It's a good thing I have my work and I HAVE to focus on that for at least the next 24 hours Damn it's fucking hard to be soft and gentle and not be harsh and violent when you're afraid that any stranger could want you dead no wonder I suck at that all the time
I am going to bed. One last hug for everyone in this thread. Take care of yourself and love your neighbor, whatever that means for you. Also, a reminder that dogs exist. Spoiler: A Good and Pure Dog
Is it weird that I just. I mean you can probably tell this from what I changed my icon to but hiding for me doesn't work and it's not that it's something I think is bad for others to do, I just- I dunno. And yet I do hide in my weird half closet limbo, but people call me he in public, too. and bluh fucking- i thought this was the world that came before me. at least here. which i guess was dumb
i stepped back for awhile and got my head on straight with other threads and some meaningless vidya and tbh the only other thing i want to say is that the community made it through Stonewall and the AIDS crisis and everything else before this point and it will make it through this too. there are too many of us and we've made too much progress for this to backslide us into those days. but this isn't a fight that's mostly won yet. not even close. we're still in the process of planting trees our generation won't live long enough to sit under. but like... i'm okay with holding the shovel if it means someday i'm one of those 'older queer people who had done the fighting' so someone else doesn't have to.
most of my thoughts are pretty incoherent and jumbled right now, so I'm going to wait until tomorrow to sort them out, and hope that sleep and time will help me to process them the most clear one right now, though, is that I really want to do something. about ... something. I don't really know! like I said, jumbled. the closest I can get to articulating it is that something bad has happened, and I want to figure out what I can do to help it to ... not. ugh. that's not quite right, but it's close enough for tonight. hugs for everyone - we'll make it through this.
okay I need somewhere to talk about this so I guess here? maybe? this is this is the kind of thing that always puts the fear of god in me. this is the kind of thing I am utterly terrified of. because I have friends who go to Pride events and gay clubs and gay bars and things like that. I have friends who go out and are very open about who they are. and I'm utterly terrified something like this will happen to them. that they'll be hurt or killed by someone like that shooter. and I hate that I still have to fear for the lives of the people I care about because of something none of us can help and that we want to be proud of. I hate that I'm still so scared of something bad happening to them, when I feel like I shouldn't have to worry or fear for them. it's not fucking fair.
I'm still going back and forth between being numb and devastated tears. I get the feeling it will be like that for a while.
I don't have any feelings, just kind of cotton wrapped. I'm not worried, not concerned, scared, happy or sad. Spoiler: reactions or the lack of one on my part Being "gay", a minority and females bodied, I always expect violence. I always expect the negative. I don't feel vindicated, or that I'm right or any of that bullshit. It's just a fact of my life that violence, that hate and death will happen. But when it does, it's...wow. Okay, that happened. That's real. Expecting it and the reality of it actually happening is almost deja vu-like. My reality split from that reality and I can see that other life where this never happened but I'm living and experiencing this one now. My ultra-conservative, Republican, white, cishet, born/raised in Bible Belt/Texan roommates have wept over this. I knew they were upset over something but was too meh to care when I went to work, but they finally told me and it kind of popped my bubble. They were thinking about me, their friends/family and my friends. How glad it wasn't me or anyone they knew but then they immediately felt selfish for thinking so. I'm still too..distanced...to take it in. But to see them caring about this makes me feel off. I'm...bitter and glad? Amused? Confused? Happy? That they care about people more than guns and gender politics but I'm not processing well. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
I'm really angry. I'm not sad, I'm angry and So funny story: Guy who I sorta respected before he went full libertarian posted a thing on fb about how "bad things happen and fifty lives aren't worth more security and privacy violations, this is just a bad thing that happened, the true cancer in america is our belief we can control the world, yadayada" Friend of mine commented "this is the straightest comment I've seen in a while" Guy replies back "Well I am straight." Way to miss the point there
My friend opened up a can of discourse over her own head by saying something and now the ace/aro discourse is ramping up on my dash after a fucking tragedy because people are wanting to gate keep and attack her. After a tragedy. My dash is a comforting community sense that I've never picked up on before, and I was feelin' chill, then in rushes the screaming and poop over 3/4 of it and they're not letting up. :lays the fuck down: I feel sad and foggy today I cannot handle the idea that motherfuckers are GATE KEEPING AFTER THIS. WE NEED TO BE STICKING THE FUCK TOGETHER RIGHT NOW, NOT RIPPING A NEW ASSHOLE INTO EACH OTHER. I have NO idea how anyone can feel justified in gate keeping bullshit semantics right now. How do they have the energy, or even the drive, to do that. What is even being gained?? It's online asspat points at the most disgusting time to be grabbing for them, far as I can tell. I don't understand.
