Tasha's Life-Tracking Thread

I stayed up too late last night. Also the night before. But I knew intellectually that staying up late is a shitty idea 99.9% of the time and while I'm really glad moirail and I had the conversation, I really wish "I'm kicking you out at 8:30 so I can sleep on time" actually MEANT something. *sigh*

There are literally zero versions of today that will go well. Ugh.

 

Keeping track ...

feeling better. sort of. choir wrap-up was today.

gonna make a point of logging every single day I'm at biologicals house. because ugh. just. ugh.

I hate changes. I hate forgetting things. I am tired. Clonazepam? Exhaustion? Combination thereof? I'M SO TIRED.

<3

 

... the moment when you once again run into the wall of "everything is changing here" and also "nothing is changing back there", and the realization that if things DON'T change back there, you actually have to be the one to change them.

& when you realize that your friend is going to take EVERYTHING you say as a personal slight or a pointy remark or a whatever and you just don't have TIME for that anymore, and then you realize you have to figure out a bunch of new things to go with the new realizations and ... well ... going home is never as easy as I anticipate it to be.

Was supposed to get together with a bunch of friends two days after I get back ... don't think I can. I mean, I could get together with SOME of those friends, but not all of them. I just ... I don't 'need' it the way I thought I did.

It's complicated. I'm so unemotional and removed and matter of fact and whatever right now, it's quite nice. Can I hold onto this when I get home, but also let go of the rest?

Grampa said at some point I have to let other people have their problems. He says at some point I have to stop trying to fix things, and just let them exist in their own world, and if I can't handle it / it drives me nuts / it drags me down, I have to walk away.

I've tried ... but I always chicken out. WHY?

We'll see what happens when I get back.

 

... Winnipeg ... you need to work on your 'welcome back'.

1. landed late (I suppose that's Toronto's fault).
2. had an opportunity to share a cab with RFO and basically be one of zero people who get to say that, but my annoying brother showed up with my ex, even though I told them not to worry abut it once the flight got delayed
3. commissionaires were checking on my parents house, where I'm now house-sitting, and they locked the KNOB on the back door which is basically impossible to get into unless you're fucking MacGyver (thankfully, I am. And the RDA MacGyver, not the new one) but it took me a half hour to get into the house
4. commissionaires also knew about my parents' car being elsewhere, but wrote it down like it was a bad scary thing that it wasn't in the garage so I spent another half hour making sure the car wasn't supposed to be home.
5. the only person who seems to give a damn that I'm home is Brad, who is a boy who is madly in love with me and I feel like I'm supposed to feel things for him too but I don't think I do because he's still energy to be around, and I know if I put in the energy now then someday maybe he won't take energy, but for now ...
6. literally nobody has said 'welcome back' and the people who I asked (nicely!) to move my car from my apartment to where I'm house-sitting decided to leave it half a block away so that I have to move it in order to put all the stuff into it because they're lazy and can't communicate. Oh, also, it's raining, and the umbrella is IN THE CAR.
7. I haven't heard a whisper from my roommate about feeding cat or how he's doing, and I know no news is good news but wtf.
8. my soon-to-be-ex-best friend is scared of me and therefore talking to my ex about how to approach me because I'm terrifying and horrible and the worst person ever and omg if she didn't HAVE to be my friend she probably WOULDN'T and I'm definitely hoping we're even on cash and favours right now because I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to continue being the counsellor and advisor for someone WHO WON'T EVEN SAY HELLO.
9. It's rainy. And gross.

I really should've just gone to work today, instead of trying to stay home / catch up / get some sleep / whatever. I really REALLY should've just gone into work.

 

Today's word of advice:

Don't waste energy fighting for someone who doesn't think you're worth fighting for, or for someone who is too afraid to fight for you.

 

. . . I'm sorry guys. I'm just ... so, so sorry.

 

there's screwed, and there's SCREWED. Currently, I fall in the latter category.

 

AUGH.

Ok, very brief update ...

Moirail and I are bordering on ex-moirail status. Which is. Semi-relief to me, but at the same time ... it's not like we don't have *fun* together. Like. I like her. And I see her POTENTIAL. But. AAUUUGGGHHHH. Making things WORSE is her talent, and I don't know how to mitigate this.

