The Fabulous Self-Mutilation Megathread

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Vast Derp, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. chthonicfatigue

    chthonicfatigue Bitten by a radioactive trickster god

    I started with trichotillomania as a kid (about 7 or 8, I think?) and started cutting at 13. I still have skin-picking habits but it's more fidgety distraction than desire to hurt. Also eating disordered,recovering.

    Why do you do it?

    Redirecting feelings of anger, isolation and shame. I did a lot of work to tamp down a terrible hair-trigger temper and behaviours which people told me were inappropriate. I just turned those feelings inwards and the frustration was expressed through self-harm. I was convinced the repetitive actions of self-harm and successful hiding of damage done made me a better person, and when I eventually tried to get help (in the Nineties) I was dismissed as simply following a trend. Which led to more feelings of shame and more self-harm except now I hated myself for it because I was also a 'faker'.

    Have you stopped if so, what made you stop?
    Yes. I know consciously that cutting doesn't help me now, and I no longer restrict food. I acknowledge my worst urges and try not to act on them. I still get occasional urges for both but class them as intrusive thoughts.

    Do you regret it?
    It was the best coping mechanism I had at the time and I could be in a much worse place without it - but at the same time, it made people think I was some kind of stone-faced stoic because all my reactions went elsewhere, where no-one could see, and that has hurt me since. So I do and don't.
     
  2. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    doing the wait 10 minutes thing doesn't reduce the urge to cut myself, I've been doing that for an hour plus and feel the same as when I started. distraction stuff is just a thin layer over the top of the shitty stuff. if I hurt myself at least that'd go away, instead of stagnating in awful feelings and pretending that not cutting was some wonderful achievement to make up for it. probably just going to go for it
     
  3. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    @Lambda sometimes you have to work on fixing the shitty situation before you can address your coping mechanisms. Is there anyone you can talk to? Not necessarily about the cutting, just in general.
     
  4. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    I miss having control over my life and a goal that wasn't terrifying and impossible. if I hurt myself or not, it's a choice and it's not other people hurting me. there's always going to be more and more obstacles between me and therapy and I can't stay in my parents fucking house when they can't afford me and want me to be a real person who can work but if I go outside someone is going to hurt or kill me. arguably if I stay put, someone will break in, then kill me. I don't know why having this headache makes me want to add more hurt, but stingy leg pain is better than dull head pain

    also, financial problems.



    edit for: that was a very long and unnecessary way to say that I don't have anyone to talk to and have difficulty fixing the situation
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2015
  5. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    I wish I had useful advice here, but I really don't. Is a hug acceptable instead?
     
  6. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    @prismaticvoid A hug is fine, even though I think I've semi-recovered after sleeping? I keep going off the rails these days, it's a mess.
     
  7. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    Sleep does tend to help. It's just hard getting there sometimes. :/
     
  8. Ipuntya

    Ipuntya return of eggplant

    Why do you do it?
    the guilt i feel over my past mistakes and shortcomings make me feel the need to punish myself.

    also sometimes when i'm feeling particularly dysphoric
    i will violently tear at my body hair, especially public hair, because the hair makes me feel very dysphoric and i hate it so much

    Have you stopped if so, what made you stop?
    no, i can't.

    Do you regret it?
    i'm not sure. i don't know anymore

    What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it?
    i need to make the guilt go away and see some sort of professional help about it, but i don't know how to lessen the guilt any other way, and i can't seek help or allow my family to find out about the self-harm or my home situation will take a nasty turn

    Do you want to stop?
    i'm conflicted

    Do you feel like you need help?
    definitely, buy i can't safely see a therapist, so its impossible
     
  9. BPD anon

    BPD anon Here I sit, broken hearted

    Last night I lit a couple of paper towels on fire and put them out on my skin a few times. Is that enough? Am I good enough now? I want to be good enough. I don't want my self harm to be tiny and laughable because that means my emotions aren't real.
     
  10. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    Your emotions are real. The size of your injuries doesn't dictate how valid your problems are. I still wish I could have stopped before I started doing anything that left scars.
    (That said, I think this thought process happens a lot with self-harmers, so you're definitely not alone in that respect. It is, however, untrue.)
     
  11. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    I had my first experience with self-harm yesterday, minor but surreal.

    I've been off my meds for depression and anxiety for close to a month now, and slowly sinking further into despair and numbness. I looked and saw I had one more pill left, and since today I'm picking up new ones, I thought I'd get a head start on getting back on track. Sometimes starting a dose of certain brain pills can, temporarily, beef up your will to do things...while not yet fixing the anxiety and sadness. People are cautioned to have someone look out for them when they start medication, because sometimes that manic feeling is just enough to give someone the energy to kill themselves.

    Maybe it wasn't the pill, maybe it was just my anxiety and self-loathing blowing up because of my guilt at not taking my meds and my frustration over my brain self-sabotaging at every chance it gets. Either way, everything I felt seemed enhanced by 100. Adrenaline was coursing through me as I tried to stop crying, gnashing my teeth, pacing, and it hurt to feel like this. I wanted it to stop. By any means possible.

    First I put my hands under cold water in the faucet, but standing still made me feel more panicked and desperate. So then I grabbed a half empty bag of frozen corn and just crumpled it in my hands as I paced. The crunching feeling under my hands was nice, but the cold wasn't doing anything, it wasn't distracting me. I took a toothpick and started jabbing the back of my hand with it, and that helped a little, but then I remembered we have safetypins.

    I spent about five minutes, ruthlessly driving in the end of a pin into the palm and fingertips of my left hand until the pain was sharp enough that everything else could just....stop. Fortunately I didn't need to go deep to get the pain I apparently wanted, and no blood was drawn. My hand feels a little numb and raw today, though.

