@littlemissCodeless I am/used to be where you are at my advice is talk to people. If you don't have anyone to talk to irl you can post on support forums like this one or write in a diary provided you aren't living with anyone who would violate your boundaries and read it without your permission. I know it sounds cheesy but venting to someone is actually really helpful.
^Thanks, I have a diary/sketchbook type thing, and it helps, but sometimes I´m afraid one day it won´t be enough. Fun fucked up question: is cutting myself for blood to use in art projects count as self harm?
@littlemissCodeless I wouldn't consider it self-harm exactly, since it's not coming from the same source, but I still wouldn't advise it. (I've considered doing the same and I think it just gets you used to the action of hurting yourself)
@littlemissCodeless Grats for being aware of the not starting thing--thats a big step right there. And yeah, quitting sucks a lot, so. I know 'therapy' is kind of a stock answer to a lot of things here but i think specifically talk therapy would be useful to you wrt people seeing you have problems. Your school may have a councilor you can talk to, if you're in college, or the psych/theology schools may have resources. Otherwise idk but we can probably help you find access to someone if that wiild help. Even just a friend in the meantime though, someone who you can say 'my depression is really bad, i feel xyz" and they'll listen and acknowledge thats a real thing. Also, if its a visual and not a tactile thing, when i was quitting i had some luck painting big red lines or elaborate bodypaint-wounds on myself. Red sharpies are awesome for this. The other part you'll probably need to hash out with an actual qualified therapist, thats out of my league to help with :( Good luck!
Thanks. One of the big problems of my brainwierd is that it makes seeing therapists pretty much impossible. I tried and failed to see the universities psych people once, haven´t had the can to try again. I used to draw a thing on my wrist but it stopped meaning anything so it doesn´t work anymore. Thing: i appreciate the advice I being given, if it doesn´t come across properly because brainwierd, I´m sorry but here you know.
I don't cut but I do skinpick, mostly squeezing the tiny wee spots that cover my arms and then relentlessly picking off the scabs that subsequently appear. It tends to come and go in waves. I don't know if that counts but I've been doing it a lot recently and I'm sort of tired of ending up with at least one or two big ol' infected craters.
I'm not sure if this properly counts, but I usually view my eating disorder as a form of self-harm, because it was definitely having a serious negative impact on my physical and Psychological health. Why did you do it? I've always had very low self-esteem and self-image. One day I'd been eating a lot, and I felt disgusting. I was worried I'd gain weight and not be able to fit into my pants, so I decided to try making myself throw up. It worked, and I felt really powerful. I was in control of something. I could fix the things I didn't like. Over time, it developed into this whole mentality of 'I'm not pretty, but I can be thin, and that's good enough!' weirdly, I didn't think I looked good when I reached the lowest weight I ever achieved. I looked really sick and the proportions of my body were weird. But I kept thinking 'Other people will like me like this. I can be beautiful and desirable and worthwhile if I keep this up.' Have you stopped and if so, what made you stop? I have. I'm healthy (slightly overweight but it's not effecting my health, so I'm okay) and feel better now. What made me stop was that I was so tired of the constant pain (which was probably stress-related, but my eating disorder was causing the stress, so) and I hated how weak and worn out I always was. I had a stomach ache for about 2-2 1/2 years and I was sick of it. I didn't want to live like that anymore. Do you regret it? My terrible teeth sure do! But on a serious note, no, not really. I regret the physical harm it did to me, but otherwise I see it as a learning experience. I became more resilient because of it. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? I don't want to relapse. Eating disorders have an extremely high rate of relapsing, and I just really want to avoid that. I've learned to catch myself when I start getting too weird in my eating though - eat something with sugar, drink something, eat something I wanna eat instead of not doing it because I 'shouldn't'. It's a process, though. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? It's good to have someone check me every now and again. Things like 'you really haven't eaten much lately; are you okay?' or 'It's okay, you can eat that' actually help a lot.
I started cutting as a teenager but stopped after a while. However I've always hit/banged my head and skin picked and both of those I still do. Why do you do it? - I used to cut because it was a way for me to deal with depression, anxiety, and near-constant abuse from my family and my significant other at the time. It was also in a way a cry for help I think.. I needed some sort of adult in my life to take care of me and get me the help I needed. That never happened. When my cutting was discovered my mother reacted by constant guilt tripping and passive aggression, putting more razors in my room and telling me to just kill myself and get it over with. My scars are still held against me and treated derisively by my family to this day. I no longer cut, but I still hit myself. With that, I just get so angry at myself over how much I'm fucking up and am terrible, and feel like there is absolutely nothing else I can do other than it. It's at least a slight release/relief from my self hatred and self anger. Sometimes I don't even really realize I'm starting to do it though, it feels like my brain just spasms/glitches and I start hitting myself. Possibly related to autism and overloads as well. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? - I've stopped cutting and haven't for about 8 years at this point? But I still scratch and pick my skin, and hit my head. I stopped cutting just because it just wasn't doing anything for me anymore, and very rarely made me feel better at all. I still occasionally get urges, but I have an easy time shrugging them off now, because I know that it will do nothing for me. Do you regret it? - I don't know really. I regret the self injury I do nowadays, because I know it makes my girlfriend upset, and I know it's not a good thing to do. I'm not sure about the cutting I used to do though. It didn't get me the things I wanted and needed. It was ultimately pointless. But if I hadn't done it, would I have done something worse? I don't know. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? - It'd be great to feel like I have more options when I'm overwhelmed so I have a way out of hurting myself. I have no clue what to do about it other than potentially get therapy though.