I have also slightly fallen in diamonds with a new friend, but ... can't. Anyway. Whatever. So.

Hmmmm ... mostly things are okay(?) but at the same time NOTHING is okay and everything is TERRIBLE but ... eh. I don't know anymore. I am tired. I shouldn't be tired. It's weird having a dog. I will never have a dog of my own unless I live in the country.

I'm going *outside* of the country to meet with complete strangers ... and am trying to get a meeting with a professor of pipe organ in said foreign country. Hahahahahahah I'm not a functional enough human being for that.

MORE AUGH.

I don't know how ... things ... I ... I dunno.

 

to the tune of 'I hate Winnipeg' ...

I HATE EVERYONE ...

I HATE EVERYTHING ...

Cutting, thou art a cold heartless bitch.

 

So ... medication tracking AGAIN!

This time, Alysena-28. (I'm allowed to flush the sugar pills if I don't want to take them).

Desired Outcomes:
1. To minimize/eliminate PMS
2. To lengthen my cycle (used to be 34-36, is now 26-28, and due to long PMS, is hell)
3. To find out what hormones do to my body!

So ... here we go, starting today ... (by which I mean, tonight).

 

Medication Tracking: I slept decently, had a short bout with nausea but was entirely too lazy to get up and deal with it, so stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep. I would've slept until my alarm except construction started early this morning. Fortunately, I have inquired, and construction will NOT be occurring tomorrow, which means I can sleep in (which is good, because although it was easier to get out of bed this morning than it has been other mornings, I AM FUCKING TIRED).

Emotion Tracking: I am slightly irritable towards ... towards ... hm. I can't really call her my 'moirail', but I can't really not call her my 'moirail', so ... we'll just call her E. I am also slightly irritable towards ex-fiancé (who is arguably closer to moirail status than E, but that could just get messy). I'm not irritable towards the dog or cat right now. I'm annoyed by my co-workers audio-chatter (he's blind, but he also types as fast as I do, so the "speak-while-type" voice never gets a full letter out and it makes me a little bit crazy), but it's not the end of the world. I'm having a hard go focussing on work (ALSO THE OMAR KHADR CASE IS DRIVING ME BALLISTIC - mostly because I'm watching my uneducated non-military friends saying that the government is right in paying him 10.5 million dollars before the court process is completed because OMG to actually make a call on that would be like ... committing to something ... hear that, Trudeau? YOU MIGHT HAVE TO COMMIT TO SOMETHING INSTEAD OF THROWING MONEY AT IT SO YOU CAN COMPARE FUNKY SOCKS AND TAKE SELFIES. Anyway, rawr ...)

Physical Health Tracking: I have a slight sore throat (which is of course listed as a side effect on the Alysena but as if that's what it is). I'm tired, but had an easier time waking up. I've had oatmeal, hot chocolate, and a yogurt drink-thing for breakfast, so I have already eaten better than yesterday. I'm having very small amounts of intestinal distress, but nothing that's abnormal or worrisome at this point. I was rocking a minor headache, but it seems to have buggered off for the moment (but I forgot my water bottle home today, dammit). So, I feel mostly fine.

Mental Acuity Tracking: I didn't try to put the hot chocolate in the fridge this morning, so that must count for something.

In Other News:

Did some reading on 'quadrants' and how they actually work.

Hearts - ahahahahahaahhahahahahahahaha. I haven't one. I'm okay with this. Reproduction? Sex? Pffffffft. LOVE? PFFFFFFFFFFFTTT. Though there is the cute boy who kisses me and apparently loves me but also stood me up Sunday without a text...?

