Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

it would be nice if when i want to make friends with someone i could just like talk to them instead of making myself sick with anxiety

 

I hate this job, I want out, I want to not be bleeding my life away for other people anymore.

 

I can't stop worrying that I've overreacted about everything, that I was never abused and I'm pathetically attention seeking

and I'm frustrated because I feel like it shouldn't even matter either way at this point, I've been away from it for a couple years now, I've been in trauma therapy, how long until I can just move on?

 

oh good, another one

 

I’ve been having a horrible debilitating dissociation episode nearing 2 months at this point. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know if I can think anymore. I can’t tell if anything is real. I can’t tell if I’m real.

 

Another vent: I didn’t sleep at all last night bc I had some horrible stabbing pain in my ears all night and developed the first fever I’ve had since I was 9 or 10.

 

Uneasy and pissed that somehow I didnt get a notif for the email I was waiting on.
I finally saw the email but for some reason I neither received an alert nor did I see it on my initial look through my mail

It just
Popped up the next time I looked??? And the time stamp indicates it was sent hours ago !

I don't like that, I want to be alerted about the emails I receive

I cannot recall this happening before, and I hope this does not happen again.

 

Refreshes every social media app for ten straight minutes

“WHEN GIVE SEROTONIN. GIVE DOPAMINE NOW!”

Like jeez, brain, eat some oatmeal and chill

 

Spoiler: Postmod mumbling

TBH I feel a lot better being on postmod bc like.

My impulse to say a nasty thing I'm thinking is stopped by the fact that I have to consider the consequences of my actions. If I say "wow user x lol that's a spicy shitty take and you should fuck yourself", that's not productive or helpful and will probably not be approved. Which TBH? Fine by me. It's almost like what a healthy brain person should actually do: pause and think before they speak.

I wish mah brain defaulted to "think thoughts don't have to be spoken thoughts" but I mean that's my life to figure out.

Downside: can't make profile posts and cannot edit posts once tossed into the queue. Also my kintsugi diary is all out of whack, post being eaten and rearranged, but thems the br8ks

 

Loud ears loud ears loud ears I tried to eat potato chips and just the csound of my own crunching is giving me pain

This never used to happen, like even when dealing with school I always had the option of saying lol fuck this i'm not going to stress because it doesn't matter and peace out who gives a fuck. But I can't get a break from this job, I'm supporting my whole family on my own. Spouse seems incapable of getting a call back on applications for even a basic wage slave bull shit job its all on me.

 

Everyone here was right, and I've stopped trying to take the self-publishing writing route which was harming me. I'm much happier staying away from it, and I concede that I was causing a lot of fuss over stuff I was better off not doing and the big fight was my own fault. But that just kinda leaves me at a loss again, because I don't know what I CAN do which is productive. I want to be able to earn, but I'm not employable in the conventional way because of my disability, and my attempts to be self-sufficient have all crashed and burned horribly.

I'm also sad that the blowup over that seems to have caused some people to stop talking to me, and I know it's probably better for all involved for them not to talk to me if stuff I say is offensive or distressing to them but it's still disappointing. I hate fucking up and I hate hurting people, and I know it's inevitable in life, but still.

 

Spoiler: Mom stuff

Calling into work for scheduling reasons, not because it's mother's day.
Anyone at work who knows me knows I hate my mom and I have no kids.
I had to be very vocal about it yesterday just to make it clear I won't be there.
I've got backup plans on backup plans rn.
I have to bring stepmom case of corn today.
I have to put in a leave request form to take my sister to North Carolina, which is a fucking.

Why do I over exert myself like this?
Why do I fucking do this.
Why do I automatically offer to be the good.
I'm so scared for my sister. She's going right back to the woman who abused her and hates her. Plus my other sister who hates her more.

She just wants to see brother so bad.

I'm not looking forward to meeting mom's new man. At all.
Big sigh

 

Spoiler: The only day I like less is Father's Day

I hate Mother's Day so much. There is not a single caring mother figure in my life who is related to me and I am expected and obligated to pretend as though they haven't abused me and made my what I am. They call me a child and a problem and if they knew more they'd say I'm a monster, but really whose fault is it but theirs? Our family is just one long train of mothers teaching daughters to be emotionally unstable monsters.

It's horrifying to look at yourself and see your mother. And then to look at her and see your grandmother. If my great grandmother were alive would I see my grandmother in her? Probably.

 

i've been stressed to fuck and back over deadlines for a solid month and it's really taking a toll. i have only one (1) deadline left and by all means i should be done with that in a matter of three days tops, but im completely paralysed and unable to get myself to do the work. it involves Calling People On The Phone and i just freeze up. the fact ive been sleeping like shit doesn't really help matters, neither does the fact i keep forgetting to eat food like a people. bleargh, eugh, disgusted noise and all that. its rly frustrating.

 

Spoiler: Tmi

Spoiler: ibs talk

catch me crying on the toilet chugging pepto

 

and my fucking neighbours turned on their loud music again. the shouting at 9am wasnt enough? no? not enough for you bastards? no, you're going to make me listen to your dumb fucking music AGAIN? as you have for every other day ive been living here? get some fucking headphones and basic respect for the people around you.
this isnt new but im still mad about it.

 

Spoiler: gross stuff

Yesterday was my birthday, and it involved two hours of dealing with home healthcare aides for my father-in-law, learning that our a/c and furnace needs to be replaced to the tune of $6,000, aaaaaand my FIL dropped his a mostly full colostomy bag in the process of replacing it and I had to clean up both him and the bedroom. I genuine can't tell if my repeated moments of crying in the bathroom for the last couple days are a normal reaction to life stress that I just need to butch out until the home healthcare stuff stops in a few weeks (because they just released him from five months in rehab after a surgery and Medicare is still covering outpatient PT and OT for three weeks or so) or something I need to call my shrink about. Being a full-time caregiver is fun.

 

Spoiler: For Spoiler

Shrink. Definitely shrink

 

last deadline for this semester. im 200 words short, my writing is awful and im so tired that i'm nauseous. and tomorrow's comiccon. no rest for the wicked. i'm never taking a news writing module again, journalism is so very much not my thing

 

Today is Feel Like Garbage Day and i want to not exist