the drama the trauma

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by townghost, May 5, 2020.

  1. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    but yeah, if you tell kids what to do and tell them they’re wrong and bad for acting out and they need to be a certain way to be good that fucks then up for life. so when i see people talking about truscum or transmedicalism i get a little bit irritated.cause it really is an age old battle
  2. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    do you hear me? its crazy how. when i actually speak the truth and say why i feel the way i feel, and it makes total sense, people are totally fucking silent. proves none of you are worth anything
  3. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i fucking looked at them again

    you can be wrong. you can look at someone and love someone, you can share history and relate to each other’s experiences but that doesn’t mean you’re connected or a good candidate to be friends. you can be fucking delusional
  4. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    hi!!! i’m back. trans women are women but women can still fuck up at messaging

    i’m having a terrible ruben day
    i’m genuinely in love and realizing that i’ve never met, touched or talked to my real friend, my first real friend from the internet that i love and want to be with forever is basically just a concept to me. i’ve never touched them, talked to them, learned from them. i’ve never rested with their head on my chest i’ve never heard their voice i’ve never looked at them. and it feels like i’m not whole. like a piece of me is gone forever because it’s just yawning and waiting for the love from ruben and to experience life and grow with trust and love with someone i find interesting and share culture and history with. it’s every poor rural trans kid’s dream to move out with someone who understands them. it sucks frankly and it feels like because there are material practical and social reasons as to why i wanted to work towards moving with them that it invalidates that i love them as a partner or that because i have more than friendship feelings for them it invalidates my friendship because i just wanted love. and sex is not even on the table and i never sexualized them because i would feel too guilty if they were ever afraid. and i feel like if i give my side of the story i’ll be seen as manipulative and abusive and shunned. and i internalized it

    basically i feel gaslighted and sometimes when i dream my subconscious brain unlocks pandora’s box and the guilt disappears and the gaslighting veil lifts and it’s all so real and a tragedy that ruben ran away and never chose to come back. and how deeply i respect them and how ashamed i am of my actions but ruben doesn’t even see it. no one around ruben wants to see it and they don’t listen to me because they have this refrain of me being an abuser. but they’re wrong about me and i had so much to give to the world and so much love to give and so much potential that lost because i didn’t heal. and ruben just peeked once and giving me the support and love to heal and empower me but chose to steal my power and hold it over me.

    i need their love so powerful

    i need to see them

    i need to be held and cry by them

    i need them to come back and never leave again

    i feel erased from history and my world and it’s alright

    but i just want ruben to go with me into this u certain future and at least stay connected to me in some way when i think everug day about how i’m going to die.

    how i was dying and ruben left me alone. just because something on the internet said threatening suicide is an abuse tactic.

    i’m going overboard with this post i just wanted to talk about the material conditions for improving my life

    my name is lukas i am a trans man an artist activist and homestuck fandom and i tried so hard to make myself so many things ruben would never have to think about or interact with again

    because like. ruben says they’re hurting and i respect that. in such a deep and exaggerated way i respect that.

    but i have no voice to my feelings so when i’m hurting it’s like it’s a mystery why i did that. it hurt me because of all these things and i did all just day of erratic behavior because of these reasons. but that’s not good enough? that’s not okay? i’m not allowed to want or ask and be sorry or be sad because it could look fake. it could all be fake.

    but look at me now, i didn’t become a superstar or become rich or yell about trans rights. i just cry and look for ruben but not too hard in case it seems like stalking.

    i’m an abandoned and ostracized person and my every word and movement is criticized

    and i just try to keep on saying the truth and nothing but the truth because that’s how i live. and it seems creepy because i’m just always dramatic and breaking down when i manage to beg for contact

    they’re framing me as tia big creepy sex stalker dude and it makes me feel like absolute shit on top of making me feel like shit for being trans and for being gay and being lonely and being isolated and poor

    ruben did everything i wanted to do... ruben did everything go wanted to do with them with someone else. someone else held ruben who didn’t need it, for whom it was just a luxury. and together they shut me out of the healthy and happy class of trans people because i was excited to get to know someone and came on too strong and i thought my dreams were gonna come true

    like i’m trying to see what other people see but at the same time i have to be angry because if i don’t show some growl they’ll continue until it gets worse. i don’t know how to respond anymore when people say i’m a stalker and creepy, all i ever so is explain my feelings.

