haha so i never actually talk about my own self harm because i don't do it OFTEN enough in a form i call "bad enough to be noticed" well last night i actually DID do it in a way bad enough to be noticed. Spoiler: bullshit self harm problems So usually my go to self harm thing is picking at zits or scabs. Not too bad, usually very little blood or issue. Last night I found a needle tool for ceramics in the drawer in my bedroom. I was like "oh hey this is a thing". The skin on the top of my left wrist, and almost halfway up my lower left arm is just... tore up. sore. scratched. not a lot of blood but it's red raised welts. I was gleefully liveblogging it to kel last night and that's pretty fucked up of me and i know it is. i even send him pictures and i'm like "why am i doing this to him. he didn't deserve this" there wasn't much blood at least, but it's still sore and stinging even this morning/afternoon. I look like I got viciously attacked by cats. I hope it doesn't get infected. I lied to kel about giving the tool to someone to hide because I feel like I want it around and that's stupid.
Doesn't necessarily mean infection, just inflamed and worth keeping an eye on. See if ibuprofen helps. <3
Spoiler: mostly anxiety nonsense my friend's coming back to town for the holidays! I get to see her for the first time in months! so why is my primary thought that I'll need to cut so that I can handle seeing her? we'll be hanging out in public, probably, so I guess it's social anxiety about being around people after I've been a shut-in for ages, but it's getting weirdly specific like Spoiler: extra spoiler for specific SI talk "I should definitely cut on my forearms, so I'll have easily accessible cuts/scabs to look and pick at", and "maybe I should bring something with me in case I need to hurt myself discreetly while we're hanging out" why do I need to hurt myself to be with my best friend?? this is the worst
Figured out how to remove heavy, calcified scar tissue while picking the other day. Not sure if that's a good thing. I just really need to leave my skin alone.
That feel when you self harm for the first time in months I'm not even sure why tbh E: I always have this weird balancing act between wanting myself to be more fucked up and the way pain tends to drain my impetus to do more, I guess that's the point though, to kind of drain myself so I'm not so tightly wound idk
Can we just wipe yesterday off the calendar? It sucked and I relapsed before the worst of it even happened
does dermatillomania count as SH? because I kind of do that every day and it sucks lmao Spoiler i pick at my scalp literally, like i said, every day, with just my fingers so its not like I can hide those. i pick at zits and have been known to get really absorbed in plucking my leg hair sometimes. and its like, ugh i dont have to do it? but its really easy to get stuck in a patch of executive-dysfunction related inertia and just keep going. reading back a few posts about how hot = bad, uhhh oops i'm glad i didnt fuck up my arm by scratching the hell out of it a few months ago. thaaat was from being frustrated with myself, I forget what about. i kind of need some better coping methods for the next timw i get that upset? anyway, i would very much like to quit picking but lol it's muscle memory. I have a tangle which i find very good for keeping my hand(s) occupied except when i forget about it or put it down so i can actually use my hands for something like eating, then its like "oh hey free hand, time to pick"
I used to have a friend with trichitillomania who asked the same thing. :P I think it depends on a lot of things, but in your case it sounds like excess energy from anxiety or something. Getting a stim toy is a really good idea, maybe try a wearable one so you don't set it down?
Spoiler: Stress, anxiety, scratching and food. All the moving stress is already making havoc with my body and my mood, but having to go through all my clothes is.. very upsetting. When I moved here I fit size 18 jeans. Far larger than I wanted to be in, but.. What can I do with all my damn problems on top of at the time literally having to live off fast food and unhealthy junk because availability and not being able to access any form of a kitchen. Now I fit a 20, and only have two sets of pants, and half my clothes don't fit because I never wear them or go anywhere anyway because half the time I'm bedbound. Now my friend is on skype telling me about how much weight she's lost going completely carb free and how happy she is and how fantastically EASY it all is and with all that happening I'm just repeatedly raking my nails on the back of my forearm because it's all I can do or get away with without my husband freaking out and getting scared and worried or calling me out on it because it doesn't break the surface of the skin. I've got disordered eating despite being overweight, but j f c between the stress and this, I'm wanting to restrict. A lot. But I can't. I get sick if I try, but then all we've got on hand is HOORAY MORE JUNK BECAUSE WE'RE MOVING SO SOON and I've got no energy because of health problems compounded even worse with all the packing now and it's this awful cycle of scratching myself raw and trying to put off eating as long as I can or messing up and shoving things in my face because I stopped caring about everything, and all I want to do is just rip my damn arms and abdomen apart but I CAN'T and this shouldn't be so upsetting but it is and I hate it. I just... I needed that out. I don't even know anymore, really. I just don't know. And it sucks.
I hate my self harm scars because I mean not only do I have a bunch of obvious scars across the my arm but like they're not even your proper classic self harm scars. They're all short and stunted like I didn't have the guts to do it properly, so the whole world knows that not only have I self harmed but that I didn't even have the balls to self harm properly.
@BlackholeKG Your scars are battle scars and proof you're alive. I'm proud of you for this survival thing, and I don't even know you. Because hitting that point and coming back is some of the hardest shit in the world to do, but there you are, able to tell the tale. You are metal as fuck for surviving everything that's been thrown at you thus far and anyone who judges you for your scars can personally kiss every portion of my ass.
I'm not exactly out of the woods yet. There's still a significant part of me that wishes I'd done more damage. It's not like harming myself was not a deliberate choice that I made. I'm anything but metal as fuck. I'm overdramatic and I can't even fully invest myself in my gestures of self destruction, nor can I even figure to what extent I was harming because I had to and to what extent I was harming because I felt I had to, so I rather just feel sort of pathetic to be honest. I'll have to remind myself next time I feel like shit to cut harder because maybe then it will mean something. Urgh.
Spoiler: self harm rambling Okay so I might have.... uh??? I went into the bathroom to take a shower because I needed a reset and I walked into the toilet and made myself vomit somehow despite never having done it before? and then I went into the shower and ended up cutting on top of that now I'm mostly just confused because. why did i do that what the fuck
