since my worth as a person depends on how helpful i am to others, as i don't really have any redeeming qualities, i used to avoid feeling worthless by white knighting a former friend of mine Spoiler: spoiler alert turns out they were a narcissist, i was only being used for validation and attacking people she was upset with i was never as useful to any of my other friends, and i was so emotionally invested in them that i suddenly had no way of earning the little value i had as a person after they backstabbed and cut contact with me once i outlived my usefulness to her. i didn't have any time to think about this earlier since i was too busy sorting out the drama i was thrown into, but i've been thinking about it a lot these past few months and it's really bothering me due to executive dysfunction and very bad depression, i have almost no energy to do stuff, so the only thing i can reliably do on a daily basis is talk to people online(verbal talking is often too difficult for me) with this in mind, i don't know what to do to not be worthless again, and need some advice i'm kind of afraid to post this here since all my friends seem really disturbed whenever i talk about this, but no one can explain what they think is wrong with this if the problem really has sonething to do with my thought process, i'd like for someone to be able to explain, but i'm pretty skeptical that there actually is, and it's more likely i'm just imagining things
Well basically, basing your self worth one being useful to ohers is a very unhealthy thought pattern. (Unfortunately one society encourages a lot). I also hightly doubt it´s your only redeeming quality.
i don't consider it my only redeeming quality, especially since i'm not really able to do much i don't think i actually have any redeeming qualities i don't see how it's an unhealthy thought pattern though; it's what i've been raised to believe
What qualities do you think you have? From what I have seen you post on the forums, you seem quite empathetic about the suffering of others, you speak up about things you seem to see as unfair, you say funny things (things that I think you mean to be funny), you did a brave thing by writing about your past abuse and friends, you have cute hair, you apologise when you fuck up, which all sound like good things to me. Also you say "to be not worthless again", so what does that mean? Was there a time where you did not feel you were worthless? Such thoughts are disturbing to people who do not have them. They do not generally understand at all why you would have them, and it is likely they do not know what to say. It is also possible they simply don't want to hear that someone they know is feeling so badly about themselves. I have been personally disturbed in the past by similar things being said mostly because I was an immature little fucker who did not realise it was not about my discomfort. PS. If you get uncomfortable with questions or whatever, please tell me to back off and I will. I promise.
@hoarmurath i'm cool with all the questions, i'll try to answer them i mostly see myself as dull, boring useless, clumsy and dumb. i also tend to fuck up a lot and make things worse when i try to help people. i guess you're right in that i might have some, but i stillfeel i cause more trouble than i'm worth i made the post in ita because my former friend and i were pretty abusive to other people, but while our friendship was unhealthy and turned pretty toxic, i'm not sure it can be considered abuse itself yeah, back when i was white knighting my former friend, i felt good about myself for doing what i thought was helping her at the time i felt like i had some value as a person, though it was sort of dependent on how well she was feeling i guess not being worthless to me means being useful or helpful to other people
Well, what do you think about other people? Do you ascribe the same metric of worth/worthlessness to them according to how they behave? And you saying those things about yourself sounds like depression to me. Have you looked into professional help in that area at all? Because I could argue all day with you that you're not worthless, but if you intrinsically and constantly feel so, I suspect something else than just your family giving you that feeling could be going on. You're young, but I don't remember feeling that terrible at your age. (I know you are trans, but since I am cis myself, I am loathe to comment on how that might be affecting you, it feels like I would be condescending to you about a topic I know nothing about.) I personally think people have value as they come into the world, and that inherent value cannot be lost, even if they cannot contribute as much to society or whatever. Because if value is measured by contribution, that would essentially mean all the babies in the world are worthless and that's an odd thought to have. Or all the sick people, or the really old people.
