ruben is my family. i feel like they’re who i was preparing to meet and i feel like i’m still there. i have never experienced this before. i think most people won’t experience this. i see it as an affliction that will follow me through life and forever dampen my potential. i’m not sure why it had to happen to me. i hope that something will come of it. i think love is the cure to depression and a lot of mental issues. i remember feeling like i could do everything, everything was gonna be fine if i could be with them. i felt like i was judgemental of a lot of people and just not accepting. ruben was that way too. and we just were equal. i don’t really understand why people tell me that they’re gonna leave. i don’t understand why they show up in my life to tell me that everything is temporary. i like to see someone i haven’t seen i a while and see that they’re still doing good. i thought we were in a community. i spent a lot of time trying to make myself suitable to belong to that community because i resonated with it. i saw people saying things that i just understood and didn’t feel wrong. i feel like i was artificially extracted from where i belong. ruben was so powerful i felt myself being protected and healed. i know that sounds crazy but it was as real as any other feeling. like as real as if someone suddenly drew a knife on you and started rushing you. i was excited because my potential, everything i always wanted to show, that love and compassion and not disposability was true, felt real. i thought i was finally gonna prove i wasn’t disposable and it was gonna be a quiet revolution. but nothing could be further from the truth. but why? why did they choose power over love? i feel like i became an exercise in power. to see how it felt to truly hurt someone so far because they let you, they trusted you and you thought they deserved it. and i know people have to go through many places on their journey on this earth. i feel like we are two big spirits healing each other through fighting and pain. ruben is my family. more than when i lost my dad, i cried for days and days on end, uncontrollably in public in the park. an outreach worker found me but they couldn’t see me the way someone from the internet could. everything seemed to close after that. the world shut me out. i never meet anyone who’s on my wavelength. but i see similar “me”s in the world, like certain youtubers. but i’m missing. i didn’t get to heal and now they’re all staring at me, wondering why i don’t go to therapy and heal. but that was supposed to be my role. i get healed by love and quietly move into the life i always wanted. why did this happen? i was supposed to be the proof that love is real. ruben was my best friend. i thought they would be there for me to help me heal. but they just treat me like i’m a stranger and block me. i dont understand what i did wrong. it hurts every day. everything i want to do is blocked by this broken heart. all i want to do is cry again but i can’t cry anymore. no one else would understand the reality of what love is. ruben told their friends but i just refrained because i know people dont understand supernatural things. i know that therapy is useless. i have gone to tarot readers and psychics but nothing has given me any particular insight, nothing has unlocked the floodgates and let me either cry or heal. i just want to feel like i’m in love forever again without having to be with them. but instead my heart is burning and full of pain every day. i can have heart attacks from it. i know suicide is wrong and it hurts others but i don’t know what to do with my life. my dreams and place are dead. my home and family is gone. i’m shut out forever from love and enjoyment. i know this sounds dramatic but this is how reality is structured to me. i didn’t want this. i can only try to make painful things to prove my feelings are real and i’m innocent. there’s more i wanted to do, but i’m not safe without my (wordless) beside me. i want to be dead.
