I would miss you a whole bunch! you're like super compassionate and that's really cool. (also blue hair selfies!)
I would definitly miss you! D: I want to actually meet you irl at some point (if you are okay with that of course!)
i "relapsed" (is it relapsing when you haven't really stopped) Spoiler the drain hose got disconnected from the washing machine and i had a huge boil/bubble/rash/thing on my face and my mom was on the phone with my dad and i picked it and picked it and picked it until blood ran down my fucking face and mom noticed and i had to admit that i had a moment of weakness and she was so disappointed i'm usually not that bad, i can just keep an eye on it and wait, but this one, i knew i was stressed and i knew if i looked in the mirror i would do it and i did it anyway because i'm a stupid fuck also i got triggered hardcore by a discussion in the yand thread about "alternatives to cutting" and someone mentioned plucking and i was just like haha that's how i self injure so to calm myself before i went to bed i dug into my legs with a tweezer and trimmed my toenails so hard they bled and i'm limping because it hurts so bad does that look like an alternative to cutting to you is that real enough to you to constitute self injury am i pretty yet
@pixels I'm really sorry. imo, if it's self harm for you then it's definitely not an alternative to it, of course, but it might be one for other people. but if you use it to self injure it's definitely 'real enough' to be self harm. are you okay?
physically: i have bandaids and polysporin (an antibacterial gel that i'm not allergic to!). my toes are constantly in varying states of fucked up and at this point i need minor surgery and a podiatrist to fix them. mentally if 5/10 is neutral i'm around a 3. not horrible but not the best. i'll feel better by monday when i can get Back On A Schedule. i'm just mad because with how smart i am you'd think i'd know not to do this shit
bandaids and antibacterial gel you are not allergic to is good. I am sorry about your toes, that sounds sucky and not fun. I get feeling better being on a schedule. I'm sorry you're not doing great though. and smarts has nothing to do with it, ya know? like, I consider myself a p smart person, and yet I still go through with terrible decisions and self-harming because god knows why, even though I know it'll disappoint people and be bad in the long run. sometimes we just can't help doing certain things, in a weird way, if that makes any sense to you. I hope it does.
I relapsed today...im not even sure i feel bad about it...ive got a bit of a blood fettish and enjoyed it...
I got a suggestion from Seebs which I just tried out. Being absolutely fuming with rage and self-loathing, instead of going for something to cut with or ripping up my scalp, I stuck a teaspoon of my mum's homemade haberno hot sauce in my mouth instead Instant relief from self-harm urge, on going sting pain, no actual damage.
Hmmm....i wonder if we have something spicy here....Im totaly lihtweight on spice so that might actualy work...thank you :)
Why do you do it? - Stress, flare ups from my BPD that leave me literally unable to cope. Being so isolated and not having a way out. For disordered eating, it's because my weight has kept medical doctors from taking me seriously for years till my recent diagnoses finally came through and constantly having it held over my head even growing up. I've got no sense of 'normal' weight for myself aside from knowing the current me is nowhere near what I want. Attempted purging but wasn't able to, and restricting only goes so far till my husband steps in and makes me eat. Have you stopped if so, what made you stop? -Nope. I struggle not to, but when my brain decides to pull a 180 I sink and hit rock bottom at the speed of light and my actions are screwed. My husband has been A+ at recognizing tells sometimes and stopping the worst of it. Do you regret it? -Is it bad to admit I only regret being caught, because no professional ever hit on it even when it was overtly active and I was begging for help and the only thing being caught did for me was get me in trouble? Or that it didn't work how I wanted? What is your goal regarding self-harm? Do you know how to achieve it? -To stop eventually, and not need that as a coping method or a solution anymore. I want it to be self limiting. current self-injurers: Do you want to stop? Do you feel like you need help? It'd be nice to never need it again, but I don't know if I can handle seeking help for it right now. There's no access to any for the time being.
Yeah relapsed a few times last week after almost six months but for they first time it didn't 'help' if that makes sense. My brain didn't reboot, I didn't feel anything until much later and then it was feeling worse. Spoiler: Cut i was also sort of disturbed that I felt sort of disappointed I didn't draw blood, when not drawing blood was also a goal and why I use scissors.
Spoiler: . I really wish I could just die. I even have the means for it and no one would even think to come upstairs for like 11 hours. But of course, coward, worried it wouldn't work, etc. idk why the fact that they're my meds suddenly makes this a possibility- there's basically a tiny pharmacy in the house with all the crap parents have to take, and I'm sure some or some combination of those would do the trick. But ig because that's their's and taking their's would just be another inconvenience to them.
Spoiler: WEIRD GUILT AHEAD I always see people talking about how long it's been since they last hurt themselves. A frequent problem with my shitty memory is I can't keep track of dates-birthdays, anniversaries, and...when I last cut. I have a rough estimate but I don't know. Am I weird for not keeping track? Is that a thing you're supposed to do? I know it's a thing with addiction and it helps some people but I don't know if I'd be better off knowing exactly how long it's been. I don't know why I feel guilty about not remembering, but it doesn't go away.
Same, @prismaticvoid. I don't keep track of things like that. Feels like it would just feed the compulsion.