    and something so shallow and petty as “sounds unhealthy” was able to destroy my future

    because i made a mistake. i wasn’t taught to act like they do in their culture and i was excited to have a safe space to learn

    they took everything from me

    and i don’t blame them because i never could. i’d love the last piece of meat of their dead body after the zombies ate the world

    i don’t know why. i can’t explain. and i feel like if i can’t explain it just must not be real.

    like i just saw them as my ticket out of poverty or an experiment with gender or a creepy person to have sex with when they weren’t ready. i can’t even think of that. i feared coming off that way so much and i wanted to learn how to mirror their pleasant and inoffensive behavior.

    i judges myself harshly for being a sick percent and a pedophile and a manipulator to the point where i don’t even cross the street until the light turns green. but i still can’t blow up, i can’t be this selfish caricature they need me to be for their story to continue.

    i just don’t understand why.

    ruben said

    look at your behavior and you will understand why [everyone abandons you]

    and i did, hard. i tried.

    but i still hurt

    i got therapy

    i talked to friends

    but i still feel crippled by pain

    i still feel like my life is on hold til i die because when i leave this body then i’ll be closer to ruben.

    i can’t even tell a story or create a fictionalized version of events to explain my heart and vent and self validate because we’re in the same community and ruben said they don’t want to see my art about it

    ruben doesn’t want to know my feelings

    and out of all these rules i follow the only one i can’t follow is not contacting them

    i don’t know what to do

    and it’s not like i’m all innocent in my thoughts, this is my heart speaking. i have jealous and suspicious ya don’t angry thoughts that almost went away when ruben was my friend. i tried to maintain that self for a little while but soon i got frustrated and then i felt guilt for feeling frustrated and angry and then that validated that i was an abuser and i started to hate myself for being a man

    and it’s ALL MY FAULT

    all for just texting weird
    i could have had the most safe, warm, close spaceship to fly away from all of the shit my life has been

    ok. let’s have a laugh.
    say it’s karkat rearming for the doorknob to the new homestuck universe and the door gets fucking destroyed by his own cancer

    i scared ruben because i was too scared of my own behavior scaring ruben

    and then ruben actually believed i was a creep and rapist and treated me like one

    and i believed them and i felt like one even more

    this universe has cancer

    i’m the cancer

    and i’m so fucking unoriginal
    i stopped being interested in science because i didnt want to seem like i was copying ruben disrespectfully
    i stopped my dream of being an artist and my inspiration from their work because ruben said they didn’t want to see my art

    i used to love conversations and thinking and sharing but i completely lost my confidence in knowing things and i lost my fucking ability to remember shit other than the feeling i want back
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2020
  5. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    my voices are saying to my thoughts like
    me: and obviously we don’t talk about sex with a real person especially when they isn’t even there that’s terrible
    voice of like trolls in unison if they were really tiny and far away but loud inside my ear?: almost like DOING DRUGS
  6. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    the shame and regret is intense but when i think of people laughing at my failure or my guilt or my audacity to try put it back together is immobilizing
  7. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    everything i did i wanted it to be in their terms that’s why it ended so early. i was insanely careful about grooming because i was 21 and they were like 19 but probably (voice, 10 aliens through a tin can, practical yet exasperated: probably help you.)