did i write this really? damn bitch, you stupid hoe. you cumbrain he drinkin' the cum chalice his feelings are valid i guess
when i look at this, it's so obvious that i lack identity. i can be sad about it but i hate myself. i can't live without being several characters in my brain but last night i had a breakthrough that like. as a living person, i have achieved some modicum (what's a modicum? does it mean a medium amount of something?) of safety and wisdom and experience. but kintsugi is way too confident after spending years having a posting history and being on blogs that they are the wisest people and know exactly what they're looking at and that invalidates my little brain. stop making me be soft, that's not what we do here, i'm the bay area now, we don't transtrend here. everything i do is work, even messing up, but holding back is the worst thing. trying to let people assume innocence in your absence is a bad ruben thing that a person named ruben does and they are the bane of my life and the torture of my existence. bikes here are a necessity because they get you out of an area quickly. you can be so much freer and safer on a bike. bikes are a thing. theyre like the equivalent to winged shoes. i dont feel good, i feel like drained of energy and mauled and just kinda empty and ugly. i have the power to change my mood, all i need is to think positive thoughts and see something good. or just appreciate something. i'm upset and distressed becuase ruben might come out and see me and i feel... emotionally... abused... i've spent too much time trying to contemplate why they seem to lack empathy towards me and its made itself my own problem. now i lack empathy because i tried to empathize with lacking empathy. steven universe morality doesn't work. i've been living that way my whole life and now i have nothing. several worst nightmares all came true and i'm damn stubborn about moving on because i don't think i should have to hide it or be ashamed of having big feelings. i'm proud of my deep feelings because it makes life so rich to me. i'm honestly scared like theres 1. NW- person with a knife getting ready to stab me if i show happiness and recovery without talking about it and being guilty 2. NE - person getting ready to stab me if i claim to have been abused or negatively affected and talk about it 3. E - person getting ready to stab me if i show interest in a new person, am excited to know someone, or am in love 4. SE - person getting ready to stab me for something insane i said or did while i was delusional 5.S - person getting ready to stab me for trying to move into a crowd i was already planning on being in, trying to live in california, be on twitter, be an artist, a queer, talk about gender, be body positive, be healthy 6. SW - people policing the queer community getting ready to stab me for trying to create my own positive community for myself that doesn't exist yet 7. W -like 7 people getting ready to stab me for anything else i can't focus on due to this and catching me by surprise
honestly? horrible. just accept the way my emotions work. i can't adjust to this judgemental frame of mind where we just look at other people like bugs and try to judge them for having emotions. i feel so creeped out, like i dont have the ability to fight it. now that i see whats really going on and how easy it is to be complacent i feel weak. i feel not strong enough. i feel not strong enough with no allies. because im the only one not making excuses for myself and the only one trying to find out how other people act aligns with the truth and what's right, i fooled myself into thinking they do know what's right. they don't. i've been really unsafe this whole time. it's like im a cartoon, im tiger from fievel goes west and i thought i was hugging a cat but it was really a cactus
the only way to find people who truly feel the way i feel is to find out how i truly feel, and say it loud enough that everyone can hear. and then someone has to be brave enough to find me, see me and become friends with me. i have to start over and i have to do it on an adult scale. its phase 2 of having a blog but your blog is the world and meanwhile, i live in an evil empire and someone's gotta fight that this is all stress, its the negative, and the positive is that, i get to be the rebel and be alone, i get to do nothing but create. i dont have to slip around and hide in a vague sense of community with strangers. i have plenty of practice saying exactly what i want and look for to deaf ears. i just need my allies to truly back me up and pick me up after i get knocked down which takes 5 minutes i'm always lviing with me so i have no idea where to start introducing. anyway, im trying to make my resume. i need to make an inner resume with a list of all my inner references and experience
i should make myself into a shitty rotoscoped animation like from the movie waking life... because life is a nightmare and i can't wake up i should record myself doing interpretive dance... about 7 people surrounding me threatening me
i need drugs and to focus on something intense sometimes. i know being safe is important, but i need to get into some scary and harmful mental and emotional states to experience life
i like trust. thats my family name and i dont think dragon really knows what it means to me but thats how vibes be sometimes. Spoiler: some gay vent art it looks like shit and you can't tell whats going on, that is fine because sometimes you just need to draw at all costs and keep drawing because. thats the only thing worth doing. because you need to keep the fucking dream alive.
i put lots of work in front of myself but every time, like a child, its like i need someone to be there to show them for them to be proud of me. in adult life we replace this with money, i straight up fucking don't want to do it and i'd rather die and i have acted consistently to those words.
this is some fucked up headcanons i have internalized based on what i basically have analyzed someone to believe about themselves and accepted as a way to conform to them to try to insinuate my way into their life. w o w i'm fucked up Spoiler: rules ruben rules #1. you're better than other people. it's okay to choose people that are also better than average to be around and avoid all average people. #2. nothing you do can be wrong. nothing you do is ever wrong. #3. you look good. #4. you have a good heart. #5. you're a good person. #6. you're beloved by god. by blood, you are born into a family that is favored by god. everything you do will be covered, you're always safe. #7. anyone you don't like will be smited by god. you're in control of god's power and you can punish people. #8. you can ignore people. everyone can see that you're better than the rest, everyone follows your example. if you ignore someone they're not worth paying attention to. period. #9. if someone is hurt by you, they're evil. they are not worth your protection. #10. it's okay if everyone sees you hurt someone, they won't quesion it because you are a good person.