Diamonds - this gets complicated for me. Noting that several of the resources for explaining quadrants base this one basically off "non-romantic pity", it kinda makes sense that I would be moirail to E, because ... well ... sometimes I absolutely pity her. However, pity is one of those emotions that if anyone displays it towards me I lose my shit at them, so I don't exactly tell her that I pity her. Because. No. (Though she's probably going to read this, and it's not like it's news). As far as that goes, I also tend to pity my ex-fiancé (we'll call him M), because ... he's a bit slow, a bit awkward, a bit ... well ... booksmart but very much lacking the lifesmart. He's the male version of E in a lot of ways. Or perhaps, since he's nine years older, E is the female version of him. The only difference is that E somehow managed to find a mate ... (I finally told her that if I could go back in time I'd seduce him and take him for myself). There's not really anyone that I would consider being a moirail to me - which begs the question, is this relationship truly reciprocal, or could it be designed to be a chain, instead? The closest I've found thus far is an on-line friend that I met fairly recently (let's call them G), and frankly ... I feel well guarded by them, but they're already in diamonds with another person. Alas. Complicated! So I tend to be the guardian and person who wallops others upside the head when they need it, and yet ... so few people actually seem to wallop me upside the head when I need it. Lately E is also scared of her own shadow, which makes her about twelve times more annoying than she was before. QUESTION: to all you INFP/emotionally driven/people afflicted with depression, how do you change things about yourself? Like, I stubborn myself into a change and decide "well that was a fucking failure I will NEVER do that again" and I somehow have the ability to (mostly) never do that again. I also problem-solve with the best of them and reserve judgements for things rather than people. Anyway blah blah blah, HOW CAN I HELP E FIGURE THIS OUT WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND IN THE PROCESS? The hard part is that she'll do something for me before she'll do something for her husband which is really backwards and no no no but she will also think of things only from her perspective and seems literally incapable of putting herself into anyone else's shoes - yet claims she is an amazing empath (ok she hasn't made that claim in years, so I should stop holding it against her ...) how do you teach someone to actually look at things from another person's perspective? It requires an understanding of the other person's emotional state, the other person's way of relating to the world, and the other person's view of the situation. How do you get that understanding if it's not inborn? I somehow have that understanding of most (definitely not all... but most) people I have any sort of relationship with. How do you teach this? Anyway ...

Clubs - oh, hey another complicating factor for my diamonds ... because I'm mediating between E and her husband (hey, look, let's call him J), and mostly keep them from killing each other (bc E would kill J by overwhelming him and yelling at him and being a passive-aggressive slamthingsaround at him and/or talking down to him, and J would kill E by refusing to talk to her and ignoring her completely and pretending she simply doesn't exist). So, I balance them out and remind E to be less passive-aggressive and more respectful of the fact that her silver-platter-life is largely because of him, and I remind J to actually speak to E and to give things half a chance and to actually have feelings (which he usually shares with me and I translate them to Female for E because she can't not-interrupt long enough to listen at him). So, yeah. That's complicating, given that E is in the running for diamonds ...

SPADES - oh my favourite my favourite! I'm half-the-time in spades with myself (hello, BPD), and the rest of the time arguably in spades with another on-line friend (let's call him S). Frankly, I like taunting and conflict and annoyance and so on so forth. I'm drawn to it. Far more drawn to this than to anything above. GIVE ME A RIVAL AND I WILL SHOW YOU WHO I AM. (Pretty sure this is also part of the reason I'm still in contact with the ex-fiancé, because frankly I can scream my head off at him and halfway-to-kill him and he just kinda takes it in stride).

^^ for what it's worth I think most of this is a crock of shit because there's not really a way to fit any relationship into a 'box' but I understand the concepts they're trying to create, so sure.

I wonder why I'm friends with illogical and overemotional people? Is it because I would not get along with a less emotional more logical person? I would really like to meet a more logical less emotional person, who is in my age group (ahahahahahahahah THOSE DON'T EXIST) so that I would have a jumping off point for this. As of right now, all of my close irl friends have some form of dysthymia/depression and therefore, though they claim to be numb, they are actually quite hard to deal with because every little tiny thing sets them off into a ball of hopeless despair and causes them to lose their heads and their brains and their ability to think AND WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ME MAKE THIS MAKE SENSE PLEASE???

*sigh*

Ok, maybe NOW I'll be able to focus on work?

 

*screams incoherently*

If only someone would put as much effort into making sure I was okay as I put into making sure others are okay, I would have a best friend.

