Tasha's Life-Tracking Thread

... today has been spent alternating between Midol and paracetamol ... downing yogurt, Lipton soup, tea ... water ... soon to be cough drops ...

My throat is vaguely scratchy. I'm hoping enforced silence and copious amounts of warm-to-hot liquids will stall that. I'm also hoping that constant consumption of fluids will flush it out BEFORE the fever hits. I do also have to be aware of the fact that my period has just started, which ALWAYS has some fun attached to it as well ...

Spoiler: tmi

including the fact that I'm apparently bleeding like a stuck pig this month, but hey - if it ends faster, I can get my bloodwork done faster

...

ugh.

I HATE BEING IMMUNOCOMPROMISED

Spoiler: UGH.

I HATE IT EVEN MORE WHEN I CAN'T BE RIDICULOUSLY ANGRY ABOUT GETTING SICK BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO GOT ME SICK IS SOMEONE I ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT

Spoiler: UGH.

BUT THAT MAKES ME MORE ANGRY BECAUSE THEY KNOW BETTER

 

*harbors murderous rage*

*goes to sleep*

 

*continues to harbour murderous rage*

*can't go to sleep yet*

... well, fuck.

 

"you can't fix stupid", my father used to say.

sometimes he's wrong, but other times? he is so SO right.

You can't fix stupid, Tash, so stop trying. Just coexist with it, and move about your own life in your own way.

 

I'm tired of people being scared of me. I am so, SO, sososososo tired of people being scared of me. I suppose that explains why I don't have actual friends.

 

So, after all this conversing and frustration and annoyance and whatever ...

My closest-in-proximity friend is terrified of the universe. This is surprising to me, because frankly she's had a silver-platter life, but comes from a family that tends to generate their own problems, just so they don't get left behind ... and then the people in the family who have ACTUAL problems kinda get shoved under the rug. But hey, whatever - to each their fucking own. I just don't get why people generate their own "special problems" and read books and articles until they talk in circles.

So she's made this big proclamation about how she's gonna stop being afraid of everything, and how she's gonna start believing people when they say they're interested in her life, and she's gonna start figuring out her faith and so on so forth ... (the faith piece is important because she works for me at a church, and *insert drama with my boss here*)

I am a terrible person, because there's the part of me that's happy for her and "yay, go for it", but ... I also have a fair bit of realism inside me.

The reality is ... this is going to be a long process. The reality is she's gonna try something, get shot down, and then be terrified to try again for the next three years. She's not at all failure-motivated, and I don't know how success-motivated people deal with hardship? I really don't? Because, there's gonna be someone in her life who says "I don't care" or "you're wrong" or "that's stupid" (and honestly chances are it'll be me at some point, because don't we ALL say things like that sometimes?) and I'm tired of scraping up the pieces and picking up the shit.

I firmly believe that there does have to be a rock bottom. Rock bottom looks different for everybody, but there has to be a point where things are SO BAD that you won't stand them anymore. And frankly, if people keep pointing it out before you hit your own personal rock bottom, then YOU are not gonna feel like you've hit it. (General you, meaning she, or whatever) ... and if you don't hit your rock bottom, you'll never actually understand the way up.

Complacency's a bitch man.

Also, on the religion side of things. I am sick of being "admired" for holding onto my faith through my hellish life. Like, really sick and tired of it. To me, it just makes SENSE. Trial by fire, and the only thing that held through the fire was my faith. I believe in the power of healing prayer. If you don't believe it, then what've you got to lose by trying it? But, you have to ACTUALLY try it. Not just show up and say "this isn't gonna work but I'm here". Though, frankly, if God/Jesus is who He says He is, then He'll meet you there if He chooses. I think people just don't like not feeling like they're 100% in control of their destinies. But, if we were 100% in control of our destinies, would we REALLY be happy? And then there's the "well, if God was good ..." but no, God IS good. I read something somewhere - you are FREE to CHOOSE, but you are NOT FREE from the CONSEQUENCES of your CHOICE ... free will, yada yada. Also, salvation isn't just a 'free pass' to do whatever the hell you want because "God'll forgive you later," no, that's not how that works. So you people who say "don't trust someone who uses an invisible deity to absolve them of their sins" ... y'know, in some cases you're probably right, because there are people who co-opt and ruin EVERYTHING. But, sometimes ... I wouldn't be able to LIVE with myself if I didn't believe in SOMETHING bigger than us. Something that's actually omniscient, something that's ... real.

