Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

When u royally fuck up and your big sister hates you and everybody hates you. Then what? I didn't mean to I just wanted a friend like she has. Just fuck.

 

I'm not going to be That Person who asks everyone I follow to tag my weird little trigger but EVERY TIME I see a cat's face from a certain angle it triggers a mild but disturbing hallucination and cat pictures are ALL OVER the internet. Tumblr savior only does so much and I can't get my meds adjusted for a few weeks still.

 

the back of my neck is a bloody mess, my fingers are stained red. but i just want to cause myself so much pain i hate myself so much. i am the scummiest. i hate everything i've done. i hate how i keep getting drawn to people who are so bad for me. i hate how i used to stan for them. i hate the things i did to people

 

Spoiler: tw: suicidal ideation

i wonder how close to dying i can get without actually dying. i want too so badly but i can't. it would make me even lesser than the utter trash i am currently since it'd hurt people

 

FUCKKKKK I THINK I FUCKED UP BADLY AND MADE SOMEONE FEEL BAD AND NOW THEY HATE ME
Please I hope they don't hate me :(
It's 6AM why am I even here?? I'm supposed to be sleeping!!

 

Ughhhhh someone in the TMBG fandom is performatively threatening suicide and blaming me and a few other people for it.

I say performatively because this is like, the fifth goddamn time she's done it. She's always very overdramatic about it and as far as I know, she's never made an actual attempt. I was really worried the first few times, but now...now I'm pretty sure she's just doing this to be manipulative. And I do feel bad for her--she's like 14 and is clearly going through some shit. But she's also become such a nasty piece of work. :/

The message they sent me, fwiw:



Like...this is just coming off as very transparently manipulative to me. :/

 

> go on Facebook to post about dad's death
> Facebook: "Happy Father's Day! :D"

thanks.

 

me: *does the thing*
me: why did i do the thing
me: and why don't i know whether i regret it or not

 

Spoiler

I have no reason to be anxious around you, yet here I am, constantly anxious whenever I see you interacting near me. Worried I'm going to be the next one to get barked at over literally fucking nothing because you like to fight so much. I shouldn't be like this, yet here I am. Again. I'm not even part of this discussion and I'm just sitting here counting down on my fingers, anxious and wondering how fast the pattern is going to fulfill itself. I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT. BECAUSE I'M NOT INVOLVED. It's just a constant 'oh, fuck, is today the day I get involved and screamed at?' when I dare to think for long on things at all. auuuggghhhh.

 

@TheMockingCrows witnessed. people that like to fight a lot are scary.

 

I'm not your fucking auspistice, both of you please stop PMing me about how the other person's annoying you and sort it out like adults, I am your mutual friend and I am not going to talk shit about you behind each other's backs

(this is not about anyone on Kintsugi btw)

 

today is a Very Useless Brain Day, all I've been doing is browsing the internet aimlessly and not even getting anything done even though I woke up at like 3:30am and have had plenty of time to do things, I feel like such a sad lump. :(

 

@Salted Earth I'm in day I Can't Remember of exact same situation, and I request permission to be a sad lump with you so we can make a small hill.

 

@TheMockingCrows absolutely, I'd suggest going for the full sandcastle effect and having little leaves on our lumps to stand in for flags but that sounds like Far Too Much Effort right now so let's just imagine we did that instead. (Also I feel you on being on day ??? of that stuff, I am awful at time so stuff like this blends together a looot. I think this is going on a week for me but I just can't remember. :()

 

perhaps if we lay very very still, we will attract the growth of some very attractive moss.

 

fuck

 

...hello


((i'm sorry, i have nothing productive to contribute besides that))

 

yes hello we are the sea lumps, lumps of the sea.
poseidon quivers before us
welcome, moss

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

You know that thing when your cat is yowling and mrrowing and zooming around fighting random things? That´s how I feel except I´m not a cat and cannot just fight the mattress.

 

I feel like such an idiot, like theres no point to me doing or saying anything because it'll just be useless and stupid because I'm useless and stupid. I want to help people, I want to reach out, but I'm too stupid to know what to say or good advice or what to do and I'm scared of talking becaudr what if someone disagrees with me, I'm too stupid and emotional to ever win and it'll just make me feel worse