in theory i can go live with my dad. but my mom is paying for school, and i think it's very likely that if i said right now "i want to move in with dad", she'd say "fine if you're so UNGRATEFUL and DON'T NEED ME you can pay for school on your own."
Spoiler i could lose my car insurance for some reason that's just highlighted to me how much i fail at everything i try? i want to drop school bc i don't like what I'm learning and don't want to use it and don't want to live in this country anyways and i'm shit at it i'm shit at everything i've tried idk i'm back to the quiet resigned sense of "you're going to kill yourself" and there's no point denying it. i accept it. i loop back to this always and i always regret failed attempts and not having done it sooner.
Spoiler "but gills, if you had killed yourself before you wouldn't have gotten to meet your boyfriend!" you're right. if i had killed myself before ever speaking to him we wouldn't have met, and he wouldn't have had to spend money on me, and neither of us would be dealing with panic attacks and loneliness and the aftermath of being apart after meeting. it would be better.
i can't take enough painkillers to actually off myself but i can damn well take enough to keep me buzzy/numb/feeling either sick or very far away
hugs? if you don't like what you're learning in school and you don't want to use it, and it's giving your mom leverage against you moving out, then it may be worth dropping it for now if you need school for long-term economic reasons, you can always do it again when you're in a better place mentally
accepts hugs the biggest thing is if i drop now I'm far enough into the program i still have to pay the rest of my tuition and i also have to pay back my student loans. i'm thinking about trying to get a leave of absence to think about it but my mom will Not like that.
oh ugh, that some bullshit, i'm sorry might be worth trying to couple a leave of absence with getting out of your mom's blast radius so that doesn't hit as hard? (and also so you're the fuck away from your mom) in any case, even with the paying the rest of the tuition thing, i would like to reiterate that there's no sense in doing something that's putting you at immediate suicide risk to save money. like, long term saving and shit is a good idea in general, but it doesn't mean shit if you're not likely to be around to see the effects. also, i know you've been somewhat suicidal for a long time, but looking at the contrast in how you are even between now and when you flew in to vancouver, i think getting out of your immediate trainwreck of a situation has a fairly good chance of taking that from high-key to low-key suicidal
possibly? part of the issue there is that my mom is SUPER volatile rn bc of things with my sisters; she doesn't even want me staying with my younger sister over the weekend right now because i'd be "abandoning her like everyone else". if i take a break AND get out of her house all at once i have no idea what she's going to do. another thing here: my mom is paying for the part of school not covered under loans. she says if i finish school i don't have to pay that part back, and if i drop out then i do. ...there was definitely a noticeable difference when i was out of the house. i didn't want to die at all for about two weeks while i was overseas and when i came back i crashed harder than i have in awhile. not sure if that's due to family or feeling lonely, though.
holy shit, fuck your mom with a rake apologies if i'm telling you shit you already know, but jesus christ that is some abusive bullshit loneliness is probably part of the crash, but i would be willing to wager that the lion's share is your mom also eesh at the stuff with your mom and school debt, you're right that that is a pretty bad and difficult to handle deal. "saving money is no good if you kill yourself" still applies, but you may want to start an ita thread or something to get more and more experienced peoples' advice on how to get out of that, because i am feeling increasingly confident that the best thing you could do for your mental health right now is to get the fuck out of your mom's orbit
yeah, probably. having to come back to her sucked, and she legitimately got worse while i was gone, so. bad times. see, i'm not sure if it would get me out faster to drop now, get a job and make some money and have more to pay back, or continue school for ~7 more months and have less debt. an ita thread would probably be a good idea and i think i'll go make one now.
well. i tried to talk to my mom. me: i haven't wanted to talk about this but i haven't been doing very well mentally lately and i think it's affecting my school and my health and honestly, i've been intensely suicidal and it's getting scary and i don't know if i can deal with it her: you know what this is? textbook manipulation. you're emotionally manipulating me.
is that manipulative???? she's always upset that i don't talk to her so i tried and she directly said "don't tell me about these things"???? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
It's not manipulative. It's just something she doesn't want to hear, which, like....so? Yikes, your mom.
one time my younger sister pointed out that my mom was being manipulative and she said "that hurt my feelings, so now YOU'RE being manipulative."
