the drama the trauma

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by townghost, May 5, 2020.

  1. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    and ruben told me this one time. i was in the middle of my breakdown and i was posting. i posted like "everyone abandons me lol" and then ruben commented "look at your behavior and you will understand why". but i think ruben didn't have the full picture and i also didn't understand what behavior that they meant. was it posting, deleting, chasing them, or was it trying to commit suicide, doing drugs, going homeless to try to find a new home and replace what they gave me. so you see how they didn't have a full picture of what i was going through. but that comment just stood out to me as "you deserve this" and i internalized it as that. i'm gonna forget i said all of this because i can't actively acknowledge it. it' all replaced by rules #1-#10
     
  2. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    being truscum means being true transsexual scum, so if ou look at the website transsexual.org that's basically what informed me that i was trans. i identify with the word transsexual and when i'm in rural areas that are behind in culture i explain it as having the brain of the opposite sex or being born in the wrong body because people know what snowflakes are and you can get raped. had i been born in the bay area i would have never been truscum but i also wouldn't abuse and mock them and would probably stand up for them because i understand the situation
     
  3. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i was raped... here too, just for not passing, not for any particular behavior... i was also going through a lot and i was new to street life so i made dumb choices. it's not to say that you deserve to get raped, no one does. i just thought that i deserved to get raped because i had to internalize that because i was told it. and to conform to the trans community that i saw online i had to internalize that
     
  4. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    a lot of people on 4chan would probably say im just a dramatic attention whore, and i know that its going to be perceived that way if my old audience catches wind. so i hope someone who is familiar with the situation but sympathetic would like... come and help me rebrand and move forward with whats appropriate.

    i just dont feel safe with most other people besides ruben, because they didn't see the true side of me, they saw the defensive side of me that was fighting a way into the future i wanted. not ruben, who was just a person who is similar to me that i wanted to share my life with.
     
  5. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    ruben was just a person who seemed to be above the situation and comprehend the situation, which is a very rare person in this world... so i wanted to keep them in my life and i was willing to work for a few years, move in with them and center them and possibly even marry them. i had a rough life and it was a huge relief to me that i might escape the situation. and i was very blessed to have even had their attention for a moment because that was what triggered me to start going on the road and actually enabled me to escape my situation. i just feel loss at the loss of ruben
     
  6. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i know ruben is better than me, and does everything right, and that's why they were able to find widespread acceptance and popularity. but i just also feel that they neglected me, knowing where i was, having contact with me, and yet not helping or calling for help and instead trying to shove the situation under the rug. and they also had a family, they had brothers and sisters and a mother and father, and had their own personal car. i know being trans is always hard no matter where and who you are, but things like that can also provide a huge advantage in general health and so i think its not fully fair that they ignored me and judged me for my actions, only responding to me to be cold and curt. i think they never took the situation seriously and never took my life as a human seriously. if someone is in trouble and you can help them you should do something. but they just focused on their own emotional stress from the situation and tried to pawn off responsibility for me
     
  7. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    and called me entitled and manipulative

    a stalker

    a stranger

    i feel like ruben was under a lot of stress at one point but now, at this point i think they don't care and truly feel bitter towards me for doing this.

    and that confuses and hurts me

    i love myself

    and i love ruben

    i would forgive myself and i would forgive ruben for anything

    and i'm really serious about wanting to marry them

    im not gonna force that, but i'm not gonna deny that

    and i dont think i'm pathetic. i think i'm strong

    but i would be stronger with love, or a family
     
  8. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    maybe i'm stupid,and maybe i didn't have to go straight to marriage. but there is really no other way of guaranteeing that a person stays in your life unless they promise, and practice that promise
     
  9. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    besides that, theres all the usual stuff that i wanted to do with them. go on a roadtrip go hiking traveling... sharing ideas and just figuring out the world that we see together as one

    and i want to be the priority because i feel seen and thats extremely rare and takes a lot of time and work to find.

    but maybe i'm stupid
     
  10. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    when people have never lost things or been in a desperate situation, they think it's fine to let opportunities pass by or not take relationships seriously. disposability comes from privilege
     
  11. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i wish what happened to me didn't happen to anyone, but i know it happens all the time. but when it's happening to someone else, it isn't that much of an emotional toll for you to take. it's like 5 cents icky to think of all the people that get abandoned, become homeless and get on drugs. but when it happens to you, it's like 50,000$ in student loan debt
     