Is God a cleverly crafted coping mechanism? Probably. But I think He's a cleverly crafted coping mechanism that cleverly crafted HIMSELF to be what each of us needs in certain situations. Does God enjoy it when people are like "GOD HATES YOU", no - no he doesn't. And if any Christian is worth their salt, they don't hate you either. BUT. It does get really irritating when we all get lumped into this "HORRIBLE PEOPLE CULTURE" even though we're not.

I may get shot for saying this but ... nobody's ever explained to me what it means to be 'non-binary'. Nobody's ever explained to me the experience of being trans. Nobody's ever taken the time to sit me down and explain what all these millions of different words for different things mean, except for the time that I found a word that described me and got shot to hell for it, so have simply stopped. I wish that people would take the time to sit down with the more conservative folk, and explain.

The pride parade is this weekend. I am all for pride. Yes - have your pride, shout it from the rooftops, have your days of visibility - I know what it's like to feel invisible for other reasons. I am not a member of your community, and I welcome you in mine and hope that I'd be welcomed in yours ... But, PLEASE, wear more than just stick-on flowers on your nipples? I've got a ten year old girl who's not allowed to leave the house on pride Sunday because people don't need to see things like that. However, instead of picketing and protesting and being a bitch, I just keep us inside. I really wish, instead of picketing and protesting and being a bitch, people would just sit with me and converse.

Anyway. This went on a very long tangent, and I have to go ... there'll be more, I'm sure. So many thoughts swirling through my head right now, and not all of them are nice.

Also:

131h30m smoke free (i.e. 5 days 11 hours 30 minutes)
I've saved myself 5.5hrs of time not spent smoking.
I've not smoked 66 cigarettes.
I've regained 32 hours of my life.
I've saved $43.40

I'm proud. Take that, haters.

 

Hello, June.

Nice to see you.

Now kindly fuck off. Nobody has time for this shit and the one person who knows what to do in June has been put in a box because of boundaries.

Fuck.

 

AND I LITERALLY HAVE NOBODY

GUESS IM ON MY OWN

I FUCKING HATE PTSD, STUPID PEOPLE, ILLNESS, AND MYSELF.

 

So, I have one friend.

Spoiler: Ex-Boyfriend

He usually got the brunt of meltdowns until January - then we split, and he stopped getting the brunt of anything. He was pretty much in the dark in February. However, lately, we've been talking more. Not in a "crossing boundary lines" way, but a "let's have a conversation" way. So, we got together and went to the park on the 31st May. Yesterday, the 1st June, was when shit hit the fan. Suddenly he's like "yeah, I thought about saying something yesterday ..." and it's like THE FUCK ARE YOU STUPID DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT A LITTLE TINY BIT OF "HEY TASH THIS MIGHT BE YOUR PTSD" WOULD CHANGE????? I inquired if he could let me KNOW next time, and he simply says "I will be more forthcoming with my observations". So much appreciated. Just a simple, yup. Yup.

So, I have another friend.