i hadn't really thought about that. everyone else around me has always been able do things and help people. i am pretty severely depressed, but i can't see professional help. my family seems to see mental issues as weakness. my family made my life hell the first time i tried to see a therapist, and my dad sought out a specific therapist that would repeat to him what i told her word for word, which made things even worse for me well, you've opened me to the possibility, even if i'm not entirely convinced, so i'll throw in a few possibilities i know that i am very similar to rhett, and seebs said that rhett was "codependent," so I looked up the term, and it seemed to accurately describe my friendship with the narcissist, and it could have something to do with this maybe, but i'm no professional, so i could be easily be wrong i'm also autistic and suffer from some pretty bad anxiety, if that helps? the way my dysphoria makes me loathe myself is different i think it's separate from these feelings, but i don't know how i would explain it
also, can i just say thank you so much for trying to help me like this? i'm readily willing to improve myself if i'm wrong, but no one has ever really been willing to explain to me how maybe i'm really so much of a mess that it's too difficult for people to do
You are welcome. :) What is difficult for me, for example, is that while we have some similarities, our experiences are still quite different and I don't want to prescribe you things or make you feel like you have to do certain things or I'll go away or something. I do have a bit of a tendency to get invested sometimes, but that is because I genuinely want people to feel that they have options and good things they can do and that life can get better. I don't think you are wrong, you sound like a kid in an unfriendly family who can't access the stuff she needs to feel better, and that makes things way-way harder for you on a daily basis than they actually would be if you got the support you genuinely need. Like, the only thing I might think you're objectively wrong about is viewing yourself as worthless and worse than other people. But if you feel that in your head, that is a completely legit feeling, it is just the thing that the stuff your brain serves you are not objectively correct. Feelings are feelings, and thoughts and thoughts, and if you have lived a life where you cannot be authentically yourself (which considering your family feels like so to me), your brain tries to protect you. Sadly, a lot of the time your brain can tend to encourage you to give up, because if you never try, you won't feel the sharp pain of messing up. Example time: I went to a card game pre-release some time ago. You pay for a package, and you get to make your own deck and you play against other people. I had 4 rounds, where you play until one of the players has 2 wins. So you play 2 games per round, or 3 if you and your opponent get 1 win each. I won 2 games in 2 rounds. I lost all the other ones. My brain essentially mocked me for even trying and said I should never try to make any choices in my life again, which is objectively ridiculous. I have had more time to fight my brain's stupid stuff than you, and I managed to just keep going like "hey but that doesn't make sense, it was just the one event and the stakes were free booster packs and some street cred, I am not the worst just because I lost". Everyone's bit of a mess, but allistics and generally able people adapt better to pretending everything is fine. I am something of a mess too, but you would not know it at all if I said nothing. A lot of it is about perception and the information you give to people. Your parents look like they're fine because they simply never show you that they are tired or feel weak or bad. Same goes for the people you see occasionally. Basically, other people's lives are highlight reels, and on an highlight reel you are not going to see the way people cry in bed at night, or how they sneak alcohol before lunch, or how they play online poker games at work on the computer, or a bazillion other things. So, what I see is that...how soon will you be turning 18? And what plans do you have for that? Because you do need medical help, and...um, your father doing that sounds illegal to me? Aren't therapists supposed to hold your confidence unless you confess to a felony/plans to murder/possible suicide attempt? What I am saying is that...that sounds massively not okay to me, and possibly illegal. You're a minor, but even with that. I think I was taken to therapy at 11 because my stepdad wanted a therapist's note that I needed to be with my parents so they could take me along on an overseas trip while I was in school, and even she said that she won't tell things to my parents. As to anxiety, how bad is it? Do you get anxiety attacks, or like constant "I am the worst, every mistake means nobody will like me" thought noise? Because I get such thought noise esp when I fuck something up in front of people who have some sort of power over me. Also, physical symptoms, like my throat trying to close up and higher heart rate.
@hoarmurath i turn 18 in january; and my plan was to try to move out and sort myself out as soon as i can once i finish high school, which mears that I have to survive another year, and i'm uncertain if i will succeed i suffer from anxiety attacks whenever i'm around too much people and don't have enough friends nearby, but i get the thought noise if any of my friends seem bored or unhappy around me
Okay. What are the things that make you uncertain about managing to get through the time you have left? I don't know how helpful it is, but I assume graduation is may-june, so you technically have 10 months to get through, instead of a whole year. Hm. Is that with your meatspace friends? What are the things that make you think your friends are bored/unhappy?
[I had stuff written here but I couldn't figure out how to phrase it the way I wanted. Witnessed, anyway.] Are there any local charities that provide free counselling? Long shot since I have no idea if that's even a thing in the States, but in my home town there's an organisation which provides 6-12 weeks of counselling sessions for anyone <25 that asks. It's all confidential too, and since it's free there's no reason your parents need to know.
i'm tired, very tired. there are also too many things to list that are going to make these next ten months very difficult to bear yeah, but it happens online too. they just sound different toward me, and I get really paranoid about why this is. and the paranoia has been pretty well-founded in the past. once over the span of two months, all seven of the people who had been acting strange toward me turned out to secretly loathe me, and since i have no way to verify my fears, so the possibility really bothers me
I'd expect to find a similar organisation in any city in the UK, but like I said, that might not be a thing at all in the US. If you feel comfortable PMing me your rough area, I could do some googling and see what I can turn up? ETA: tho I am about to go to bed.
Hm, all right. It sounds like you have been super unlucky with your friends, if they can be called friends at all. :( People can often be ridiculously petty and mean about quite small things. Generally if you loathe someone, you don't keep in contact with them. I have learned not to do that, because there is no point and it's false besides. So, if people don't like you, but still keep talking to you and essentially lying to you, that is on them. As to meatspace, I have experienced that I tend to read tired people as angry, and it has taken me some time to unlearn this. The charity idea sounds good, imo. If there are such in your area.
What state are you in? If you want, I can attempt to look up charities in your state that might offer this service or would be able to help? Also, if you have access to your car, at eighteen you might be able to take therapy sessions on your own, including scheduling and setting them up, depending on either your parents health insurance or a health insurance of your own. In that case, you'd have to arrange your own co-pays and medication, but as a legal adult your dad won't be able to force you to stop seeing your doctor legally (although, if he's petty enough, he might attempt to take you off his insurance. While you can get the Medicaid insurance until you can afford a plan on Obamacare, most states do not have mental health services beyond emergency in-house patient stays and children's 'special needs' services covered under their Medicaid-type plans).
