I've talked to others about it and it has been suggested by at least one friend I have that I might have it. Others have said that it seems to sound like. So I'm kind of wondering if I might have it and if I should look into that with a therapist? Also how that would even go about. As for things that lead me and others to suspect this... I have massive abandonment issues. Even small amounts of criticism from people I'm very fond of can trigger panic attacks over my fear of being abandoned. I spend a lot of my time after an episode doing everything I can to avoid abandonment. Though really I'm always fearful of the possibility and thinking of how to prevent it. I have great amounts of rage and often over little shit. I attach very fiercely to particular people. These people I deem My People and generally I view them very, very highly. Above how I view others and I generally put them before other people regardless of the situation. I have issues with black and white thinking. Episodes will be triggered of extreme black and white thinking with no room for nuance. Usually this is directed at myself and my own personal self image, a loved one, or Group That I Hate. These extremes can also shift very fast. Within the space of like half an hour I went from thinking that someone was the greatest thing ever and that I would do anything to get them to never leave me, to hating them intensely for hurting me (read: needing time away from me being a dick) and wishing them dead. I have a need for attention. Not like the standard sort of everyone needs it need, but a sort of very dire need that falls to my becoming highly depressed or impulsively causing problems for attention. I intentionally act up at times just so I get some sort of attention, whether it is positive or negative. I frequently struggle with my sense of self and often question what I am. I have strong urges to accept other labels off the cuff, and I'm extremely focused on maintaining my labels because otherwise I feel lost. I occasionally can't tell what it is I like and find this very distressing. I scratch at myself during emotional episodes because the feelings are too much to handle. I do not experience emotion in half measures. I go from zero to eleven constantly and with damn near every feeling over even little things. My relationships are often unstable. I constantly cycle through new friends after getting bored of people, and my closest relationships are often punctuated by emotional breakdowns over my abandonment issues. I have trouble accepting that people might not be good for me as well, as I take any small kindness from people I view highly as a sign that they are very, very good and the best ever. I struggle with disassociation and have long hours worth of it if I need to be in public after an episode. I am highly impulsive, especially where it regards eating snacks or using money.
That sounds...like almost textbook BPD, honestly. Like, I'd be surprised if it turned out you didn't have it. ...Wow, that probably came across bad, but I assure you I'm not judging at all. Got no place to, I have BPD myself (and as an additional data point: your description sounds very like my own personal experience with the disorder). EDIT: Also, I'd definitely say look into it with your therapist. As for bringing it up...I brought it up with my psych by basically saying "I have done my research and believe there is a possibility I have BPD," and we discussed it (and possible treatment options) from there?
This is now a total of three people with it that have said that. Which is...worrying. But also encouraging. Because at least it gives me a potential name to the problem.
This comment might be a bit late but if you're looking for another comment... Yeah, that's textbook. Just think of it like this: learning this doesn't change what's there, it just gives you a direction, title and an idea of sources of potential help for related issues.
another for the pile of you sound like you have textbook bpd AWW YEAH But yeah I'm seeing a therapist soon. I'll be talking with her about it then.
