the way it takes a while for me to actually be sorry LMFAO

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by townghost, May 25, 2020.

  1. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i want to explain this about me. i have a lot of trouble being perceived and communicating ,as we all do. i tend to get initially defensive and focus on redefining my own story until i actually feel secure before i can think about others. so now, i feel a little bit more secure in that and i feel a bit more ready to apologize sincerely.

    i honestly put aside any reasons why we should justify being shit to each other. i don't know most of you and i didn't give any of you a chance, i purely acted out of trauma and i expected too much from strangers.

    i can accept just about everyone unless they trigger me. regardless of how i treated anyone and all of the shit i spewed out of trauma, i don't actually want anyone to feel like shit. i can disagree with you but that wouldn't give me the right to abuse you, i expect that from everyone else and i expect it from myself.

    i'm never sorry for thinking in a way that i need to think to keep my brain stable for survival. i shouldn't get triggered when someone challenges that but i did. i didn't give time to adapt to the community and manage my differences with the norms here and i refused to see how hard everyone was trying to accomodate me. i truly regret wasting everyone's energy like that because even if we're different, you're still a person and you really spent time dealing with my shit.

    i still think there are some things that i'm just not convinced of yet and it's better to not discuss here. part of me is an arguer, i consider at all times a good time for an argument, it's fulfilling to me to spend my life struggling intellectually with tough issues. it's a problem for me, and i need to find other outlets to do that that will end up being productive. that i'm not sorry for, that's just who i am. it's my issue and i live with it, if i judge and deny it then it will just get buried and end up causing problems for me later.

    far from being an asshole, i can't fight or sustain a grudge. i've been fucking confusing and i'm sorry.
    • Informative x 1
  2. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    wow i feel ignored... maybe im not so sorry
  3. Hoe Betide

    Hoe Betide New Member

    Hey there. I don't know if you remember me from before your ban; I'm the one who said your posts were exacerbating my own issues with a grasp on reality.

    First, I want to say that I see you. I see the progress you're making, and I find that you're more coherent. I can comprehend you and what you're saying without feeling myself slip away in the process. So just... give yourself a pat on the back for me, alright?

    Two, I've seen you apologize to people numerous times whenever you feel like they're hurting because of you. I genuinely believe that the majority of the time, you're just hurting and having issues with expressing that hurt and emotions in ways that do not result in others being hurt or confused in the wake.

    The onus for communication breakdowns should not entirely be held on your shoulders. I find that you tend to respond better when people give you their frame of reference - their own feelings and points of view - when responding to your posts instead of solely voicing their objections to what you have said. Is this observation accurate to you? Do you feel more at ease and less defensive when people state where they're speaking from?

    After all, to reiterate what I said at the end of last year: part of the issues you and I both share is that (from my speculation, again I need you to confirm or deny) everything is connected. The steps that connect points seem so obvious to you and I, but a lot of people don't have that framework. They just see the start and end, and only react to the conclusion without factoring in the steps along the way.

    I think that's an aspect of this being done on forums. At least with more real-time interactions, it's easier to stop and go 'wait, what?' and give you a chance to step back and reiterate or explain the apparent jumps. And its not something on your end alone, but rather something more people need to keep in mind.

    Look, normally I would ask if you wanted me to DM you but unfortunately I can't; I lost the pass to this account again (the joy of a sub) but if you're alright with it, I can unmask in a message to you and maybe we can swap Discords. Give you another set of eyes, someone to voice things to without fear of mod action or censorship.
    • Witnessed x 1
  4. spockandawe

    spockandawe soft and woolen and writhing with curiosity

    Tactics like this might prod people into responding, maybe, but people are also going to perceive you as manipulative and your apologies as insincere. Not every single person will assume the absolute worst, but on the whole, you are going to lower people's willingness to engage with you and/or trust the things you say. This is not a good strategy.
    • Agree x 5
  5. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    tactics and strategy huh

    your words not mine
  6. Khan

    Khan why does anyone NOT hate her

    What would you call it? Word choice? Posting behavior? Communication style?
    I’m not trying to stir shit. If that particular diction bothers you, what wouldn’t?
  7. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    first off, i don't want anyone to hurt. that's my true original nature. i want to live by that. it's something i'm currently struggling with. i think its something we all struggle with in this current world.

    that's actually true, yes, i do appreciate having some context for you. i feel like i'm having the world on my shoulders when i have no frame of reference and i should act as if i'm facing the whole potential of humanity. that's how i learned to act in the city because anybody could be anybody. it was like being a wild animal, but also somebody's mother, while i'm explaining shit to an alien. i didn't get to explore the finer points of being human. i was in the school of hard knocks.

