Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

having a minor panic attack. someone near me is in need. I could potentially help. but I really don't think I have the emotional/mental energy to do so. which makes me feel both like shit, for not speaking up, and terrified, that i'll be found out and guilted into helping.

i want to curl up in a bunch of blankets and hide.

 

Here we go again.

 

drove the work car for the first time today, may have made some weird driving faux pas and hopefully didnt actually run a red light. will put it out of my mind for a couple of days until next shift. hopefully nobody calls my boss to complain about someone representing his business driving too slowly and forgetting to turn right instead of go straight at a red. bluh

 

I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to curl up in a blanket and sleep for a week. I've been in panic mode for a solid day and a half now.

 

Gotta love how practically no one on this fucking forum ever responds when I post about my issues.

 

(I don't know if you want a response to this or not. which is probably somewhat ironic.)
I feel bad about not contributing helpful advice when someone is posting about their issues or problems. So i don't know how to respond to a lot of people's posts. I'm sorry :C

 

same here

like, i can do it sometimes, for some people, but not for most people

 

i'm w/ ivy and ua, but would i help if ppl did stuff like said 'witnessed' or 'hugs' so that you knew that they'd at least seen? that doesn't take quite so many spoons as actual advice that someone may or may not actually have to give.

 

It would help immensely, actually.

 

okay! i sometimes read your stuff when i'm not too burnt out, i can def comment from now on 8)

 

my dad insists on forcing me to go to graduation, despite the fact that i am extremely uncomfortable with doing so, and also insists on planning a graduation party for me, to which my friends are not allowed, and only my extended family members, who i detest, are invited

 

So, no real context here but I'm just going to let go because today has been pretty awful in the scheme of things and sure, it's going to sound really petty but...whatever this kind of ruined me today.

I've been off my meds for...months...now. It's not good, I'm on anti-depressants to stem suicidal urges but I ran out of money for them. I ran out of anti-anxiety meds to keep the panic attacks at bay. And now to top it all off my testosterone refill was denied, so I have to call the doctor to get that figured out (but I've got no minutes on my phone and no one to borrow one off of so that's not going to happen). The sudden lack of T has my moods swinging around pretty badly, I'm getting adgiated at the littlest things. Plus everything is physically sore, lower back, knees, and my neck right at the base of my skull which isn't helping my mood.
Today I was supposed to go to the store to buy groceries. I don't have a car or a driver's license because I'm an anxious poor piece of shit so...I rely on my friends for rides. My usual ride left for the week, so I call backup ride a week in advance like 'hey I'll be needing help with grocery store runs'. We got out yesterday - today he tells me he doesn't want to be getting out every day. After he had already agreed to help me. There's...no food in my house. Like...I don't know if he understands what it means to not have food, considering he's lived a nice cushy life and his parents still pay for everything and he's never held a job. But no food means I'm not eating means I feel like shit. I try explaining the situation and he refuses, so...no food for me or my bf today. I can handle it, but the bf has a habit of vocalising his discomfort and it's really been hiking up my stress levels. But I still feel like an asshole for asking my friend to do something he doesn't want to do, I'm such a shitty burden I guess, he's within his rights to not care.
So I decided to try and walk to the grocery store, but with my knees, and back, and...the 100 degree weather I barely managed to not pass out and didn't get there. Strike one for me. Now my mood is unstable, I'm hurt, and hungry, and panicking because I can't do anything to help myself or my bf...I'm useless. He doubts he'll want to get out tomorrow. I offered to pay for gas but it's still a no-go. I don't know what to do...

 

That was my plan for today. PayPal was late getting money to my bank, so yesterday I had to get cheap stuff to just last that day. I tried explaining but I've not gotten any answers so I'm assuming my friend is upset at me, but to be fair I let off some passive aggressive vibes in my last frustrated hungry messages. Because I can't really deal with stress and hunger without being snippy.
I found pasta hiding in the back of the pantry, no sauce but the carbs will keep me from getting low blood sugar I think.

 

I'm okay with telling my family "I don't want kids, don't expect them from me" and "I like girls, that is a thing that's happening and will continue to happen". These were mostly not that hard to do and I knew it would be okay. I have always been like "I don't want kids" and I knew none of them were homophobes, it was fine!!

But I have no concrete evidence for what my family things of trans or nonbinary people. This is very scary.

 

it's the same for me. *hugs*

 

Spoiler: additional shouty times

LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS NATURAL. HUMANS COME FROM NATURE, AND THROUGH THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY ALL MANMADE THINGS ARE NATURAL!!

TO ARGUE THAT SOMETHING ISNT NATURAL, YOu HAVE TO USE SUEPERNATURAL SOURCEES;SUCH AS LITTERAL FUCKIBF MAGIC!!!!!!

ARE YOU SAYING GAY OEOPLE ARE MAGIC?? DID GOD GIFT ME A NONBINARY GENDER, OR DID I SOMEHOW MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL?

go eat your ""natural"" foods (which are literally all GMOs you stupid fucker) you fucking anti-science fuck

this is stupid but I have An Anger

 

Spoiler: CW: Exercise

My treadmill broke and I'm too terrified to go outside and walk around there. I'm also pretty sure I'm too poor to get a new treadmill, and I'm too undisciplined to do things like squats in a way which won't damage myself. This sucks I was honestly trying to exercise. :(

 

Spoiler

why does thsi have to happen to ne why is my dad so awful i want to die i hate everything wht