please, give blood no matter where you are! if there's one thing i always encourage when bad things like this happen.. there is always a need for blood basically everywhere. when tragedies strike, so much blood is often given in the area local to the tragedy that there ends up being too much and a lot just gets thrown away. but wherever you currently are? they probably could use your blood donation for day to day use. you'd still be saving somebody's life, or keeping somebody alive. it's something.
think of it like.. idk. tons of people donate food around the holidays. tons of people volunteer in soup kitchens around the holidays too. so much so that a lot of donated food that spoils quickly is tossed out, and a lot of volunteers end up being turned away. but then when no holidays are going, donations drop and so do volunteers. those places need donations and volunteers in the in-between times too. just like hospitals need blood donations when there hasn't been a tragedy.
Oh for real. This straight boy came into the comments of the post I wrote asking people not to turn around and let this fuel islamophobia to tell me how religion makes people homophobic and I just about frothed at the mouth.
I'm amazed my friend handled the resident frother in their comments, they were some of the worst slurs I've ever seen and they just. Grace and calmness. And he backed down and got all cagey and hesitant because she didn't explode on him because that made her dangerous, but kept aggressively asserting those slurs like "yeah but what IF. what THEN!!"
Spoiler: Poem I wrote (Uh, author's note first, I guess, so I have some issues with religion I'm still working through so... yeah. Uh. Yeah) Is this the safety that our elders died for? Dead where there ought to be joy and celebration On the anniversary of change remembered in the injured and gone Boyfriends and girlfriends and sons and daughters and others lost, like that, In a second, in a minute, in a gun shot or fifty. And maybe prayer is the words of the helpless, sounds at the sky- A fury without meaning or result, But those whisperings at nothing Are all we can make, we the helpless permanent few. For if now in this time we were meant to be safe, The time that our elders died and marched and sang for, If in this time, our brothers and sisters and siblings still die, Still are killed by the hateful who hold all the guns, What else do we have but to turn to the sky? I can not give prayers for the souls of the gone But I understand why those who pray do.
Spoiler: rambling about safety i've felt so safe the past few years after moving to Ottawa... there are so many obviously lgbt people around, so many GNC people, and it's been years since i thought anything of identifying myself as queer. hell, if i'm in a club with straight friends i loudly and openly identify myself as a lesbian (which is almost true, i'm technically bi but the only person i want anything to do with is a woman) so that i don't have to deal with straight men who try to touch me or kiss me and it just. it's never felt reckless. i've never felt unsafe -- maybe slightly threatened by drunk men who don't believe me, but not unsafe, i've almost felt cocky that i'm so good at handling them, because i know exactly what to say to straight guys to get them to think i'm a 'cool lesbian' -- i know how to get them from defensive and macho and offended to, like, curious but accepting and like half the time i can tell that im the only queer girl they've ever met in their lives, and i feel like i'm Doing A Good Thing by letting them ask me their invasive questions and come to the conclusion that Lesbians Exist Outside Of Porn, and that LGBT People Are Real but. just because no one has ever tried to hurt me before doesn't mean that it's actually safe, all it means is that i've been lucky. there were hundreds of people in that club that thought that they were safe i'm not going to stop being open, but. i think that i need to start to consider my surroundings a bit more. and not be reckless. it's terrifying but the world isn't as safe for us as i had tricked myself into thinking it was, and i can't fucking charm my way out of being the victim of a hate crime my mom said, when i first sent her the news, "I know. The US is not a safe place to live for the community" and. where is safe? our safe spaces are being invaded by people with guns and explosives who want to kill us. i'm rambling. i'm just. 50 people who felt safe died a couple days ago and i dont know what to do with that. god i'm so fucking sad
why do I go on facebook. my mom in law's on there. She's loudly pro-trump. She was complaining about the Vietnam War Memorial defacement in Venice that happened over memorial day weekend, and screaming about it not being in the #1 slot of the news and investigated. She cares more about a wall than human beings dying. A wall that can be cleaned and replaced. I feel like I'm going to be sick, I knew she and dad were like this but I had no idea /how like this they were/ and that's terrifying me. I haven't seen them in years now, not since Nate and I bounced. He doesn't like spending time around them that much, and they make me anxious. I don't even talk on the phone to them, the few times we talk. How am I going to visit them?? Our plan is just. to go outside or go for a drive whenever they start up, escape that way, but /god/ this is a new feeling to me. I wasn't out when I was there, I didn't learn about anything till we bounced and I had proper internet connection and realized a lot of things about myself that matched up. I knew his uncle was a violent homophobe with a big mouth, we've butted heads before when I lived there. ... But to have the people who keep eagerly wanting me to trust them, to view them as parents since mine are dead, to love them, disregard human life so easily in favor of a /wall/. I need a hug.
