Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

I was willing to let my weight kill me, but I decide to do something about it when it merely inconveniences me? What's with me?

 

Cognitive bt app talks about "growth mindset" vs "fixed mindset" ie the thing where you just fuckin give up when anything is difficult and i uh hope the video it linked me to gets to how the fuck youre supposed to like....have a growth mindset

how do you not just be mad about being reminded you have the shitty self limiting asshole mindset where you run away from difficult things

 

I'm upset and procrastinating and making things worse and also this means that i need to be vaporized for not trying harder to be nicer to myself lol

 

Spoiler: cut for length and creepy behavior

So somebody I know from passing comments on my fics on AO3 and tumblr has decided that she's in love with me. This is somebody that I've never really talked to aside from some "hey, thanks for the comment" pleasantries, although I expressed sympathy for some rough times she's been going through. Told her I'm married, she said fine but she was going to delete her tumblr to protect me from her advances. Okayyyy, fine. Weird and overdramatic but fine.

I thought it was over, but her comments have been escalating in intensity and how personal they are until they were basically lovebombing. Stuff about how the other writers in the fandom are crap and she's jealous of my wife and how she knows my MBTI from reading the entire 6 year backlog of my tumblr and that tells her SO much about me and makes her love me even more. She eventually leaves this snippy comment a couple days ago about how I reply so much longer to other commenters who leave story-related comments and she's probably making me uncomfortable but I deserve it for making her feel this way about me.

At this point, I tell her yeah, I'm uncomfortable with it and I'm only answering story-related comments from now on. She says that's fine. But in the last two days or so, I've gotten about 6-9 comments on AO3 a day with more lovebombing. I post a few fic and she goes off about how it's obviously aimed at hurting HER, although I still don't know how, and I'm so cruel for toying with her emotions like this but she finds my cruelty hot (????) and also she wants to reenact the porny bits in her bedroom and fuck until the sun goes down but also she hates me so much. It's a lot. I'm a huge conflict-averse wimp, which is why this has been escalating for literal months without me doing anything, but at about 4 pm today, I told her that I told her already she was making me uncomfortable, she's still doing it, and she needs to stop. Then I shut off anon commenting on every single one of my AO3 fics and braced myself for her to make new accounts to tear me a new one.

Which, YEP, she sure did. 28 messages from her shiny new account on tumblr in the four hours until I figured out how to block her on my sideblog. They're all about how she hates me for real, I know she's an abuse victim and how dare I gaslight her, she knows where I live (as in what state) because she found my wife's profile info, she found my Instagram (which I haven't touched in 4 years) and she kept a picture of me and do I want to follow HER on Instagram? Here's her profile! Please tell her what she did wrong! Must our love be secret because I'm afraid my wife will find out? She just wants to be friends! Just wildly swinging between moods between messages, trying to figure out a way to get me to respond.

It is. A lot. Very much a lot. I just joined a small writer's discord for this subset of fandom and part of me wants to ask if she's done this to anyone else or let them know that she might switch to a new object of affection, but I also don't want to seem like I'm shit-stirring.

The worst part is that I'm torn between "I've been manipulated by the experts for the first 30 years of my life, o sweet summer child, your flailing attempts are adorable" and "well, I could've handled it better. Maybe I DID fuck up." And then I remember the bit where she made sure I knew she knew where I lived. (But she would never, ever hurt me, she says, like THAT'S not an alarmingly specific denial.) She's in South America so I'm not worried about her physically turning up, but... yeah. That happened.

 

Well, I think my wallet got stolen, most likely by a coworker. God fucking dammit. The debit card will be a pain in the ass but the drivers license will be much worse.

 

Update: my sibling found it literally five seconds after they walked through the door, in a place I’d already looked three times. So I guess the universe just wanted to fuck with me today

 

Like for your wallet being safe and your coworkers not actually having stooped that low. That sounds like an exhausting day though.

 

My body decided I should be full of pain these last few days.

 

Spoiler: creepy continues

I still have anon comments off but now I'm getting non-anon comments from a new commenter going on with long, effusive praise for fics with lines like "I love you so much I hate you" but that don't have the original creeper's typing style and they're claiming to be a new reader. So now I'm trying to figure out if I'm being paranoid and this hyperbolic personal thing is just how fannish culture works now or if I should block this new account and tell her to knock it off.