 

Re: changing things about yourself: Three steps forward, two steps back. Even after you recognize that you're doing things that make you suffer, you instinctively fall back into the same old destructive patterns until you figure it out and pull up. The bad news is it's really hard, especially when you're depressed; the good news is it's possible, with practice.

I don't know if depression correlates with being more emotional. I rely more on reason myself, but reason is often unhelpful against depression and anxiety. "It's exactly as clever as I am because it lives in my brain." I have to be able to grok on an emotional level what logic is screaming in my face.
To give an example: I discovered a couple years ago that my problem-solving skills go through the roof when I'm not worrying and fretting about the problem. Obvious, no? But it didn't seem real until I felt it happen. There was always that nagging voice saying "If you don't worry about this you'll forget something important..." Now I've got evidence to throw at it and say "you are a backwards fucking mind parasite, go away."

I do know it's very difficult to bring about these changes from outside. Especially seeing things from another person's perspective -- I think you only get that from interacting with different people and learning that they may have very different priorities and worldviews from yourself. (A lot of people who claim they're "amazing empaths" only do so because they think everybody is like them and they're too dense to see otherwise...) Sometimes pushing someone too hard to change just makes them dig their heels in and resent you. Give advice when it's asked for and support when you can -- but see to your own emotional needs as well, get space when you need it, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

This is all pretty vague shit, sorry. I'm new to the relationship thing myself.

 

Thank you. Thank you SO much. Will re-read and contemplate when I'm not losing my shit.

 

Spoiler

WHAT IF I AM THE PROBLEM. WHAT IF I AM THE ABUSIVE PARTNER. WHAT IF THE REASON MY EXMOIRAIL IS SO FUCKED UP IS MY FAULT. OH SHIT.

 

... so, just for fun, update on quadrants ... matesprit? check. moirail? brand-new and shiny, and check. clubs? not anymore if I can help it. spades? regularly scheduled programming.

 

Took a day away from Internet with the exception of FB yesterday. It was nice. Worked, walked dog, then went to see Despicable Me 3 and eat exorbitant amounts of popcorn and grease with moirail and hung around the parking lot after talking about life and things. Sorted out a little bit of what I need to stabilize and recover from a very unhealthy relationship without eliminating the relationship or my belief that people can change. (Hell, if I can have a relationship with my biological father, this is peanuts). Then came home, started the organization process, and gave the dog two decent walks which is good bc it's pouring rain today.

Also spent a lot of time working out access for a Deaf friend to her brothers funeral. I ended up finally saying 'no, Sorry' to the gig because I could not handle the pressure. Helping her find someone else though is a challenge. I'm backing away a little from it today though - more practical things to consider ... LIKE COFFEE WITH THE BISHOP. Anyway ...

Today I gotta get things mostly cleaned and organized to start the process of moving back to my place. Dog-family gets back late Friday, and then my life goes back to a little bit of my own. That'll be nice ...

Off to the races ... starting with coffee! I managed to be in bed by 10:30p last night, So between that and sleeping in, if I drug myself by 9:30pm tonight I should be golden for the rest of the week :)

 

Everyone thinks it's a joke when I melt down or get overwhelmed or start feeling suicidal or like I can't function in everyday life.

I have never, in my entire life, been two hours late for work before. I have never actually been unable to get out of bed before.

But, it's still just a joke, isn't it? Yes, of course it is, because pulling through something in the past means that I'll automatically pull through it again, heaven forbid I actually need someone to take this seriously.

Well, guys, joke's on you.

 

... "I'm worried about this specific thing that is pretty much entirely in your court because I'm tired and have already run out of energy ..."

... "ah, okay. *nods*" ...

So this means I'm right to worry about it, and yet again I don't have a friend who can function on my level for even three hours? Yes?

*refuses to answer and pounds head into wall and just goes and does the thing*

 

Changing the ending: answers with "evidently this is a valid concern, I'll do things solo [to avoid the specific thing]".

1. She's gonna be offended and mad (please this one)
2. She's gonna be sad and apologetic (for WHAT)
3. She's not gonna answer at all

... I mostly just have to learn to stop caring when people around me do or say stupid stuff, and let them screw up their lives, and then somehow refuse to fix the problem when it comes back to me to fix ...