    PROBABLY had more life experience than me

    and i was excited to be with someone who didn’t love stupid edgy shit and porn

    we had taste! culture! interesting discussions! and i felt like well if we had sex maybe i would stop being a hyper sexual mess and learn to have great emotional sex


    but i can’t because i’m karkat
  8. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    when they say it’s the darkest timeline it’s this right here. it’s all because i said “i feel like i raped you” instead of “i don’t have any money, but i would like to visit you”

    this is why trump was elected
    the amazon is burning
    the fascist police state arising and why terfs had a comeback

    it’s all because i was a crackhead and a stoner and now i’m just a pill head and i’m gonna die alone just in the hotel california instead of a ghost town
  9. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i didn’t smoke crack. i just meant it in that i do erratic behavior
  10. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i’m just so lost and i have too much psychic power now that i dbsasf know how to use and someone else is fucking ruben and ruben detransitioned because i am a man and i made them think men are shit and the person they are with is going to arrest me. and we keep crashing into the same cities and communities because we are two similar people who would make good friends. and i can’t ever see their face or hear their voice because i an going to have a restraining order

    voices: go be creative in oakland

    but it’s so fucking pointless. i missed my life and just like everyone always said, nobody cares about my feelings.

    i don’t get to rest. i dont get to know i’m safe. i don’t get to feel the true power of love

    i really don’t have any parricular plans surrounding sex or gender. i wasn’t even particularly attracted to their body or face but it just seemed appropriate to communicate that i’m drawn to them in a deep way by saying “i am attracted to you”

    foot in mouth karkat ass failure
  11. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    negativity. it’s hurtful to think about but validating to see outside of your head. we all have consensus reality. i have to prove that my feelings are sincere or else i’ll be accused of
    manipulation and shunned.

    i just

    woke up

    hungry and lost and empty

    happy 26th moody
  12. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    negativity stop. i need to stop it but i can’t be laughed at it minimizes

    but it’s the only way to avoid it or else ruben would feel the same way and it means i get to disappear
  13. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    dude. just love me. what the fuck

    you got close to me and showed me your body and said you loved and wanted to cuddle with me and i can come over. granted i asked to see your body. and i encouraged you to say i love you and most likely you played asexual to make me orgasm denial lust

    it didn’t work, i freaked the fuck out
  14. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i was a fucking idiot at 21 and 22 and i was doing drugs and stupid and crazy shit and it’s no wonder nobody wanted to date me towards marriage

    but it’s the journey you know
  15. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i was doing things

    we were gonna be in some spotlight and prove that truscum and nonbinary can love each other and then we would disappear and go for a road trip and learn how powerful and free we are, and ruben would be free from their oppressive parents and religion

    then i would proceed to go back on the streets and working hard to get a room and ruben would live in their car and eventually we would get an apartment

    in san francisco

    you see how stupid i am
  16. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    or i would just meet up with them briefly while they do their own thing. i would sleep in the car with ruben in the front seat. as much distance as they want because i was a dumbass and convinced that they weren’t horny despite drawing porn constantly

    i literally didn’t think about sex
  17. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    or they would transfer to a school closer to me, i would go to school and get some kind of degree, possibly get a job and work and we would eventually move in together

    i can be less stupid and dramatic
  18. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    or i would find out that i am too disabled to work, live off of disability while ruben works, i eventually build a home business and the. we have enough income to move in together
  19. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    and we could live anywhere that’s the point of the road trip we can figure out where we wanna move to
  20. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    but the west coast is best coast and i would only ever settle in like boulder colorado after i’ve raged it out made money and had my fun

    which i guess i have, it’s definitely not fun anymore and i’m tired of feeling like i’m gonna get stalked or killed

    i’m not a fucking STALKER i know the person and we were close. they just lied and fucked me up. i’m passionate about changing the way we look at relationships so we stop losing each other and no one gets left behind. and especially for people like me to have a safety net, family, a village. i wanted it to be us together the symbol of love but i guess it just has to be me alone! i have to speak the language of the people who didn’t have intense physic revelations about reality

    but i guess it just me the homestuck homesick homeless hoe with depression who didn’t get accepted into the community
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