I'm not leaving this fandom, gdi, but this is super irksome. This whole thing where I'm gonna be paranoid about comments and tense when I get comment notifications from now on is a pain in the ass. And I'm finding myself afraid to tell people about it because my old abuse instinct is to always hide it and protect shitty people from the consequences of their behavior because what if it's because I AM wrong and people will be mad, but that's bullshit. But I also don't want to seem like I'm starting fandom drama. IDK.

 

update: uninstalled the stupid cognitive behavioural app because it just makes me angry

 

Fuck my energy levels. I spent all day busting ass with helping mom clean. I did rest upright while she tried to take a nap in the garage, had to rest and neglected to cook dinner, (chopping up vegetables for an egg-scramble earlier was a challenge, but it was lunchtime and I skipped breakfast.) Then I declared that I was probably good to completely fluff the upstairs freezer, halfway in an attempt to find something I felt like eating but also because I'm so wired.

That room was full of stagnant energy, and the windows are small so it didn't have any place to go.

 

i can't stop playing stardew valley. ive played like 25 hours this week. it's stressing me out because i haven't done my art hobby. i'm really art blocked. i try to do it sometimes and it just feels so pointless that it's hard to get excited about it like i used to.

 

Feeling kind of rough about my recent birthday. I'm 29. I'm not old, I know, but I'm not young-young any more and I feel like I should have got a lot more done by now :(

 

The trial for the cop who shot teenager Laquan McDonald to death is happening.

Spoiler: shooting death things

I.. guess an expert witness for the defense is saying that most of the many, many bullets were more or less irrelevant to his death because one of the early ones sufficient to kill him? (I’m just so tired. Too tired to confirm details.)

I mean, sure, one of the early shots maybe was fatal enough that the others weren’t necessary to kill him. Maybe he was, not exactly dead, but “in the process of dying”.

That gives us, what, the time honored police practice of shooting dying people??? The completely ethical tradition of pointlessly mutilating human remains with firearms?????

I’m sure there’s a legal reason to work this angle. But damn is that isn’t the weirdest ethics.

 

I'm doing that thing again where I can see that people doing a thing are obviously having lots of fun, I try doing the thing and hate it, and then feel like I'm somehow wrong or broken or stupid for not having fun. Does anyone else do this?

 

The world is topsy-turvy right now... Someone made me realize that empathy could be a selfish act. Not in that it could be used to deny someone else, but it could bring peace to the person performing it.

I also suggested a course of action which I've been trained to view as passive-aggressive, (and it's still ingrained in me as manners to be indirect,) and the person I suggested it to thought it was a kindness. (The short version is that I told her to have someone watch her cook in the hopes that the someone would gain an interest in learning how to cook.)

 

Depending on how selfishness is defined, yes, you're right. It comes up sometimes in philosophy. (I believe that's wrapped up in the idea that human beings are inherently selfish in social contract theory.) If doing nice things makes you feel good in some way, it may not be "true" altruism, because you aren't actually doing something for someone with no benefit to yourself. It's an intangible benefit, but it's there.

When that's part of your definition of selfishness, it doesn't have the same connotations. It not necessarily considered inherently negative, unless you have a very depressing branch of philosophy.

I've always thought it was a feature rather than a flaw in a social species like humans, if one human might feel happy about another human feeling happy. Why on earth would it be a bad thing to find personal benefit and satisfaction in helping other people?

 

After being awake till five in the morning with the worst restless legs I've had in a while, I scrambled out of bed to answer a call earlier than usual, and in the process, trod on my only computing device and broke it beyond repair. I'm in the library on their computer right now because I was so desperate to vent to you all. Thank God my dad will buy me a new one, since I have less than fifty pounds to my name in total and without him I'd be screwed forever because without a computer I can't do any work which might get me any more money.

 

Everything about me is fucking embarrassing and I want to disappear forever. Thirty minutes ago I was cheerfully anticipating playing more Monster Hunter World when I get home, and now I'm just. Fucking hell I wish I were a functional fucking human being.

 

(I think you’re cool.)