[TW ED, toxic behavior] So I killed my relationship

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by Panda, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. Panda

    Panda Fuzzy critter

    So I just did the thing where I ruined my relationship.

    Don't know what I'm looking for here, so bear with me.

    Long story short, I come from a long line of assholes and I still live with one, namely my dad. My dad thinks making "funny" comments about eating, like telling me not to eat too much or giving me shit when I'm having warm meals twice a day or giving me shit for wanting sweets is an okay thing to do.

    And I just... for some reason despite the fucking fact that I know how shitty that is, I know how upset it makes me and how angry it makes me do the same thing to my partner. She's got an eating disorder, I've got an eating disorder so you can fucking see why that's not ideal.

    It's like I open my mouth and words just tumble out because... I don't know. I guess some part of me thinks that's how you talk to people.
    But the moment I say those mean-spirited things I know they were wrong and not okay. And I apologize but... that's not something that can be excused if it happens again and again and I understand that.

    I mean, I've made progress. I used to do that more often than I do now, which is good, but I haven't gotten rid of that part that thinks this is... idk, the funny kind of teasing, which doesn't really exist?

    Anyway I just did that one time too many, my partner told me she doesn't want me in her life anymore and I... can't even say I don't understand. I apologized, but that doesn't fix the fact that I was being toxic about this thing for so long.

    She takes this as not caring about her and not loving her, which is understandable, and I can't fix it because I understand where she's coming from because there's really no other way to take this.

    I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish with this thread, I just... needed to talk about this somewhere. Sorry if this isn't where this thread's supposed to go.

    So, anyway, the tl;dr:

    Ruined an almost 14 year relationship because I can't shake up shitty behavior I learned from my dad even though I actually know better.
    • Witnessed x 12
  2. Alaspooralice

    Alaspooralice An actual trash fire

    I'm sorry to hear that, but I doubt that was the only reason things didn't work between you two. I hope that you can continue to work on yourself and I hope you don't beat yourself up too much and try to move forward.
    • Agree x 4
  3. Verily

    Verily surprised Xue Yang peddler

    Late but I think this is a really good thing to talk about. If you’re doing something you recognize is unhealthy and it’s negatively affecting your life and relationships but you’ve had a hellacious time stopping over a period of years and you’re not really sure why? That’s absolutely something worth talking about.
    • Agree x 2
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