Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by seebs, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. Erica

    Erica occasionally vaguely like a person

    i love how i'm seeing a professional to make me feel better but it mainly seems to make me feel worse i love how i'm constantly afraid she'll call bullshit on me or think i'm making shit up I LOVE HOW I BARELY EVEN TRUST MYSELF NOT TO MAKE SHIT UP bc surely it's not actually that bad i must be exaggerating i love how i can not trust my own emotions for one fucking second before overanalysing everything to hell and back this is Great tm
    i can't believe being Anxious Enough is a concern god i hate myself

    ((FUN FACT SIDENOTE: the fear that she'll call bullshit is not unfounded! when i was 16-17ish and at my worst, which was not actually that bad compared to a lot of other people, when it comes to the whole wanting to live thing i saw a therapist who was working at my school and it took me maybe three, four sessions to work up to the part that was the actual reason i was there, namely that killing myself sounded more appealing the more i thought about it and a new-found fascination with what sharpish objects could do to my skin. so i managed to puah away the guilt and shame for a bit and stutter my way through the confession that i was suicidal and she just... didn't believe me. "why haven't you mentioned this until now," she said, oozing scepticism, and i did not schedule a new session and i did not see anyone else about this for..... a while....... gee fun times))
  2. Deresto

    Deresto Just a critter

    why the fuck do i feel the need to dissect every problem presented to me messily and loudly? example, yesterday my sister underestimated the amount she had to turn on her golf cart at work, and crashed into a tree. no one was hurt but the axle on the cart broke. her boss called her and her passenger (another employee) into his office and told them they were as good as fired, although the second employee could attempt to fight for their job, even though it'd be useless (his exact words as repeated to me).

    now, something with that doesn't sit right with me. she had an accident, the first wrong thing she's ever done there and was in fact a highly wanted employee in just about every section of the park. the employee riding with her is apparently in trouble "by association" and the boss compared it to a police officer pulling someone over for smoking weed, in which the passenger would be in hot water as well.

    i'm upset because 1. it was an accident, not fucking illegal activity, and 2. why the fuck does happening to be in an accident in which you did nothing to cause it mean you're guilty too?

    whenever something like this happens and i see faulty logic (might not be faulty because i'm biased and may just want to see it that way) i feel the need to point it out. if i think it's the person talking to me's fault or no one's fault i will probably try to politely point it out or say nothing depending on how well know them or if it seems like the right thing to say. i know if someone's angry they're not gonna want someone telling them they're being illogical. i do this because i want them to feel better, not feel worse.

    the problem is i was recently informed i have no volume control and talk very "aggressively" in general (which is why i don't talk much about things i like, that's when i'm at my most "aggressive"). so all i'm really doing is scaring them or stressing them out. apparently some people don't talk to me at all because "they don't want to deal with me on top of everything else". i am very sad about this. i don't want to hurt people.
  3. strictly quadrilateral

    strictly quadrilateral alive, alive, alive!

    i'm probably going to have to quit my job and i'm pretty upset about this because i've gotten used to it there and i like it there and i know the people and i don't want to have to start over, i don't want to have to leave
  4. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    Today has been a really, really shitty day, and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better - in fact I'm pretty sure it's going to get a lot worse.
  5. Lambda

    Lambda everything happens so much

    It's weird to imagine that there are people in the world who have no suicidal thoughts at all. Like, my immediate thought is "but they'd have to have some, at least occasionally?? that's just how brains work"

    Weirder to think that maybe the majority of people are that way.
  6. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    I just want. something. not to have to do all this? to just have a person? to just fucking get to cry and talk and it be okay?

    I dunno. :(
    • Like x 1
  7. Ipuntya

    Ipuntya your purple friend

    me and a friend of mine with the same kind of anxiety as me just apology spiraled at each other bc we were worried we were setting off each other's anxiety, before we realized what we actually doing

    i feel like this is the equivalent of two people fleeing from each other in a short circle
    • Like x 5
  8. Sirena

    Sirena sexylikeasirensinger

    omg i feel you

    yesterday my non-romantic beloved and i set each other off. today i think he's fine but he's being quiet probably to give me space but i fucking hate space and time but he was the one who wass mad at me so I'm keeping my ass quiet and pretty sure I'm not driving him crazy but i kinda wish i was driving him crazy because i miss him and need him and just cos we were both assholes at 3am doesn't mean we cant still be besties right? i don't even know if he actually knows that once he's says he's mad I'm not talking to him gain until he's not mad bc all i do is piss people off and just ugh people are so people like.

    i need him but i cant ask him for shit right now. if anybody else is in this boat please commiserate it'd be nice to not be the only one doing the anxiety dance around whose alive and whose dead and whose in between.
    • Like x 2
  9. Sirena

    Sirena sexylikeasirensinger

    whoa are you the same @Kaylotta from the supervillan one? you are the coolest. <bowsandscrapes>
  10. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    @Sirena aw shucks. yeah, that's me, just having fun writing. :) I'm feeling much the same as you right now, though in a different situation - my best friend and I had a blowout yesterday.
  11. Sirena

    Sirena sexylikeasirensinger

    @Kaylotta omfg amazing i cant believe i actually am talking to you seriously you have the best writing skillz and brains goin on ever.

