i want to explain this about me. i have a lot of trouble being perceived and communicating ,as we all do. i tend to get initially defensive and focus on redefining my own story until i actually feel secure before i can think about others. so now, i feel a little bit more secure in that and i feel a bit more ready to apologize sincerely. i honestly put aside any reasons why we should justify being shit to each other. i don't know most of you and i didn't give any of you a chance, i purely acted out of trauma and i expected too much from strangers. i can accept just about everyone unless they trigger me. regardless of how i treated anyone and all of the shit i spewed out of trauma, i don't actually want anyone to feel like shit. i can disagree with you but that wouldn't give me the right to abuse you, i expect that from everyone else and i expect it from myself. i'm never sorry for thinking in a way that i need to think to keep my brain stable for survival. i shouldn't get triggered when someone challenges that but i did. i didn't give time to adapt to the community and manage my differences with the norms here and i refused to see how hard everyone was trying to accomodate me. i truly regret wasting everyone's energy like that because even if we're different, you're still a person and you really spent time dealing with my shit. i still think there are some things that i'm just not convinced of yet and it's better to not discuss here. part of me is an arguer, i consider at all times a good time for an argument, it's fulfilling to me to spend my life struggling intellectually with tough issues. it's a problem for me, and i need to find other outlets to do that that will end up being productive. that i'm not sorry for, that's just who i am. it's my issue and i live with it, if i judge and deny it then it will just get buried and end up causing problems for me later. far from being an asshole, i can't fight or sustain a grudge. i've been fucking confusing and i'm sorry.