Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

i had to speak publicly and now i want to DIE

 

Spoiler

queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer queer

 

Spoiler

Spoiler: got bad brains

having incredibly toxic brain
urge to shit-stir and scream and get attention is rising
am trying to instead pin down why am feeling such a way but it all circles back to
"HA! you think YOURE awful? oh you are, but holy fuck, i can ABUSE CRUSADE the SHIT outta you and be AWFULER"
which is not helping me productively understand whats going on in my brain at all
like normally id post in my KD thread and just scream at the wall, so to speak, but i'm having intense isolation feelings
and i keep thinking that i am the only person that exists, all others are simulated
and then that dives into insisting i don't exist because no one is around to witness me,
and i'm an unreliable narrator at absolute best
i don't want to always see awful things and make it a pissing contest to either be Better than That or be so much worse than that that i become a villain or something
the impulse and urge to be loud and public and Noticed is painful.
i need to eat dinner and sleep.

 

my phone just bit the fucking bullet. it's so incredibly inconvenient and i'm so dependent on the damn thing for communication, availability, entertainment and convenient information that i want to scream. i cant figure out how to fix it (yes, i did google the issue) and i might end up having to reload my last backup which is from ages ago (bc my backups frequently glitch the fuck out). i just want to fucking holler this didn't have to happen

 

I have so many feelings and things I want to say but I can't begin. There's too much. It's mixed in with the incredibly good and wonderful. But my last message to them is

Are you done? I already said I'm sorry. Please stop.

I don't ask for or want forgiveness. I don't want anything. I just want you to stop.

Stop texting me. I've blocked them. This person I dread talking too. I feel obligated to hang out with, used to live with, who used to call me psychopath in fights and there was nothing I could do or say because I live with them and have no place to go. They physically, psychologically and mentally exhaust me.

Now that I have my own place I can finally say what's on my mind about their behavior. I'm still shaking.

Their behavior was what put me into a psych ward for nearly a month. I can't tell them that. I feel like I owe them for so much. So, if this is how goodbye goes then I'm okay with that. I always knew I was a flake and a coward. I'm fine with that.

 

Six weeks between therapist visits is fucking me up. Letting my birth control scrip lapse is fucking me up. Work politick and socialing is fucking me up. The inevitable fact that we have destroyed our planet is fucking me up.

One day I'm going to stop existing and it's terrifying, man. It could happen at literally any second. Just there one moment, and then?????????

I'm feeling neglected. Unclean. Unkind. I want to unstick the hurt from my chest and punch it the fuck into someone else. I've had enough.

 

My husband's best friend's cancer (non-hodgkin's lymphoma) was going into remission and now it has stopped responding to her chemo and I am so sad and worried. She was going to get a marrow transplant next month and Idk how it's going to go now... shes the only childhood friend my husband has and I know how much he loves her, I've known her for as long as I've known my husband. I am so worried. She is going to be our kid's godmother when we have them. I dont want anything to happen to her.

 

I’m always tired, always sick, and something always hurts but I have no money to actually see a doctor.

 

there was a dumpster fire outside the apartment building and i didn't know what was going on and i saw smoke inside the halls so i called 911 and they reassured me that it's okay and that firefighters were there and also proceeded to misgender me and tldr i'm having a panic attack right now and am shaking uncontrollably

maybe i got too worried bc i also live in the area near the California campfires from the fall but i'm still fucking terrified

 

extracting any paperwork from my uni is a headache and a half and i'm partly convinced i'll never be able to continue studying

 

Current discourse surrounding recent site happenings is making my BPD ass terrified and paranoid. Not like splitting levels of it but it is a bit grating.

 

can we get a "fuck off" reaction

 

So anyway, I guess asking people to tag their fucking fics means I'm an anti-shipper and Drone Season is "policing kinks" now. This is fun!

The worst part is instead of bringing it up to the mods if they had some kind of problem the people in question just made snotty Tumblr posts. Which their friends are going to see and not question and then they're going to go spread misinformation on too, until everyone hates it! Anti-shippers can hate it and anti-antis can hate it and why the fuck am I even bothering with all this fucking effort!?

 

What the actual fuck, how is proper tagging an anti stance???

 

They're pissy that Polyswap mod team asked them to add tags to a Stridercest fic a couple years ago. They think it's because they're ship is being targeted as "bad". Knowing that past and current mods are gleeful shippers of said content themselves, I'm willing to bet there is shit they got in there that has skeevy af undertones, even if they didn't mean to, and THAT is what they were asked to tag, and they're still butt hurt about it. They are also apparently under the impression that Drone Season and Polyswap are run by the same person (hi, me and Scy don't share a body or brain, thanks!) and they're conflating that and the fact that there's some recovering antis or anti victims in the public chat who are still very cautious about talking about their kinks and ships openly. In addition, the "put more sensitive topics here" channel is labeled #quarantine. As in: containment for public safety. They took it to mean "things in here are icky-gross." One of the examples I give of what needs to be in #quarantine was my roommate and former mod's talk about her traumatic experiences serving in the US Navy. Nothing dirty, gross, or even NSFW about that (unless you're specifically talking about he "waffle stomping" story...) but US military service and discussions of abuse are both hot button topics and potential trigger points. So they get quarantined.

But er-go, all of their impressions (and not any actual facts) combined means that what must really be going on is trickery and bias against their fav ship/kink.

 

hell we barely share a continent

also one of our main mods last year shipped stridercest, and one of the new mods this year ships stridercest and I think there's at least one or two others of those nerds that ships stridercest
the amount of us Drone Season and Polyswap mods who have posted shit with Skeevy Undertones or Questionable Shit is like........almost literally All

this kind of sucks, ngl, and I am very tired


Polyswap also got a complaint that it looks like we're trying to make EVERYTHING fluff when actually it's..."some people can't make porn for certain prompts and feel like they've failed if they can't and all the prompts they get are porn. we can't accommodate that, so can you guys split your prompts to be half porn half not porn?" and derse isn't the NSFW swap anyway. it's literally the "you MAY join if you are 18+" swap. BUT ALSO WE REALLY LIKE SEEING PORN COME OUT OF DERSE? and have SAID this

ARRRRRRRGH DEALING WITH PEOPLE IS HARD AND I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT

 

okay that said
100% there are ways Polyswap could Work Better
but it also takes trial and effort and occasionally fucking things up to like. figure that out? hell I learned to sit down harder on what I can and can't create/consume because I wasn't careful with my polyswap signup last year

 

I will say quarantine's perhaps not the best word to be using, perhaps. Granted I can't think of a better one, but I know I'd find it offputting if the ships I like had to be put into quarantine. It's just not a nice word and given the current climate for certain ships I can understand feeling jumpy about it.

 

In general, the ships are talked about openly unless someone asks them to be moved to quarantine. Back in the old HSS server we had a policy of it's basically a free-for-all but with the expectation that we're all adults who can set our own boundaries and make efforts to communicate if the need arises, and be respectful of everyone else.

I've wanted that the be the case for drone season as well and I think I've for the most part accomplished that. Quarantine channel was cribbed directly from HSS as an homage and because that's the terminology that was already in place when I made the participant server. The public server was on the fly last year and set up as a place to invite the public that didn't participate but still wanted to gush about the new content. It didn't even have a quarantine channel; that was requested this year to be copied over to the public server by last year's participants because we were booting them out of the closed server to give it a quick sand and polish.

Over all it's maybe not perfect, but it does the job, honors my roots, and like you said, I can't think of anything else that encompasses the whole idea of it.

 

The closest I can think of is something that involves the word 'heavy' or maybe 'hard'.