Me for the past like, year: While I'm aware that I would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist, the process of finding one who will accept my insurance and make allowances for my unemployed status is so daunting that I seriously cannot muster the will to undertake it. My mother and best friends: We understand this, and support you. Me for the past month, culminating in yesterday: *makes a frankly HEROIC effort to secure a time slot for myself with a therapist, despite many set-backs including my first option cancelling our appointments twice because her basement flooded and my second option asking me to take an unfamiliar bus to their secondary office and walk through a surprise snowfall. We talked for an hour and a half and I have a foll0w-up appointment this Monday to discuss medication management and medical referrals* My mother and best friends: Yay! You did it! We're so proud of you, Drake! Me internally: What?? The fuck??? Is this condescending bullshit? How dare you speak this way to me??? What the fuck, brain? I think part of me keeps expecting my loved ones to turn on me and start bullying me for my low energy levels and slow progress in getting treatment, because...that's what people DO in this situation? Nobody is this understanding. Except apparently they are? Also my mom used to be kind of unstable and would flip her lid over the smallest thing. She once screamed at me for half an hour and forced me to out myself as dating a girl (I'm AFAB) and then break up with her, just because I asked if I could put off doing the dishes until after I visited my "friend's" house...But that was literally over ten years ago. We were under a lot of stress from living with my abusive father. We've reconciled. I forgave her. How do I get myself to stop bracing for her to turn on me? On a happy note my insurance will cover everything for at least the first six months of treatment. Thanks, Obama!
That's a pretty typical reaction to have to affirming statements and solidarity from friends and family for people with abusive backgrounds and experience with bullying. I understand the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop and like you're being mocked when people express pride. But you did do great, and it's right that they recognize that! Having lingering trauma meddling with your reactions to your mother is perfectly reasonable, and it's a thing that time will definitely help fix. Asking her for reassurance might help every now and then, if you can.
It was just so weird when I realized I felt like I was being condescended too, because I also WANTED recognition for my hard work? Because getting that appointment was genuinely very hard for me. But I guess as I wanted that recognition, I was also expecting to be put down for it and told what I'd done was nothing special after all, or asked why it took me so long? Which is a pretty terrible thing to think, my loved ones would never deliberately be that cruel. Getting reassurance from my mom would be nice, but I'm not sure how to ask for it without making her feel bad in the process or setting off a discussion of how hurt I was by things she said or did years ago, when I'd really rather put those things behind me. Thank you for your comment, it helped me feel better. <3