Spoiler: Sister/Moirail

She (apparently) got the brunt of the meltdowns on the 30-31st May this go 'round. However, she's neither strong enough nor quick enough to go "oh, hey, Tash, uh, maybe this is a meltdown?" instead she bows and scrapes and apologizes and says "sleep well!" and then feels like shit about herself so that when I finally clue into the fact that "oh shit, this is June", there's no fucking way I can ask her for anything, because I feel like a pile of SHIT because she won't stand up for herself, and THEN when she does stand up for herself it's in the snarliest "I already said sorry for that. So. How can I help with the real problems?" way and it's like "ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh am I not allowed to be upset about this situation??????????" ... Everything with her is a value judgement or a comparison. Even when I asked her if she could let me KNOW next time (not that she's observant enough to put the pattern together, but I like to be an optimist) she replies "I'll keep an eye on it and let you know if I notice anything". It's like, NO. Do not "keep an eye on it". You "keep an eye on" children. Illnesses. Pets. Things that are subject to your authority (in my opinion). A simple "yep if I see anything I'll tell you", would've been sufficient. I think it feels a bit like she's a puppy - OH YOU'RE GIVING ME THIS THING I'LL SHOW YOU HOW RESPONSIBLE I AM. That's not necessarily a BAD thing, but it is when you're twenty-five ...

Anyway.

I survived last night. Today doesn't feel quite as bad as yesterday, but I know a huge chunk of responsibility is on my shoulders to make sure I *eat* (because I didn't yesterday), and that I keep refusing to smoke (so far so good), and that I get work done and survive the +33c weather we're going to have today. Did I mention I FUCKING HATE SUMMER?

<3

 

Just for data point ...

Yesterday afternoon I felt fine. Like, reprieve, fine. E-mailed counsellor from a million miles away and asked if the June meltdown could be over so quickly, and how should I proceed and how careful should I be etc., etc., etc. She responds with a short sweet "you have an amazing gift ... you ..." and a "listen to your instincts" and ...

BUT THE PROBLEM IS HALF THE TIME MY INSTINCTS ARE TELLING ME TO RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

So ... ? Can I listen to them and blame her? Anyway. I sunk down a little bit after that, then got over myself. Watched a thunderstorm. MANAGED TO SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW OPEN YEAASSSSS.

Now I'm going to organ-tune. I'm already a little (a lot?) bitchy. Sibling is coming to help with the tuning ... we'll see how this goes. If sibling is anywhere near chipper, I will kill sibling. If sibling decides she knows better than me what tuned sounds like, I will kill sibling. I really wish I could ask creepy old man to be there for this, but I do not trust him in any way shape or form, and it's too warm for a Baptist skirt and a hoodie. I think other friend is bringing proper coffee. Hopefully it's still warm when he gets there. Coffee is only good hot.

Ugh. Here are your wings Tash, now go fly, and try not to alienate the cat too.

 

... thanks to everyone who's been on this crazy ride with me. I hope, maybe, that some of my story will end up being helpful to someone else. Somehow, I doubt it will, but hey - I can be an optimist sometimes.

Keep on keeping on, everybody. May the odds be ever in your favour, as they're certainly not in mine anymore.

<3

 

Are you okay?

 

Not right now, but I will be. A few loose ends to wrap up.

Nobody else gets to determine when enough is enough for me, anymore. Enough has been enough for a VERY long time.

 

And what does this wrapping up loose ends and deciding what enough is look like?

 

... becoming like Estha in 'God of Small Things' by Arundhati Roy.

and if that doesn't work, then becoming like Shizuko in 'Shizuko's Daughter' by Kyoko Mori ...

 

I don't know what that means...?

 

Not my intention to Concern people.

Esthappen, from God of Small Things, simply exists in silence - taking up as little space as possible, while still being his own person.

Apologies for letting frustration get the better of me.

<3

 

Glad to hear you're okay :)

I hope you achieve what you set out to do. :)

 

Data point ...

It seems that a slight change in diagnosis (well, not 'change', but 'addition to') has given me a different set of tools. In part because with the original diagnosis (PTSD), I was using all the coping skills AND THEY WEREN'T WORKING. Then, with the additional diagnosis (BPD / cluster B personality traits), I actually have a new thing to figure out, with a whole new set of skills, and while I'm still totally freaking out about it, I have accepted the challenge.

But ugh. Seriously? Tash couldn't have picked a brain weird that ISN'T completely hated and never spoken about? -.-