

Thanks @Verily that was about my thought re: clonazepam.

Nearing the end of Day Two:

Appetite suppression still hasn't really kicked in, which my normal-brain says is a good thing but my still-a-little-bit-Anorexic-brain says is a bad thing. Vague headache throughout the day, but could be because ponytail + toque + organ tuning. I seem to be in a decent mood, though I did give in and smoke probably more than I needed to today (whoops). I'm a tad bit twitchy and feeling less productive (I don't WANT to do the dishes), but nowhere near catatonic haha.

I stopped by the drugstore and picked up something called "sleep-eze" which is diphenhydramine HCL tablets, 25mg. They're dissolvable (THANK GOD), and I'm going to just take half of one tonight and see what happens. I was unimpressed around 1pm today as I got hit with DROWSINESS, of the type that I totally could've laid down and slept, and a bit of brain-fog (again, not untypical when I'm doing the button-pushing side of organ tuning).

If this continues, Wellbutrin might be a success this time? I mean, I still have to see what quitting smoking does to my brain (and I have to make up my mind to pick a day AND DO THE THING), but I'm actually hopeful.

Whether I start sleeping better will be the determining factor, but if I can survive two to three weeks, they say the side effect may go away ...

<3

 

I sometimes take dipenhydramine as Benadryl for allergies. It doesn't make me drowsy because I'm a weird mutant or something. It has given me nightmares, but that may also have to do with me being a weird mutant or something, because so far nobody else I've spoken to has had this side effect. I believe the typical adult dose goes up to 50 mg.

Also, you tune organs? That's so cool! Do you play as well?

 

Beginning of Day Three:

THAT WAS A WEIRD NIGHT. I think(?) the drug made me a little drowsy? I only took 12.5mg because I also am some weird mutant whose body can't handle anything above a 12 y/o dosage of ANYTHING. I'm not going to take any tonight, and then I'll take a full 25mg tomorrow night. I remember a specific point last night where I was definitely dreaming, but also definitely awake (I could tell what side I was laying on and how my pillow was and I could hear the humidifier running), but ... ? It was basically my PTSD hypervigilance on steroids. So I spent a lot of the night in some kind of state I would call "awake-sleeping". It still took my forEVER to fall asleep, and I usually fall asleep to Gilmore Girls or Big Bang Theory or something just quietly playing on the iPad, but I had to turn it OFF to fall asleep. That was weird and a half. Wondering if maybe my brain is focussing harder on the Wellbutrin so I can't just tune things out. I also missed my alarm this morning (??) but luckily wasn't late, just rushed. I auto-snoozed the alarm in my weird awake-sleep state. SO WEIRD. I'm gonna go without the drug tonight and see what happens ...

Emotionally/mentally - I'm productive. I'm getting shit done. The things that I typically say "I need to do this" and then proceed to sit and stare at my computer for hours are actually getting done. No headache, no appetite suppression, just this weird awake thing. I am also still craving cigarettes which was something that also didn't happen on Wellbutrin last go-round. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFERENT THE LAST ATTEMPT WAS ONLY TWO MONTHS AGO???? I'm still vaguely irritable about everything but more likely to just go do the thing rather than be annoyed that somebody else didn't do the thing that they were supposed to. I'm not 'stressed' per se, but I do have a couple really full days coming up.

I'm now doing the "is the Wellbutrin actually doing anything DIFFERENTLY than normal? Is this a pointless venture? Wouldn't I rather SLEEP solidly and deal with the rest?" BUT I've promised myself to stay on it a full fourteen days before making any decisions (which is what my doctor wanted me to do last time, that I totally didn't do ...)

Also yes - I play pipe organ, I also direct a choir, and work in an Anglican Cathedral. Tuning and repairing is fun though - we're doing the massive falling-down church downtown today, and then my Cathedral tomorrow. I also sing, and have a carolling gig tonight, and I'm an ASL-English/French interpreter, and have a gig for that tonight too. I never stop moving *blink blink*

<3

 

Forgot to do the "end of day" update yesterday. Had a decent day - though my monthly dose of "hey your uterus is birthing samurai swords" showed up in the morning so there were some lovely cramps to deal with. Ugh. Went carolling at a local museum (and got paid for it - some Dickens Christmas Carol Victorian Era gig), and had loads of fun. Then went briefly to poké-hunt with a friend. Got home, prepped for bed, and ...