it would be better if i draw this but theres no real imagery to it its just a series of human poses which is just. too average (see #1)
but at some point i snapped, getting the slightest bit angry that i was being ignored. that made me a worse person because i should have understood why and accepted that there was going to be no help for my situation. i had to accept that, i've never considered that it's unfair. i can't because that would be betraying my loyalty to ruben and i might do even more stuff like go public with the whole thing, and try to get attention for it which will bring disaster, because the only following i have is a hate following and knowing this happened would just invite more abuse. but i also have no source of therapy or help, so i have(?) to do it. this is going to be a lifetime journey because the things involved in this narrative are deeply rooted in this life and i genuinely believe that i'm being punished for not being a pure soul and being quiet and patient like i was supposed to. because i'm impatient and greedy i lost my good path and the only path i have left is to fight the darkness inside me until i find peace
and maybe thats the only path i ever had, love was just a fluke and came out of my being delusional and of not knowing my place because i lacked the perspective to see my own disgrace.
this is from ruben's blog from about a year ago, i think this is how ruben sees me and i realize i can just not look at it and i was asked not to, but that doesn't make it not real
what confuses me is that i don't think i'm a bad person lol, i don't know why ruben sees me this way and i don't believe in black and white morality. i believe that i'm a person that's meant to shake things up in this world, show a contradiction and shock people into contemplating duality. thats why i was born a trans person, why i'm a redhead,why my intentions are so good and higher than most people seem to see potential in , but yet people react to me so badly. but i'm sick because i was badly betrayed so i don't believe that right now.
most times in my life, i want to bring people together and get us to accept differences, love each other and endure a little bit of pain or shock to stay together, because it's worth it to have a cohesive community, be productive, and not to die alone. but this text shows black and white morality, that it was ok for me to stay alone and die suffering because ruben didn't want to help me, talk to me and try to make me understand how they feel. that maybe they did that because inside they felt powerless, so maybe they overcorrected for the opposite reaction and reveled in the power that i was giving them. but i wanted that power to make them feel safe, that i wouldn't try anything sketchy and so they would stay with me.
theres another aspect to this 1. the trans community and the line between truscum and nonbinary. 2. the homestuck fandom and popularity. 3. the coast, midwest and poverty. i was jealous, because i was poor i couldn't participate in the gender discourse simply because where i live is 10 years behind in culture. i felt like i couldn't be part of homestuck fandom because i was truscum, so i never got to fully do what i wanted to do and draw what i wanted. i was always too poor to afford video games or going to cons, the internet was all i had so the coast never really felt real to me. i always had this plan that i would become popular as an artist, gain enough money and move out, but i had to also protect my truscum community because i knew that there are parts of the country that still needed that theory to move forward. it was under duress that i chose to be a truscum, because if i appeared to be a snowflake then i can get raped, and i did get raped. i also couldn't get a job because i was trans, but i did have love for all trans people including nonbinary, just wasn't part of the community ruben is nonbinary, a popular, well-respected person in the community, and offered me the opportunity to visit them. its not like i wanted to just squat in their house but keeping a contact like that could really help me in the future i wanted. i just was dead broke and couldnt afford 100$ or whatever for a plane ticket it was actually in this conversation where i was planning to bring up this subject but instead, i was paranoid and backed out of the situation that's how the situation backfired, now i'm trying to feel the loss and mourn while also having poor impulse control on contacting them, & not wanting to be embarrassed because of 4chan and homestuck stalkers & wanting to keep the situation private its just straight facts here, but if you read between the lines, you can see a fucking tragedy. this involves transphobia and poverty.
i forgot to mention the propaganda againsst truscum, that we deserve to die and don't deserve to be safe also played a key part. i had a strong belief against that disposability, that its more important for us to discuss the reasons why we feel this way or why we have to, to solve those problems by talking about it that by simply shoving trans people under the rug, provoking their anger and dysphoria, and making them kill themselves, and now this situation has fucked me up a little bit. but i still believe truscum activism is important, i just couldn't become the truscum activist i wanted to be and heal the divide in the community. i'll still try to do that but i feel like a key opportunity was missed and instead of speaking all i would have to do was simply be understood and accepted. but i will still try at some point, probably through my art
another point through poverty i internalized the feeling that i was ignorant and my ideas werent worth saying. i went through the feeling that i was poor, ignorant, worthless, pathetic, i deserved everything that was happening to me, and people were laughing, and the person that just accepted me for a minute thought i was evil