I ended up picking off my little toenails again over the past couple of days :( I'm literally peeling chunks off my scalp as I'm sat here, too. Got an infection from picking the skin along my fingernails. Bluh.
@ZeroEsper Theoretically I have health insurance through my partner and I could go to therapy, it's just a question of not really being able to get myself to make the appointments. I'm really bad on the phone, and I hate having to inconvenience my partner to have to take me places (one car, can't drive). I have a lot of things I really need to make appointments for other than therapy at this point as well so that makes making appointments harder.
Ah, I see. It's probably worth looking in to at this point. You can always consider it couple-bonding time because you'll be in the car together to hang out!
Why do you do it? I'm not really sure, but picking seems to be a stimming behaviour for me. I tend to do it in the evening, or at night when I can't sleep. In some ways it's become part of a routine, in others, I feel like it's tied to relaxation. Sometimes it gets worse with anxiety. Every few years it relapses into hair pulling as well. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? I usually stop the hair pulling by being very conscious of what my hands are doing or shaving my head and/or wearing lots of hats and wigs. I've never really been able to leave my skin alone though. Do you regret it? Yeah. I mean, I make an awesome baldy, but the actual act of harming myself is Not Cool. Also Being covered in scars and scabs and little red bumps to the point where I'm too self conscious to wear anything but long sleeves is tough. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? I'd like to stop. I'd like to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Like honestly, if I knew I could stop, and could afford it, I'd like to have something done about my scars. But I'm afraid it'd do no good because I'd just ruin my skin again. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? Yes to both.
Anyone have advice on skin picking btw? I've dug great red channels into my scalp, and every time they scab over the texture is irresistible.
@KathyGaele I kinda do the picking thing. I usually try to switch between picking subjects to keep damage minimal(nails, toes, skin, face, scalp). Also I recently had some skin things that I kept on making worse, so I put on some anti-biotics(I kinda slathered the whole area) as a textural reminder that I shouldn't mess with that area. Mine's a sort of fidgety anxious thing, so just having something in my hands to mess with usually helps. I'm usually not very aware of it most of the time, so trying to stop once I've already created something texturally displeasing is pretty hard(thus the texture reminder).
I wish I knew for picking :( I only really pick at my face or any spots/pimples that show up. The only thing that really helps me is that my girlfriend learned how to use a blemish extractor from somebody and will often just use that for me on any pimples/blackheads that I get. Once she does that for me I don't really have an urge to pick at the spots anymore because they're cleared out and don't end up with a scab.
I discovered a few days ago sorta involuntarily that gnawing on my finger is an excellent stress reliever. :/ I'm unsure if this is a stimming thing but either way having something to fidget with seems to help.
Why do you do it? My brain thinks it will help relieve the pressure maybe? Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? I mostly stopped - brain damage is a clue that banging your head on things is a bad idea. Family and coworkers stop me when they see me do it and give me my stress ball. Do you regret it? Yup. It would be nice to have the little self-control I used to have as opposed to the none I have now. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? Not doing it. Yup - have 24/7 supervision. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? Yes to both. I do have the help now.
skin-picking, pulling out my body hair with tweezers, biting my cuticles off, etc. Why do you do it? overload and sensory issues. when the world is chaos and nonsense from too much input, pain is a simple, clear beacon i can focus on. it's like finding a steady landmark to stumble toward when you're drunk. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? nope. i don't always do it, but that's more about whether i get overloaded than about trying to quit. the times when i find myself doing it are the times i'm least able to control my behavior; my meltdowns might be extremely quiet and private now because i'm middle-aged and have my own space, but they're still meltdowns. Do you regret it? i dislike having sore, bleeding fingers all the time. it's fun letting seebs paint my nails and i can't do that when my cuticles are hamburger. also, i've got permanently freaky-looking thumbnails from my nailbeds getting infected. so yeah, i regret that. picking arm and leg dots or tweezing my leg hairs isn't a big deal to me, though. i mean, yeah, i'm causing myself pain, but it's not going to escalate and land me in the hospital or anything. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? i would like to be able to leave my fingers alone. i really have my plate full with other changes in my life, though, so i think trying to work on that too would set me up to fail. once i've got some willpower to spare, maybe. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? not sure the difference between this and the previous q, feel like i'm missing something. anyhow, like i said, i want to stop the finger thing, and eventually i will, but it's not my priority right now. i probably need 'help' in the sense of getting friends and/or spouse to cooperate with offering me an alternative stim if they see me picking/biting my fingers. but i need to be in charge of it or it won't work.
Why do you do it? Compulsion. I pick at everything. My nails right now are shorter than they've ever been and my nailbeds hurt because I didn't feel "clean" with my fingernails touching the surfaces of things. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? I don't even remember when I started. I stopped the really obvious go-out-of-my-way stuff, but for the picking and nail cutting, I've always done it. I wasn't trusted to cut my own nails when I was a child? I guess this is why. Do you regret it? Yes. I feel unsightly and ugly because my skin is already bad and there's no reason for me to make it worse. What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? I want my skin to just be better in general. Then I feel like I wouldn't be compelled to do it. Maybe meds would help. I don't know. Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? I want to stop, but as long as I have "bad" skin I "can't." In the meantime, I'm probably just making things worse. Help would probably be both dermatological and brain rewiring.