Decided to go with 2mg melatonin (USANA pure rest brand - I used to swear by the stuff) instead of the diphenhydramine. BEST DECISION EVER. I was still awake a couple times in the the night, but I slept, dreamed a little, and could tell the difference between asleep and awake, which was nice. No hangover to speak of this morning (though I was a little slower moving than normal, but not bad).

No appetite suppression yet ... sometimes that won't happen until later on in swords, but we'll see. Still smoking - I've decided that my quit date is going to be December 25th. That way I can smoke through the hell of Christmas, then go home after the service, have a last smoke, a shower, brush my teeth, then go to my parents place (wherein I can't smoke anyway), and if we get a big storm I'll be staying there overnight (more encouragement to not smoke) and if I make the 24hr period the rest gets a little easier.

Just texted with my doctor (seriously THE BEST DOCTOR EVER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE I WISH MORE PEOPLE HAD A DOCTOR LIKE HER <3 <3 <3) and have an appointment to see her on Thursday. So far so good though ... productivity is still up, executive dysfunction is a thing of the past(?) and I'm reasonably happy/content. Slightly irritable, but wayy less than before.

True test will be tonight's choir practice, today's organ tuning at MY Cathedral, and Friday having the kiddo home from school (stupid Christmas break ...), Saturday's two services and Sunday's early morning service and and and ... *must remember to get Edwin to fix the close-circuit tv so my choir can see me*

I'm going to keep tracking for the full two weeks, so that if I ever (when I ever?) go off Wellbutrin I know what to expect. Also it'll be interesting to see what the doctor says.

<3

 

Middle of Day Four:

I am TIRED. Organ tuning kills people anyway, but DAMN. I experienced "hyperfocus" for the first time in a loooong time today, which was nice, but it's also really hard to come out of. I'm still doing okay, just COLD and TIRED because it's COLD and I worked hard and concentrated hard today.

Not sure I'll be updating ANYTHING after choir practice. I'll just want to SLEEP, I'm sure ...

<3

 

Ok, so, I got SUPER sick last night. Like crazy sick.

Stressful things happened, I cried harder than I have for awhile, I was tired, swords hate me, etc. SO I got home from choir practice, got ready for bed, took melatonin, then got hit with the worst gut malaise/nausea I've had in AGES. That plus a splitting headache - literally splitting - made for a rough night. I pawned off the girl on my moirail this morning (thank you thank you thank you) so that I could sleep in, but I'm still rocking a terrible headache.

Other than that ... I don't know how I'm doing anymore. I would like to sleep through the night again.

<3

 

So I survived the insanity that is Christmas at the Cathedral. Wow.

Two nights without sleeping pills purely because I've been exhausted and staying up late.

I've skipped the Wellbutrin this morning as tonight needs to be the night I go back to a normal bedtime - planning to take melatonin at 8:30pm in preparation for 9pm bedtime. I doubt it will go well and I'm well-prepared for the headache of death from skipping a day on Wellbutrin, but this is kinda the way it has to be in order to reset.

I mostly feel okay. Tired. Still a bit of the 'exhaustion' headache. True test will be once I go back to school.

Other thought I just had ... I'm planning to stay up until midnight on New Years Eve - should I wait to reset, or reset now and just not let the following days get away from me?

<3

 

Withdrawal headache happened fast :P

However, this means it should be REALLY easy to go to bed early and wake up earlier tomorrow.

*fingers crossed*

 

Putting this here bc I don't know where else to put it ...

Meds are working. Quite well, actually. I'm reasonably stable, reasonably productive, currently house-sitting for my parents ... so, that's nice.

BUT. I made it through today on hot chocolate and tea, and was super energized and happy about it. That's usually the first sign of an *actual* foray back into Anorexia-Land, which I don't really want to do, but at the same time? Bring it on ...