    I'm 31 and never self-harmed before. shit, I'm not even sure this counts. It scares me that the idea came to my head, and it scares me that it worked. I told my husband and promised not to do it again, and I can only hope that once I'm back on the pill wagon, I can keep that promise. I worry him enough as it is.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
  12. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Leatherworking is REALLY GOOD for hitting a lot if the same sensory things as self harm for me. Cutting pieces out, punching holes for sewing/lacing, scratching tooling lines. Its hella satisfying, and i would strongly recommend anyone who can afford it consider trying it out at least once if they're looking for alternative copes.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
    • Like x 2
  13. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    @Ruevian ouch, honey :( FWIW that definitely "counts" or whatever, and I'm really sorry it happened.
    That is kinda the problem with self-harm, it's at its heart a coping mechanism. Not a healthy one, but it's usually something people do to feel better and generally, if briefly, it does help. Seconding the leatherworking/crafting suggestion, if it's partially a sensory thing for you finding something that feels similar but doesn't involve hurting yourself is a good start.
     
    • Like x 2
  14. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Thank you. I don't know why I did it or why I thought I had no choice, but...yeah.

    The feeling of the frozen corn crumpling and breaking apart and crunching in my hands was pretty nice, so I can see how crafting could help. If I ever get the urge again, I'll go knead the fuck outta some polymer clay.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    Yessss do it. Make yourself some cute dorky jewelry or something.
    Edit: or bread?
     
    • Like x 2
  16. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    just a string of purple penises. Avant garde!
     
    • Like x 2
  17. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    Why do you do it?
    -In the past, it was generally a cry for help sort of deal; i knew something was really really wrong, but no one else did, and i had no idea how to communicate but i noticed that other kids my age got taken seriously once self harm entered the picture, so i gave it a try, and it ended up turning into an actual cope. these days im pretty sure no one knows im still doing it, and it happens rarely out of sadness, sometimes as stress relief, and often as a result of self-loathing and feeling like i need to punish myself. sometimes it happens when i'm dysphoric and i kinda want to say 'fuck you body for being wrong, this is what you get'.

    Have you stopped if so, what made you stop?
    -I stopped for maybe two years at one point, and i thought it was over with, but nope, still happening.

    Do you regret it?
    -not really. i have sort of an objective knowledge that it's not a good thing to do, but i can't make myself feel guilty for doing it at all.

    What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it?
    -my goal is less to stop cutting and more to get help regarding all the brain shit thats making me want to cut. meds and therapist would probably help with that, but those arent very easy things for me to get right now.

    Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help?

    -again, there's a divide between what i want versus logic. i feel that it's not a good thing to be doing, and i feel like i need help in general, but the self harming in and of itself doesnt generally bother me, if that make sense.
     
  18. Missfortunate

    Missfortunate Emotional one

    (Dunno how to bold things...but here goes)
    Why do you do it?
    I get overwhelmed emotionaly and cant deal otherwise, there are times when i feel inadequate or feel that im noticeably less capable than those around me, and that stems from my mental stuff, like ADD Dyslexia I cant do numbers its really hard for me to focus on important things and I sometimes cant shake the feeling that people im around simply put up with me but dont want me around...but whenever i get the urge it just feels like a really good idea yknow? This will help me this is like a medicines but I tend to want to cut most when my PTSD is overactive i guess, more episodes than usual in a month that kind of thing

    Have you stoped if so, what made you stop?
    I have not outright cut for awhile the last time i blatantly cut myself i was...19 i think? And my S/O was upset, and has mostly helped me controll myself yknow? Im not sure he knows it though whenever i get stromg enough urgers i bite my lip alot so ive got a few scars on my lower lip

    Do you regret it?
    No I dont...its how I coped for a long time and im not really sure its gone...i have the urge to quite alot especialy latelely

    What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achiev it?
    Im not really sure what my goal is? I guess to stop myself from full on cutting again...its hard but I do the best i can.
    I dont really know how to keep myself from cutting other than to bit my lip when the urge comes..

    Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help?
    I think I do its just hard to beat back the urge and I worry ill relapse so i guess help might be nice
     
  19. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    So, I scratch at myself (head and arms, mostly, but sometimes chest during dysphoric freakouts), burn myself (with matches on my stomach, with hot pans and silverware on my arms), and does hitting my head on things count? Cause sometimes I do that. And i'm not sure if this goes here, but I pull out my eyebrows/eyelashes.
    Why do you do it?
    To wake myself up, I guess. When I feel all floaty and freaked out, a jolt of OUCH gets me back to my head. The head scratching is just a weird tic or something, like twirling my hair or tapping my fingers but more ouchy. It happens MORE when I get freaked out, but I'm always lowkey picking at my head or face or back or something.
    The chest scratching is HOLY SHIT GET THESE OFF ME THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE GET 'EM OFF
    the headwhacking thing, id-fucking-k. The pulling hair out thing is stress, I think.
    Have you stopped if so, what made you stop?
    nope, haven't stopped.

    Do you regret it?
    no. aside from the time I fucked my head up super bad and was wincing when I washed my hair, the only thing I regret was the time in high school a girl I knew found out and reported me to the guidance counselor. I did some first-class lying and got out of it, but still. That was scary.

    What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it?
    I don't know. I don't know. ugh.

    Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help?
    yeah, I guess. gods I need some help, but I probably can't get it while I live with my mom. and if she finds out I'm self harming she'll either deny it or flip out at me.
     
    • Like x 1
  20. i stopped cutting about four years back. it was getting increasingly untenable, and therapy and meds do wonders

    #welp
     
    • Like x 1
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