Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

This just in 37 year old jobless, careerless, 40,000 dollars in debt money sucking leech soon to be 38 year old jobless, careerless, 40,000 dollars in debt money sucking leech.

He sure did something fucking productive with those last two years didn't he!!! Two whole years of sitting on his ass and getting fatter. Net loss of income but net gain of two whole pants sizes and an extra chin! Now That's What I Call Successful Adulthood!

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was

 

what's it like to feel empathy. bc rn i'm feeling that frustration of not having it but knowing i should be feeling SOMETHING rn.

fucking teflon soul up in this bitch, nothin' sticks. "oh no, horrible thing happened to you. that sucks. pat pat. here's several obvious things you're forgetting in your distress that will help. mwah. kees kees ilu, hope that helps. it's ok. yep. it's rlly ok, promise. you don't have to apologize it's okay." with a fucking backdrop of "my tone is totally flat and blank bc i am so goddamn puzzled at what to do rn aside from give advice but you're crying and upset about something i can't even relate to in the slightest and there is just. no feeling there. and i am not a good actor when i'm trying to remember the helpy words.

fucking unfeeling robot person bullshit gets annoying, i can usually do well with this but sometimes it just. doesnt.

 

Nothing like feeling dirty when you go to look at someone who's been liking your fics blog n see they reblogged a 'i support murdering people' dealio that you can probably guess what it is from typical tumblr discourse.

like. you know what happens; the good ol' 'i saw goody proctor with the devil' kinda shit. it's scary and just. no.

 

My carrion conscience pecks and pecks and pecks.

 

fucking lovely

I got a bill in the mail from the psychiatrist that spent most of last year messing with my head and sexually harassing me

didn't actually pay off everything like I thought I did

I really didn't want to look at that name again cool cool cool cool

 

Spoiler: abuse

"you want your ritalin? how about I rant about how proud I am to be TERF and continually tell you to join a bdsm club and talk about my friends' romantic problems and show you my bra first? sound fair, 'good girl panties?'"

yeah s ouNDS LEGIT TO ME

 

fucking fucking fuck I literally had to wave my medicaid card at a dick on the bus to get him to believe I was physically disabled and entitled to one of the front seats on the bus why are people like this

 

My boyfriend's mom keeps harrassing him at random times and I hate having to hear her yelling at him over discord. I wish I could do something but we don't have any room for him and he'd have to move states.

 

Spoiler: suicidal ideation

Robin Williams hanged himself at 63
James Tiptree/Alice Sheldon was 71 when she shot her husband and then put a bullet in her own head

I'm going to have to keep fighting this thing for the rest of my life, and I'll have to consider it a victory if something else gets to kill me

fuck this, fuck you, I WANT MORE LIFE

 

yes brain I'm already anxious so please just give me MORE tiny things to be uncertain about while creating this timeline

with our powers combined we can turn this simple set of instructions into a fractal of ambiguity \o/ \o/ \o/

 

On the plus side "fractal of ambiguity" (and relatedly "ambiguous fractal") is an excellent term and/or band name.

 

Being anxious as heckle about things that are supposed to be fun and distracting from brain weasels sure is a thing that happens.
Writing the one story I've been wanting to write for the past 17 years sure ain't as much fun as I thought it'd be, instead I'm just sitting on my ass staring at the words not getting anything out. Great going, me, great going.

 

tfw you haven't been dwelling on your exes for nearly a week and then your phone gives you a missed group call alert from a skype group you haven't been a part of for eight months

nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice

 

I'm up late crying like a waterfall over shit I thought I dealt with before about how shitty my family members have been to me and how I'm never going to succeed at anything. Someone please talk to me :(

 

Spoiler

Partner is on new meds and told me there's a side effect where they make you irritable and well, they have been SUPER irritable lately and I've been trying to be understanding but it's wearing on me. I don't want to invalidate their feelings esp. because some of the things are legit things to be angry about

Therapist suggested a relationship/feelings talk but I can't do it when they're on edge like this

They don't like the new meds anyway for other reasons but haven't gotten the ok from their doctor to go back to the old ones yet

Spoiler

Spoiler

I love them but for god's sake they need a therapist

I was talking to mine about how I can't figure out when they're expecting too much of me and he said it sounds like they are bringing in their own baggage and misinterpreting me and that's something they need to deal with

I don't know

I have stuff I feel resentful about but I can't tell if it's reasonable or even worth bringing up

I'm just a person, I'm tired and weak and I'm doing my best.

 

Can't sleep, have slept maybe 6 hours in the last 2 days. It's It's bringing out all the grimlins.

Combined with the fact I can't focus worth anything lately and general anxious feelings involving said grimlins making me worry about being able to keep my job has me seriously considering going to my doctor's office and seeing if they can squeeze me in because obviously my meds aren't doing the job anymore

 

I just realized i really legitly have trauma from when my family's cat attacked me wheeeeeee

 

like, i fail to take care of all of a deaf, 16 year old cat with dementia, arthritis, and kidney failure alone for like 2 weeks and my brain tells me i am definitely entirely too irresponsible to own animals for a long time

 

I have aquired proof that the at least five people who told me to just explain my position to my father and he’d understand were all wrong like I said they would be

He lives by the Book and me feeling a way won’t change that

 

plugged in, mostly charged computer that i was actively typing in suddenly tried to put itself into sleep mode.

well im wide the fuck awake and terrified now, wheeeee.