ruben is my family. i feel like they’re who i was preparing to meet and i feel like i’m still there. i have never experienced this before. i think most people won’t experience this. i see it as an affliction that will follow me through life and forever dampen my potential. i’m not sure why it had to happen to me. i hope that something will come of it. i think love is the cure to depression and a lot of mental issues. i remember feeling like i could do everything, everything was gonna be fine if i could be with them. i felt like i was judgemental of a lot of people and just not accepting. ruben was that way too. and we just were equal. i don’t really understand why people tell me that they’re gonna leave. i don’t understand why they show up in my life to tell me that everything is temporary. i like to see someone i haven’t seen i a while and see that they’re still doing good. i thought we were in a community. i spent a lot of time trying to make myself suitable to belong to that community because i resonated with it. i saw people saying things that i just understood and didn’t feel wrong. i feel like i was artificially extracted from where i belong. ruben was so powerful i felt myself being protected and healed. i know that sounds crazy but it was as real as any other feeling. like as real as if someone suddenly drew a knife on you and started rushing you. i was excited because my potential, everything i always wanted to show, that love and compassion and not disposability was true, felt real. i thought i was finally gonna prove i wasn’t disposable and it was gonna be a quiet revolution. but nothing could be further from the truth. but why? why did they choose power over love? i feel like i became an exercise in power. to see how it felt to truly hurt someone so far because they let you, they trusted you and you thought they deserved it. and i know people have to go through many places on their journey on this earth. i feel like we are two big spirits healing each other through fighting and pain. ruben is my family. more than when i lost my dad, i cried for days and days on end, uncontrollably in public in the park. an outreach worker found me but they couldn’t see me the way someone from the internet could. everything seemed to close after that. the world shut me out. i never meet anyone who’s on my wavelength. but i see similar “me”s in the world, like certain youtubers. but i’m missing. i didn’t get to heal and now they’re all staring at me, wondering why i don’t go to therapy and heal. but that was supposed to be my role. i get healed by love and quietly move into the life i always wanted. why did this happen? i was supposed to be the proof that love is real. ruben was my best friend. i thought they would be there for me to help me heal. but they just treat me like i’m a stranger and block me. i dont understand what i did wrong. it hurts every day. everything i want to do is blocked by this broken heart. all i want to do is cry again but i can’t cry anymore. no one else would understand the reality of what love is. ruben told their friends but i just refrained because i know people dont understand supernatural things. i know that therapy is useless. i have gone to tarot readers and psychics but nothing has given me any particular insight, nothing has unlocked the floodgates and let me either cry or heal. i just want to feel like i’m in love forever again without having to be with them. but instead my heart is burning and full of pain every day. i can have heart attacks from it. i know suicide is wrong and it hurts others but i don’t know what to do with my life. my dreams and place are dead. my home and family is gone. i’m shut out forever from love and enjoyment. i know this sounds dramatic but this is how reality is structured to me. i didn’t want this. i can only try to make painful things to prove my feelings are real and i’m innocent. there’s more i wanted to do, but i’m not safe without my (wordless) beside me. i want to be dead.