    blowouts suck. real bad. i wish mine would just tell me point blank whether he's still pissed of or if he's just being shut up until I'm done being pissed but seriously I'm like twelve times explodier than he is so I'm waiting for him.

    if u wanna talk about it i can listen and commiserate
  12. Ipuntya

    Ipuntya your purple friend

    the convo was like

    me: hey, i'm getting anxious about our plans

    friend: *getting anxious that i am getting anxious* we must cancel all the plans

    me: huh, what do you mean? oh no oh no are you mad at me? i'm so sorry if i'm troubling your anxiety at all

    friend: no i'm not, sorry, i just don't want to cause anxirty for you so we must cancel the plans

    me: shit, i'm so sorry. you're not doing amything wrong, i was just getting anxious is all. i'm sorry

    friend: i'm really sorry you were getting anxious. it's my fault. i'm so sorry

    me: oh no oh no i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

    friend: no i'm so sorry, don't be sorry. i didn't mean to cause you anxiety. fuck.

    me: ... wait a second

    i think i see what's happening here. um, let's take a step back

    it's actually kinda funny in retrospect, if embarrassing, that this is how it sorta went
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
    • Like x 1
  13. Sirena

    Sirena sexylikeasirensinger

    @Ipuntya we don't usually do that kinda spiral but ours are more like are you mad no are you mad no are you mad no are you mad no are you mad if you fucking ask me again I will be mad!

    Which is stupid. He's still being quiet and went to bed and I'm just annoyed now haha

    Everything is funny in retrospect I think (well mostly). I hope it get better!
  14. Nertbugs

    Nertbugs Information Leafblower

    Everything is awful and everything hurts.

    The upcoming EU Referendum in the UK and all the associated bullshit has worn me down the the point where I spend each day perpetually on the verge of tears. I'm constantly scared and angry. My hair is falling out. My immune system is shot. I'm like a rabbit in headlights.

    We are going to make a huge mistake for stupid reasons. And the kicker is that despite the fact that me and my bf have spent the last year renovating our flat to bump up the resale price, no one knows what the economy will look like if we leave. Which could have a direct effect on our ability to emigrate if we made that choice (which is something we've been seriously considering). I resent the idea that I'd essentially be trapped in a county I want nothing to do with.

    And 99% of my family are pro-leave, and it kills me to see them nodding along with Boris Johnson and making noises about 'controlling our borders' and 'getting our country back'. I want to make a big angry post about it where they can see but 1) the resulting argument would be too much for me and 2) I'm a civil servant and we're in purdah at the moment so I shouldn't technically be saying anything.
  15. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    @Nertbugs sympathies. I just. It's so much too much. (although I'm not in civil service so I imagine it's EVEN MORE too much for you.)

    edit: also if people don't let me vote even though I registered notably before the deadline I'm going to be so mad.
  16. TheMockingCrows

    TheMockingCrows Resident POTSie potato.

    I wish you'd understand that talking to you puts me on edge. Thank you for telling me the message from my aunt, thank you for not just giving my contact info out. Thank you for giving suggestions on what to do instead of 'no, suck it up and talk to the family you've been purposefully avoiding because of abuse and terror'.

    But I'm shaking and shivering and my hands keep going numb, and I ALREADY felt sick today.

    You live within 15 miles of a hung chunk of people who harmed me, and who are in easy contact with someone who made 2 years of my life absolutely fucking terrifying to survive. Thinking of talking with them gives me flashbacks, and in HIS case gives me fucking flashbacks of that SWAT raid in the middle of the night and the constant screaming in that house and never feeling safe.

    I'm so tired. I am so fucking tired of existing, I want it to stop hurting so I can -do- things again, this is ripping me to pieces and my productivity is practically dead and it's just making my brain scream that I'm lazy instead of a shivering, terrified ball of stress and anxiety.

    I /want/ to be on meds again. Please, god, let me see doctors and get treatment. I'll do what they say even if it kills me in the process, it's got to be some kind of better than constantly being the me I am right now. I might be able to get my wheelchair, I could leave the house maybe, I could do the things I liked to do again. I could not want to die every two hours. I could be in less pain. I could be so very much Less bad things and get more Good.
  17. potentially makes mistake, immediately wants to tie cinderblocks to feet and drown self in lake.
  18. Nertbugs

    Nertbugs Information Leafblower

    @Lib if you give your local council a call they should be able to confirm that you're on the register. And I'm pretty sure you don't need a polling card to vote, so if you haven't received yours yet you should still be fine.
    • Like x 1
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Dude: *comes up to my framing counter and says product he bought elsewhere in the store doesn't work*

    Me: well if you'd like to exchange it, you'll have to take it downstairs to the registers.

    Dude: *snaps* no, YOU'RE going to help me!

    Me: *goes cold* I don't have any experience with this product.

    Dude: *snidely* well, you'll just have to figure it out, won't you?

    Me: *grabs a new one from the aisle six feet away, hands it to him, walks away*

    Fuck that guy. This was after my boss had a talk about how my department shouldn't be working with regular customers because it's cutting into our productivity, but every fucking time I try to direct them to the other employees, they get snappy and entitled at me.

    Edit: does not help that once a customer raises their voice at me, I feel shaky and nervous for hours afterward.
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
    • Like x 1
  20. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    @Enzel wowwwww fuck that guy.
    • Like x 1
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