so I'm still kind of glued to the news because I need to be watching it anyway but I'm just glad that at least CBC amd CTV are pretty consistently framing it as an attack on a gay nightclub, and talking about vigils and how its affecting the community. i am listening to the local news on the radio as well and we just had some sort of awareness breakfast thing as part of pride today, and fuck I guess it's good to hear the reaction to this is basically "this is awful and we wont tolerate hate here" (eta: the breakfast was already scheduled like months ago but there was a "sombre mood" to quote the news and i assume they had a moment of silence or something.) Spoiler: is tw: death redundant And on tv yesterday there was this one mother who the CBC interviewed, she was basically distraught, ofc, because her son's boyfriend was confirmed to be in hospital but she had no idea where her son was. and today they confirmed he's dead? i literally have no idea who this person is and I'm crying about it? Fuck
I literally had to duck away from my job twice so far because I'm tearing up randomly. this is so fucking awful still, I went kind of nuts on snapchat earlier and I got replies from some people I haven't talked to recently, and it was a few really good kind of mental hug sessions last night it just hurts so much
I had never been publicly affectionate with someone before I got to hang out for a week with my then-girlfriend over spring break this year. Literally the only time I've been with a SO in person -- we'd gone to school together, but didn't start dating until after we'd become long distance. I was extremely emotional; one night to the point of crying in the hotel room; over how much it meant to me to feel safe and able to hold someone's hand just walking around and not feel like I was going to be attacked. Because I thought these days are safe, now. Not like when I was in high school ten years ago, afraid to come out to my friends. And what if someone had seen her kiss me in the parking lot before she went to work and I started the drive back on my last day. What if they had shot us, shot other people because of us. safe ---- I live about an hour outside of Orlando. My sister works in downtown Orlando with her girlfriend (surprise, identical twins both turn out to be some kind of queer). She was working the night of the shooting. She doesn't work at Pulse, and I don't think she's gone to it, but sometimes she does go out with friends after work so who knows if they might have decided to that night? I've never been to a club, but I've been interested for a while in going to a gay club/gay bar, even though I don't drink, and don't particularly dance or socialize, just because I'd feel comfortable being around people like me. Because I'd know I was around people like me. Because if I did want to drink, I'd feel safer trying it with friends there than at a regular club. safer ---- 50 dead and 53 injured. The Orlando mayor was on 106.7 fm this morning. No music was playing on the station, only call-ins. 94.9 fm had a pause to announce their sympathy to the city of Orlando when I first got in the car to drive to work. ---- I do not feel safe. I feel afraid, and remember that just because I haven't lost my job yet doesn't mean I can't, that just because nobody's beat me up yet doesn't mean they can't, that just because doctors haven't denied medical treatment before doesn't mean they can't.
Having a lot of trouble focusing at work today. I made the mistake of listening to Brahms' German Requiem and had to close my office door because I was crying at my desk.
I'm so upset about this, it's so... it's. I knew there was still hate, I knew we were still being targeted, but this just made it more... real and I live in Georgia now, I'm only a state away, I'm in the middle of the bible belt and I'm a transman, but I don't pass well, but I don't look overly feminine either so people can sort of tell that I'm either genderqueer or they assume I'm a butch lesbian and for once I'm kind of glad that my girlfriend is across the country so we won't put ourselves or others in danger by being together but she lives near LA, and there was a close call there, too and she's coming down here in September and my excitement is now tainted by fear what if people see us what if they realize I'm trans, or what if they assume we're lesbians I'm scared, and I'm sick to my stomach imagining what happened I had hoped we were past this