In other news ... massive shift in my world on Tuesday afternoon. The only person who *really* clued in is my professor at school. She's AMAZING and I literally worship the ground she walks on, and am simultaneously both intimidated by and terrified of her. She *cares* about her students, and notices everything. I hope someday I'm half the teacher/conductor/woman that she is. ANYWAY. She cornered me after class yesterday, catching me completely off guard. I basically froze, and had a total PTSD-panic moment after she simply asked "are you okay?" She then (I only found this out today) made a phone call to the accessibility advisor on campus to check in with me. I sufficiently pacified the accessibility advisor, and then did the "wrap-up" conversation with this teacher, basically saying "hey, sorry about yesterday, you caught me off guard" (to which she actually said I didn't need to apologize, and that she felt she needed to apologize for catching me off guard). She then didn't believe me when I said "everything's fine, a situation came up, and it's being dealt with." ... I pretty much LIVE by fleecing people ... she's too smart. Mad respect for her, man.

She then gave me her cellphone number, telling me if I ever need anything, to contact her.

This woman is busier than I am. She's an amazing teacher, an amazing professional, and someone I look up to like crazy ... and she gave me her cellphone number? I'm never going to use it EVER, but ... wow.

It still takes me by surprise when people *actually* care.

 

I think a lot of people with illness or disabilities learn to live by fleecing people. Nobody had the faintest idea I had a pretty significant learning disability for at least the first 18 years of my life. I forget exactly when I was diagnosed, but it was no earlier than that. It seems like so many people would rather be convinced that everything is fine because they don't really know what to do if it isn't. It's so hard not to just give people what they obviously want when the other option makes you so vulnerable.

I'm so glad you have someone so perceptive and caring looking out for you. People like that make me proud to be human. That's what it can be like when we get it right.

I'm so happy the meds are working. I'm glad you're keeping an eye out for known problems. I hope they don't trouble you.

 

Updddaaatttteeeee ............

So, I did a radio interview. Regarding PTSD. Regarding my life. Regarding ... things. It (obviously) triggered things. I probably posted about it somewhere, but I clearly can't remember right now ... and ... well ... *sigh*. (If you're interested in listening, I can PM you the link, but I'm not allowed to post it publicly yet).

So, Sunday I got the completed show e-mailed to me, and I listened to it with a friend-a.k.a-the-Mama-Bear. I lost it. Completely lost it. Cried for a couple hours, just ... remembering. It's a 20 minute drive to my parents' empty house. I had to pull over a couple times and cry.

Spoiler: suicide chatter

Got home, made up my mind. Clean the house, write letters, and disappear so that the scary/evil people can't hunt me down when the story airs on the radio. I phoned said mama bear, said goodbye, hung up the phone.

One of the things that is the absolute hardest for me to do EVER is to say "I need you" to the people in my life who are actually capable of supporting me. But, I did. After hanging up the phone on her, I texted the Mama Bear and said "I need you". She had to wait for Papa Bear to get home from his thing, but she came. I was still in the process of cleaning and packing when I came across a hoodie that they gave me ... I made a "Mama Bear" hoodie for her birthday. I made a "Papa Bear" hoodie for him at Christmas. They made me a "Cub" hoodie for my birthday. This was enough to completely collapse me on the floor in tears until Mama got to the house. For whatever reason, I had accidentally left the door unlocked so she just came in.

Spoiler: more suicide chatter

If I hadn't found the hoodie, I probably wouldn't be here today.

She took me back to her house, tucked me into the room that I always stay in (it used to be Bailey's room, her older daughter's room, and there's something safe and warm about it). I burst into tears the second she left the room, and waited until I thought she might be asleep, and tried to sneak out and run away. This didn't work, because she heard me. We sat on the couch for about a half hour, and I was so tired that I was either crying or sleeping but there wasn't a lot of awake between. So, we ended up back in my room, and she just laid there and held me until I fell asleep.

Spoiler: PTSD/Traumatic Nightmare Stuff

She had to wrestle me a couple times. I was trying to strangle myself in an effort to get dream-strangler-hands off me. I tend to wrap my arms around myself and scratch/hurt my ribs. I woke up with bruises from my own hands, and don't even want to think about what would've happened if she wasn't there. Waking up and hearing a mama's voice and heartbeat is the most comforting/safe thing in the world - and an experience I've never really had through a night before.