  12. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    there's no guarantee that i will still have my freedom, or a home, in 5 years or in 5 months. i am on the internet so i'm gonna post this. it's already been 5 years since i first lost ruben and that plot thread is never gonna continue. everything my life stood for up until that point is gone. i have nothing to lose, no one cares about me, no one understands, and ruben wants to shove me under the rug. so i think it should be okay for me to explore my feelings on the subject through narrative and dramatization, after all ruben will never come back and we will never be together and if they ever loved me back, they don't anymore. it's my only chance at someone once again finding me and understanding me, to take me to a safe place again.
     
  13. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    my full internal life has no place to exist under all the shame they put on me, i fought them and gave them the choice again and again not to hurt me, so now i have to fight through the shame again and tell my story or i'll never be able to put roots down into the past and become my whole self again. my emotional internal experience existed and my history existed, and it's okay and it's fine. even if i'm not perfect and i made ignorant choices, i'm not a fucking rapist, manipulator, stalker, or entitled. i was abandoned and neglected by my family, my community and my friends, and a very special potential friend who i put a lot of trust and respect in. i never had the same choices or chances that everyone makes me out to be. and i still face this internalized class oppression and disposability. if i accept this shame then i'll let myself die just like ruben did, and becoming just like them i'll just abuse and neglect people like they did to me.
     
  14. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i would contact them like... twice a year. not incessantly with messages but like just one big message telling them what ive been going through. that im still loyal to them and waiting for them. every year around their birthday or christmas or new years, or valentines day. i think about them every single day.
     
  15. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    ive never been able to make anyone understand, everyone seems to take it as a normal emotion that they might feel. but i feel so much more than other people feel when they love somebody. this was my whole life. this is something people don't get to see. it's hard to go back to feeling like a normal person after something like that was ignored. especially after being called manipulative and made fun of as if it was drama, its so challenging to try to write or draw something to convey feelings that most people can't feel. i wanted to just share it with one person. its the one thing that convinced me that love is something more than a human emotion

    words really dont cut it and generations of artists fail to convey it

    this is a different life mission than i had before, my life mission before, to bring peace and unity was apparently too easy, i couldn't just have that.

    so many things happened so fast and i'm mixed up

    every day i'm having chest pain and i was prescribed ativan for panic attacks, but i don't know what the chest pain is
    i had a panic attack before but it was sudden, i stopped breathing and couldn't see, i thought i was dying.
    ive heard dying of a broken heart is possible. i might die of a broken heart so it's either die, be in pain, have a low key panic attack for months on end or this i guess.
     
  16. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    mods reading this ensures that someone had to read all this shit.. it kinda helps that like "homestuck people" who might be aware of who this is are reading it because i feel so utterly fucking erased. history erased.
     
  17. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    other than that it's me vs. the world minus all the impressions i had built up about it based on being a teenager from trinidad who wanted to find friends, their family, community or something that may be real or may be just fanfiction
     
  18. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i need to stop posting here but like. im not even close to done . "manipulating" you. trying to make people see and understand what my reality is fucking made of takes a lot
     
  19. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    manipulate

    1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

    im fucking skillful.

    yes, i manipulated everything. you can see my plan.

    i was planning on being happy.

    so insidious, i was planning on showing my community that i fucking belonged there.

    now i have to manipulate you again.
     
  20. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i was thinking about this this morning


    this is how i would explain the reality of the situation

    tucutes, or trenders, whatever you call them, created an environment where they couldn’t admit to having dysphoria out of their own insecurity. because older cool trans people wanted them to be past that, they denied it even to themselves. somehow ruben made it so they were able to express the fact that they have dysphoria, it’s very painful and serious, and be respected and listened to by everyone. that made me extremely jealous... i think. but i don’t really get jealous, i just get admiration crushes... and also the fact that it was an issue so close to my heart. and now it’s all
    gone forever because ruben was ashamed of it. that’s so tragic to me, because i can’t replace that or put it back, or do it over... it’s beautiful when someone makes a breakthrough like that. and i want to make something like that on my own. ruben followed all the rules and didn’t arouse any suspicion and completed my mission instantly and easily. that’s why it felt like protection to be under their wing
     
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