    being off the grid and anonymous is actually really fucking hard. and so is being in your own head. i think what you're saying is more basic, people don't understand what i'm thinking. but i took on an extreme amount of alienation and self denial. thinking that i would never go back to human society, i intentionally threw away the key. i denied everything i want, right down to human connection. it's really, really sad.

    i have a discord, you can message me. i always try to be as available as possible. keep the light on all night etc.
  8. Hoe Betide

    Hoe Betide New Member

    I've sent you a message from my main account since it's tied to my Discord; if you didn't get it, give me a 'witnessed' okay?
  9. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i got ya ;)

    and can i honestly call boundaries on explaining why i view things a certain way and what words mean.
  10. rats

    rats 21 Bright Forge Shatters The Void

    just because it wasnt acknowledged immediately doesnt mean it was being ignored; it can take more than a day to process some things and your accusing people of ignoring you isnt going to make the previous apology seem at all sincere, thats just my onion though
    • Agree x 4
  11. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i just know that, i know you guys are trying to be nice but i’m not trying to be nice. people casually are mean when they think they’re in the right. that is a very succesful social strategy. i don’t know why, i don’t like it, i don’t agree with it. it just is
  12. TheOwlet

    TheOwlet A feathered pillow filled with salt and science

    ...i am not sure how that relates to what rats said?
    Like, genuinely, i can't follow the mental jump from 'this might make your apology sound insincere' to 'being mean when you think you're right is a successful social strategy'
  13. spockandawe

    spockandawe soft and woolen and writhing with curiosity

    This is not the first time you've snapped at me over word choice and ignored the substance of my posts. It's also not the first time you've done that, then turned around and did the same thing you were pissed at me for doing. This is not as likely to go badly as holding apologies hostage conditional on other people giving you attention, but humans are very good at pattern recognition, and this is also not a constructive social strategy.

    My posting these responses is also not a constructive social strategy, for me, which means I'm doing it as an attempt to help. Historically, your attempts to consciously emulate social strategies on here have gone poorly for you. My main recommendation is that you try not to do that, but if you do, I do recommend that you explain why you're doing things, because then you'll get replies like the one above^^ that express confusion if your logic doesn't make sense to other people.
    • Agree x 1
  14. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    this is just pointless you don't know me, you aren't my friend, you have no reason to forgive me for my flaws. theres no reason for me to present a consistent personality to you. this is a pointless conversation. you could just as easily say nothing and it would have the same effect, but you choose to tire me out with pointless conversations, you can't write instructions into my brain and i'll immediately do it. this thread is actually proof of that
  15. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i'm gonna get mad later, i'm just chill right now but you doing this is fucking not cool and it needs to stop, don't know how many times i'm gonna need to say that, in how many ways, in how many frames of reference, it's not working. it doesn't work. stop.
  16. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    it's a dumb pointless tiring challenge to see if i'll rise to the bait and fight my way back to equilibrium, i've asked you to stop. i'm telling you to stop. keep your opinions to yourself. stop. you truly are setting me backwards, causing problems for me, and undoing my efforts. go into yourself and figure out the effects of your actions. you can't gotcha every pointless contradiction a person makes. stop.
  17. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    you can really piss me off and i'll get violent again. you are harmful. you need to listen and stop what you're doing. doesn't matter if i make perfect sense like a computer or a robot. you need to stop.
  18. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    feeling comfortable about criticizing someone is usually something that comes well into a relationship, not with a stranger. i don't have any energy at this point in my life for drive-by haters in my life. i have had an extremely devastating life, and i am recovering now. i'm not an interface for you to type into.
  19. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i feel mad at the violation, i am deliberately not giving you an invitation to make judgements and perceptions about me because there's nothing about you that i am interested in. what i am doing to you is both defending myself and explaining how and why i am defending myself because you seem very entitled to why i am defensive to you. if you can agree to stop, i will be much healthier medically.
  20. spockandawe

    spockandawe soft and woolen and writhing with curiosity

    Radical, the exact way I wanted to wrap up a miserable week was by spending my night approving a bunch of posts yelling at me. It would have taken me much less effort on my part to either ignore you or to be a "drive-by hater," and I promise that I am full of regrets for attempting to help, as per usual. I'm just glad that we're apparently so far into our relationship that you feel comfortable criticizing and judging so many things about me.
    • Witnessed x 2
    • Like x 1
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