So, I woke up from that ... (three hours of sleep, restless sleep), and was very VERY sore. All of my muscles/joints/everything just hurt. Red marks from the various nightmares. I mostly functioned, and really just needed the world to leave me alone. I told my moirail and two other acquaintance-friends that I really needed the day to be quiet, and I couldn't offer support at that time (which made me feel like shit, but I knew I had literally nothing to give). I made it through the day, worked, existed, but then my ex decided to open up a fight and completely invalidate everything I had said in a very heartfelt letter to him on Sunday. I was firm for awhile, then simply said "there are other things going on. This conversation needs to go completely to bed until at least next week". Thankfully he respected that. A mutual friend told him to bugger off, and informed him that he was "allowed to have a reaction, but not an opinion" on what I had said (basically that we can't even be friends at this point because he blurs boundary lines and gets right under the "I have to be considerate of everybody and do what everybody wants" side of the PTSD, which is why we end up planning marriage at least once a year before it falls apart when he triggers a meltdown).

Then, nearing the end of the evening, moirail writes me a note. "How goes?" I was really grateful for this, because living in a silent bubble just to protect everybody from ME is hard, especially when I would kill for a friend. Since we had talked earlier, I figured "hey, she's just checking in, that's sweet, I'm actually going to be honest about how things are" so I replied "eh." (or some such variation of that). I then asked "how's you?" without *really* thinking about the question, because, y'know, it's the polite thing to do. the second she answered "middling." with no other follow up or anything it was the "oh. Now the conversation ball is in my court, and I'm supposed to ask what's up and offer support and I canNOT do that (which she knew), so I responded something like "fun.". Then she says "sounds like it's a fun evening for both of us", to which I blew up. She didn't think that I bit her head off (and to be fair I exercised A LOT of self-control), but MAN. So, that was a great way to head into the night, which is classically the hardest part. I know she didn't mean any harm by it, but she started offering to sacrifice her self-care routine to make sure I was okay and that just pissed me off more, because she needs to take care of herself. I said as much, and then *poof*. We're good now, I think, but I'm definitely going to hesitate at the "how goes?" question in the future. Especially for the next few days.

ANYWAY. The saga continues ... I wrote an e-mail to my counsellor in Brandon essentially BEGGING for her help. She phoned. We talked. We e-mailed back and forth a couple times. Looks like I'm making a day trip into Brandon on Monday, because I would pay a million dollars to see her, and she has time for me (thank you GOD).

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. Levelled with her as per my counsellor's request (I hate the fact that my counsellor lives 2.5hrs away, ugh) and she basically said "I can write you the referral to a psychologist. I can write your wellbutrin prescription. I can give you a **hug* * from the bottom of my heart, but I can't do anything else for you". To which I'm like DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT DUH. (Hello, anger ... my anxiety manifests as irritability/anger).

Okay, pushing pause to get the kid out the door, but I will be back to finish the story ... it needs to be recorded somewhere, and at least here maybe someone will witness it.

<3

 

Bah, the kid and I were both running late/slow this morning, and I waltzed into class literally at the last possible second, ugh.

So: yesterday ... doctor, e-mailing back and forth with counsellor, then dropped by Mama Bear's office for a *hug* , and actually did what my counsellor suggested (if last night was shit, I was supposed to find somewhere else to be tonight such that I survive and don't use up ALL my coping energy in one go) ... so the agreement yesterday was "if the night is shit, I can sleep at mama bear's". I've been ignoring her texts today, because ... I don't want her to know. I feel like I should be doing better. Last night wasn't the greatest. I did okay as long as I kept myself busy, which meant I handwashed all the dishes (even though the house I'm sitting at has a dishwasher, heh), and I vacuumed and dusted and organized and unpacked/repacked my duffels and and and ... finally crawled into bed shortly after midnight, tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep, and then had nightmares. More nightmares. Like, c'mon, just bugger off already, stupid nightmares. I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP TO REMEMBER MORE CLEARLY. So, haven't decided whether I'll bother mama bear or not ... but ... ugh. I literally hurt, pretty much all over.

