Discussion in 'The Undercity' started by Beldaran, Aug 17, 2016.
I am worried about you.
To be fair though: I don't know you. At all. If I'd known you, I likely would have viewed the situation differently, I was just saying what I saw as an individual.
I'm not sure what else to say aside from I'm Sorry, for what it matters.
You may have skimmed the thread too quickly to realize that we've put a good deal of effort into thinking about solutions that would let everyone involved in similar conflicts have some means of emotional catharsis. Thus the solution of making an argument island thread, where the person talked about (you) and the person with the venting thread (OS) would have the option to talk together.
Since you say you unwatched every thread but this one, you may have missed the fact that your goodbye thread has a lot of people expressing regret to see you go and wishing you well. Please do not feel like you are alone and unliked and unwanted. It is simply not true.
i like you, cA. i disagree with you on some things, and i didn't like how you responded in onna's thread, but that doesn't mean i hate you and doesn't mean i want you to leave.
And judging by the response to your leaving thread, a bunch of other people like you too! Having a fight doesn't mean you're being ostracized or have to leave. I mean, if you still want to leave or feel like its what's best for you, then I wish you the best and hope things go well for you. Just didn't want you to feel like you have to leave
okay, to clarify: I do not feel like I have to leave. I am leaving in part because I do not feel safe here anymore, and in part because I feel there are people who do not want me here. I don't enjoy being in places where people do not want me, even if it's only one person, because then that is a person I have to try and avoid and I don't enjoy that. if either of these changes or I learn to tolerate people, even a minority of people, not wanting me around, I may come back. but as it stands right now I really just don't want to be here.
Ah. Well, good fortune.
This is sort of at the core of why it worries me when people jump into things, because it's quite common to only know some of the participants, and to end up defaulting to siding strongly with the person whose side you know and understand. And that ends up not being helpful, even when it's meant well, I think?
This is not the first time this question has come up, and I think it's important to note: We have a lot of moderately traumatized people around here, to whom "there exists a person who expresses hostility to you" is pretty much the same as "everyone hates me". And who will, for instance, tend to assume that any like on a post that appears to agree that their behavior is bad is a statement of "hating" them. And so on.
And we can't expect everyone to be on the hook for explaining, every time, that they don't hate a person, or want them gone, or whatever. But it's important to understand that the issue here isn't a factual claim about the exact number of people who experience an emotion that an independant study would confirm to be "hatred". It's about feeling unwanted, disliked, and so on.
And that's part of why there's so much concern about apparent-dogpiling; because it doesn't take much agreement to lead to someone feeling that they have been agreed to be unwanted, even if that isn't really what happened. And we've lost several users to this kind of thing, and I'm not happy about that, but it's also not clear how to improve it...
Thus, a thread focused on a specific thing where we were clearly having conflicts that could easily be avoided by just having any kind of established protocol or sense of what is or isn't typically-polite or whatever in the first place.
i dont have the spoons to backread rn but if anyone has stuff theyd like to discuss here hello :-O
I hope you don't mind me quoting you here, I thought this encapsulated my current understanding of the social rules for vent threads pretty well and was more topical for this thread.
I strongly dislike "I have feelings whether you like them or not and I'm going to express them wherever I want."
It's reminiecent of unhealthy couples arguing in a grocery store. It's fucking unkind.
Strong negative feelings happen.
The ability to express them is important.
The ability to express them without directly hitting the person(s) they're about, but still in a place where there's the possibility of getting perspective without specifically requesting it, is useful and is part of my use for them.
I use a vent thread as a place where I say what I'm thinking of, without concern for spoiler tags or content warnings, as I please.
I am willing to hear concerns that my use of vent threads is not representative of them, and that they are sometimes used for harm.
I am not even remotely convinced that they yet do more harm than good.
personally i find it completely bizarre that acting directly toward others for minor offenses in ways that would be absolutely considered unacceptable anywhete else can be justified with the sole answer of 'venting' and nobody has given me a reason i can see to move on that.
....okay, since we're mentioning the Skype chat now, I guess, I'm going to say something I didn't feel like saying at the time: that's a different situation from vent threads, which for one thing are in a place that's generally pretty private for being on a public site, and for another are generally understood to be a personal screaming place, as opposed to what Tumblr blogs are.
because this is a mental health community and people are just learning to get in control of their emotions in some cases or know for a fact they can't handle something healthily
so they go to a quieter place to work through the feelings, like self therapy
i'd rather have someone shouting about me and calming down and getting over it or eventually figuring out how to talk, than exploding in my face and walking away flipping me off
my screaming spot's where i'm learning how to actually emotion AT ALL.
tumblr is tumblr. someone screaming in a private place to scream is a world away.
it's fairly similar. personal posts on tumblr can v much be considered from my experience Place To Scream and i still dont see the justification to extend that to Place To Be As Inappropriate As You Want With No Repurcussions
there are repercussions though
nothing is stopping you from commenting on it or starting a thread to talk if you want
like. if u rly need to be that level of violent in response to such a minor slight dont do that in public boly fuck. what happened to shit talkin ppl w ur friend in private where u cant actually hurt them w how petty ur bein
Not only that, but this hypothetical situation is completely different. "Fuck off" and "You are disgusting" are two very different stances to take on a person. It's not applicable.
Kintsugi is based on the premise that nothing anyone can do or say makes it okay to treat them like trash. By logging in, you affirm that you understand this to be the foundational premise of the community. More on our community philosophy here.
Separate names with a comma.