witnessed. i'm so sorry for everyone with shitty family members right now, you guys deserve support and love and understanding, and i'm sorry that your family can't or won't provide it
I can't tell if it's willful ignorance or just. Passive ignorance. Some of it is willful tbh, they're old and set in their ways and their ways are very racist homophobic and xenophobic. Now and then we can make them see logic, but I just. Don't even try anymore. This is the same family whose adopted daughter got into a screech fest with me about Black Lives Matter and started twisting my words around till I blocked her. I'm just. so fucking glad we don't live in that state anymore. We're in a state with 0 family members, and while that sucks to have 0 support, there's not much support to be had. my family's cut off entirely and his is just. Well. That. My heart goes out to the folks who have to share a roof with people shouting these things, ya'll are amazing for not punching people in the mouth, I wouldn't be handling things well at all.
University sent ouy multiple emails with vigil times, group counseling specifically for people hit by this, and multiple sets of grief and psych counseling. Our regional chancellor shot off two emails herself, and they've reminded everyone about the diversity reaources department and the crisis reporting line for if you see another student in distress. Our neighbors, who we've talked to all of once, offered to mow our lawn. Wouldn't think twice about it normally, but he didn't want to be paid and he did a full professional go over, and we're out as 'the lesbians' to the whole neighborhood. It's funny that even with people trying to spin it as 'totally just ISIS' everyone KNOWS. Claim it's 'just' terrorists all you want, calling up your gay cousin just in case means you know who it was really aimed at.
fuck fuck fuck fuck i went back on facebook because, i don't know, i'm desperate to see anyone reacting to this--and honestly i've been thinking about coming out to my family on facebook just as a giant 'fuck you' to all of them and it was a little heartwarming because finally some of them are reacting, and because some of my mormon relatives are actually liking posts in support of orlando but then i came across a post my mom liked that said "The worst mass murder in American history... and Obama... implies that it will stop if guns are taken away... I bet criminals and "terrorists" / Jihadists will rush to turn their guns in... UNBELIEVABLE." and it's like... ok yeah they're not going to rush to turn their guns in, no, but for fuck's sake it'll make it a lot harder to obtain them in the future, and also hey guess what, it'll make it so if you see someone with a gun you can call the fucking cops on them, stop making this about your motherfucking gun rights and then i come across this fucking post about a baptist pastor in sacramento praising the orlando massacre and i can't i'm going to cry i'm going to be sick, there were fifty people that died and this pastor is saying that more of them should have been murdered fuck i mean it's a small comfort that my cousin reacted to this post very angrily, but still @kmoss i'm going to read the texts from your mom again, over and over. thank you so much for posting those. please tell your mom thank you for being amazing
here's a literal poem she wrote me on fb today: LINK because I didn't want to have to copypaste the whole thing again. I'll tell her. she's a really good person, and she keeps getting better.
I've been hurting. My chosen family are hurting because they are LGBT and feel threatened and I can't make them safe. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry some of you are dealing with unempathetic assholes on top of everything else.
I'm going to pride this year. I went to one nearly 15 years ago, and have since been dealing with PTSD that had nothing to do with being gay, female bodied, or a minority (Holy shit but it's weirdly liberating to say that?), it's just war related stuff. (Haha, stuff...so blasè.) Spoiler: not really defiant just...not caring anymore I'm going because if I die at least I'm surrounded by people who accept me. I didn't survive a genocide, my insane troll logic family/culture/society, and the goddamned US immigrations bureau to let some asshole stop me from living my life. I completely understand people not wanting to go and being afraid. I've been scared all my life too. I'm just...done. I wasn't going to go due to debilitating fear of anxiety attack and the press of bodies, but I'm going to be on top of my medication game. I'm not getting any younger (or smarter apparently) so I want to do something that won't send me into random screaming fits of rage and violence. Something that makes me happy and takes me out of my own head for awhile. Even if it'll kill me. *shrugs* Spoiler: 911 experience When 911 happened, I didn't know. I was driving, stopped at a 4 way signal, and some white dude, jay walked across the street, screaming in my direction. My window was down, I was the only person in the car. I was dressed traditionally because it was as hotter than Satan's arsehole, and fuck Global Warming. Dude thought I was Middle Eastern, screaming at me to go back sand n***er. No one wants you, and so on and so forth. I wasn't afraid. I was more annoyed that if this asshole was going to get hit, his guts and body part will be spraying me. I remembered thinking, get out of the street, dude. Move! He kept screaming, but the light turned green and all I could think of was, "Dude, you are going to die." I still wasn't afraid for my life. Imagine this happening every other week, your entire life though.