So, the school side of things ... I'm studying at a very small religious institution. Everybody knows everybody and everybody cares. I only have one professor this term, because I'm only taking two courses. This professor is AMAZING. She's a gifted teacher, and very skilled/gifted/amazing in what she does. She also has a heart of gold that's about the size of Texas, even though she tends to hide it behind some well-crafted intimidation :) Both of these classes are very physical, very practical. Due to the 'fun' of the past few nights, I can barely breathe to speak, much less properly breathe to sing. I can barely pick up my backpack, much less bend at the waist and touch my toes. I have a medical note saying "Tash can observe class, but shouldn't participate for the remainder of this week". That's really hard to honour in these particular classes. Like, REALLY hard to honour. I don't want to be "that person" that everyone's looking at saying "why does SHE get to sit down and not do the things that make you look like a fool" ... ? I'm now on campus waiting around for a scheduled meeting with said professor. Not sure how much detail of any of this to go into, but ... she deserves to know how bad things are just so that she'll understand why I can participate to a point, but not anywhere beyond that point.

I'm kind of at the point where I'm going through the motions again. Several people have said that something seems "off", "different", or "subdued". One of my friends put it this way: "You usually have an energy in you that is absolutely beautiful, and it's completely missing right now. Yes, you look the same and are doing the same things, but the light in you is missing". I guess we'll see what happens at choir practice tomorrow night - we'll see then if the light is really missing.

I have a chorister who makes my life difficult just by existing. She misses rehearsals without telling me ... then she makes the rest of the world slow down so that she can learn things that she would've learned, had she been at the previous rehearsal. She also is one of those people who just makes the rehearsal slower because I have to tell her each individual time how to breathe, when to let go of a note, how to pronounce a word ... as much as I love it when she misses rehearsals, I hate that she sings on the anthems without rehearsing, and ... would it be better if she were there, or away, tomorrow?

Okay. I think that's all the writing I really have space for today. Time to slowly re-assemble myself. At least I've managed to stay out of the psych ward in the midst of this, yeah?

<3

 

So last night, I did what my counsellor said - and went over to the mama bear's house. We had previously agreed that I would sleep in the basement such that I didn't worry about waking her if nightmares etc. happened ... well, I forgot to account for the anxiety of sleeping a) in a basement and b) somewhere strange. So, I ended up sleeping upstairs. I was in bed long before they were, had one nightmare, packed up my shit and left. Sat in the car for about five minutes bawling my face off, then the mama bear told me to come back inside, that it was okay if I woke her up, and that she loved me.

Fast forward a few hours ... many much nightmares. Many much coughing/strangling/feeling like dying. Many much tears. One big *hug* from the mama bear and many much praying, then I slept.

Unfortunately, she told me that she had to be somewhere at 9am this morning, and then once she realized how deeply I was FINALLY sleeping, decided not to wake me up ... and I had left my meds NOT in my backpack, so ... 6hrs late on Wellbutrin, guys, this could be fun.

My professor basically sat me down and said if I want to skip class tomorrow I could, but ... I don't want to. This term is already flying by, and I don't want to miss a second of being in her class. FOR ANY REASON. I'll even do the goddamn assignment that means getting up in front of the world and presenting and and and ...

But. I would love to stay home, do laundry, clean the house, get things ready for when the people I'm house-sitting for get back Saturday, and then go back to Real Life tomorrow.

Is that failure?

 

Okay, I think I'm on the upswing (thank GOD).

I went to class yesterday, participated, the teacher seemed to think I was doing better than I had been, which is true/good. Today I go to class, and I have to do a five minute teaching demonstration. I used my choir as guinea pigs yesterday, and I think it'll be fine. I feel like it's not quite as detailed as she wants it to be, but whatever. It is what it is. Here's hoping my body lets me bend and twist the way we're supposed to.

Last night was a bit of a gong show - stayed out too late (ugh). Got up earlier than normal, thought about showering, laughed, and decided just to wash my bangs and blow-dry them because the rest of my hair can get pulled back, as long as the bangs don't look greasy LOL! Now sitting across the table from a very tired and zoned out kiddo who is doing her damnedest to be quick with breakfast today because of my early class etc.

Today I've got the kid, then teaching demo in class, then off to work. An old friend is supposedly stopping by work today, so I'm looking forward to seeing her. After that I'm grabbing bedding and laundry from my apartment to do at the house before I go back to the apartment tomorrow. Also going to vacuum and clean and things to make sure all is well.

I feel productive. I'm tired, but I feel like I'll be able to get things done. I am SO glad to be on an upswing - just have to be careful not to overdo it. I just have to make it 'til Monday when I can see my beloved favouritest ever counsellor.

<3