fuck it, i'm going to pride this year. it's next week and i only live an hour and a half from orlando but i'm fucking doing it and no one can stop me. i'm too mad not to.
I know I already posted in here, and it wasn't even anything substantial or anything, but as a latinx genderqueer/queer I'm still so shaken up by this event. Like this gunman targeted my community, my intersectional identity community. And why? What for? I can't make sense of this. And I'm literally crying writing this because ... I can't even explain why I'm crying. I'm just scared and heartbroken and angry and confused. I just need hugs and I usually hate hugs.
I keep posting in here, because I keep not being okay. I think we're all allowed to not be okay, and to express that here as much as we need to, @ectoBiologist . I found this poem earlier today and it made me cry. Spoiler: text of poem pulse by Alexis Pauline Gumbs (for the 50 in Orlando and beyond) i was going to see you i was going to dance in the same place with you someday i was going to pretend not to notice how you and your friends smiled when you saw me and my partner trying to cumbia to bachata but i was going to feel more free anyway because you were smiling and we were together and you had your stomach out and you felt beautiful in your sweat i was going to smile when i walked by i was going to hug you the first time a friend of a friend introduced us i was going to compliment your shoes instead of writing you a love poem i was going to smile every time i saw you and struggle to remember your name we were going to sing together we were going to belt out Selena i was going to mispronounce everything except for amor and ay ay ay i was going to covet your confidence and your bracelet i was going to be grateful for the sight of you i was going scream YES!!! at nothing in particular at everything especially meaning you meaning you beyond who i knew you to be i was going to see you in hallways and be too shy to say hello you were going to come to the workshop you were going to sign up for the workshop and not come you were going to translate the webinar even though my politics seemed out there we were going to sign up for creating change the same day and be reluctant about it for completely different reasons we were going to watch the keynotes and laugh at completely different times i was going to hold your hand in a big activity about the intimacy of strangers about the strangeness of needing prayer we were going to get the same automated voice message when we complained that it was not what it should have been we were going to be standing in the same line for various overpriced drinks during a shift change i was going to breathe loudly so you would notice me you were going to compliment my hair it isn’t fair because we were going to work to beyonce and rihanna and the rihanna’s and beyonce’s to come and the beyonce’s and rihanna’s after that we were going to not drink enough water and stay out later than our immune systems could handle we were going to sit in traffic in each others blindspots listening to top 40 songs that trigger queer memories just outside the scope of marketing predictions we were going to get old and i was going to wonder about the hint of a tattoo i could see under your sleeve i was going to blink and just miss the fought-for laughter lines around your liner-loved eyes i was going to go out for my birthday but i didn’t and you did we were going to be elders just because we were still around and i was going to listen to you on a panel we didn’t feel qualified for and hear you talk about your guilt for still being alive when so many of your friends were taken by suicide by AIDS by racist police and jealous ex-lovers and poverty and no access to healthcare and how you had a stable job you suffered at until the weekend how you avoided the drama and only went to the club at pride and so here you were with no one to dance with anymore i was going to see you and forget you and only remember you in my hips and how my smile came easier than clenching my teeth eventually and how i finally learned whatever it is i still haven’t learned yet i was going to hear you laugh and not know why and not care our ancestors fought for a future and we were both going to be there until we weren’t and i don’t know if it would hurt more to lose you later after knowing you i don’t know if it would hurt more to know you died on your own day by your own hands or any of the other systems that stalk you and me and ours forever i only know the pain that i am having and that you are not here to share it you are not here to bear it you were going to pass me a candle at the next vigil but now i am pulse and now you are flame.
hugs @ectoBiologist i feel you my girlfriend is a latina so i... i get where you're coming from. not on a personal level, but... yeah. it feels like it's worse because it was targeting two minorities and i'm just. fuck. it's fucked up. i'm sorry. :c
