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Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by seebs, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    @leitstern I understand the feel, the biggest single motivator for me putting all guns in the direction of getting on antidepressants after I started senior year was seeing how I was almost immediately starting to use alcohol as a way to get homework down. The avoid everything anxiety feel dulls with a depressant but it's. really not a good way to manage things.
    ngl I'd really recommend once your life has stabilized out a bit looking into getting some therapy, maybe? I feel like having some help finding better copes and things like that might be really good for you obvs i dont know the whole situation so its up to you and sorry if i'm being repetitive to something mom's said before or something. apparently i get anxious giving advice all the time now whee
     
  2. TheMockingCrows

    TheMockingCrows Resident POTSie potato.

    ive never heard sleep deprivation being compared to alcohol and. honestly yeah? i'm kind of amazed i never thought of it before like that considering it's something i do too now and then.
     
  3. Verily

    Verily a very ineffective hitman

    Anecdatally, sleep deprivation was part of how my doctor ended up realizing I had low thyroid. I told him I had an easier time with Japanese class if I hadn’t slept the night before. He said, let’s find out what happens when you don’t sleep, and pulled out a large reference book. He read many things and got to temporary elevation of thyroid levels. I said my mom has low thyroid. The look on his face. It was like he was looking into the camera at the office except more Shakespearean and all the world was a camera. I have never before seen a man side eye the entire universe with such impassioned exhaustion. Thyroid disease can be hereditary. In my case it was.

    Another thing is that last I read, which is in fact somewhat out of date, sleep deprivation therapy was found to be extremely effective for some people with depression, which was absolutely my experience. I think it was specifically patients who also had anxiety. For those for whom it was effective, it produced nearly total remission of depression. Unfortunately, the effect is temporary and disappears when the person does get sleep. Partial sleep deprivation therapy also seemed to be effective and a bit less horrible as far as exhaustion and the general ravages of sleep loss. There were theories about how one thing antidepressants have in common, besides elevating serotonin, is suppressing REM sleep.

    For me, sleep loss may have been temporarily alleviating some of the worst of both depression and low thyroid. It was Not Ideal because losing sleep really sucks in the long term. And in the middle term. And during midterms. Medicating the low thyroid and getting therapy for the depression, since I’m very sensitive to serotonin medication and practically get serotonin syndrome if I look at an SSRI too long, was far, far better for me in pretty much every way than having to lose sleep regularly to feel okay for half a day at a time. But there were real reasons why it did make me feel better.
     
    • Informative x 2
  4. Alexand

    Alexand Rhymes with &

    Truth be told I'm sick of people telling me that they're not gonna try to protest their organization's ties to Autism Speaks because there's just ~nothing they can do about it~. Like "oh this organization is so old and established, I have to stay here for the Networking Potential, I can't change anything the higher-ups wanna do" like damn!!!! Get everyone else to leave with you then!!!! The Network Potential can't exist if you dissolve the entire network!! Like "the higher-ups decide that we have to do this huge Autism Speaks fundraiser every year, so that's just how it is," that fundraising money is still in your hands at some point! Learn! To! Embezzle!!!!

    I know that's unrealistic and illegal and whatever but damn! Try something.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  5. leitstern

    leitstern 6730 Shatter Every Sword Break Down Every Door

    So I... scienced myself effectively? cool.......?

    I want to emphasize that I don't want anyone else to learn this bad cope as its deadass wearing nothing but a red flag upon its otherwise bare skin. It enables me to do the bare minimum thing I had to do and leaves me exhausted for the rest of things.

    I slept a lot last night and am marveling that I even made that post because it doesn't really feel like me?

    I feel sort of disappointing right now honestly. Insomnia used to be my biggest demon and conquering it was one of the things that helped me improve my mental health the most. I don't know how I got to the point I am now, where I'm taking things so for granted that I'm willing to lose sleep again, when I spent so much time trying so hard to learn how to sleep.

    @theambernerd I have... such bad AvPD.... to the point where it's just the personality I remember always having and I just consider it me... I've been thinking of getting therapy for years but it was always extra money I didn't dare spend, even if it wasn't a lot of extra money, I was struggling so hard to pay bills and keep up with getting enough clothes for work... maybe now yes I might be able to get a job with a consistent schedule, if I can depend on having a weekday to schedule things in consistently... It feels weird to even imagine. I'm so... desperate honestly to not take time for myself. Taking time for myself is the direct equivalent of saying I'll watch one episode of a show. No I fucking won't. I'll either not start at all or have to spend so much time in it because it takes so much more time and work than I'm willing to spare on myself. I don't know how I'll spend the time unraveling everything I know is just waiting in me when I work, I'm trying to improve my life, I'm married, I need to take care of a spouse, a house, a bank account, SEVERAL social ties... the guilt of having to put something, anything on the backburner to take care of myself is hard for me. I just know it would take so much time if I started, I can't imagine.

    I've had a couple of key memories where I tried to take some time for myself and was reprimanded that it's really hard to get past now I guess. It tends to work better now that I have the ability to discuss and communicate why I need some time for myself and most of the people in my life actually have the context of years of suicidal depression now. But I also remember the years when 'taking care of myself' WAS just vegetating and binge watching shows and spending as much time isolated and alone to cope as I could and... I guess I'm worried that if I try to 'cope' and 'take care of myself' I'll have no idea how to do it right. I'm suspicious that I've never done it right before, because, like...... I'm not really better.

    -u- Ugh well I suppose I probably do really need a professional but if 'taking care of yourself' turns out to mean 'you actually do have to put yourself first' I'm going to take a long time adjusting to that and probably be a little shithead about it. But. As always. That will come when, or if, I ever have the money to breathe. Huzzah.

    Did the plan we have support you going to therapy and stuff? Do you know?
     
  6. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    I didn't really realise it till I freaked out about Something Awful getting hold of my stuff, but I discovered I have a weird inconsistent and solipsistic view of myself and my writing/art/etc. I didn't and don't really care if people I don't like anyway hate my stuff, I was upset that they knew and talked about it at all. I get upset when I put stuff out and no one pays attention to it, but I freak when they do and talk about it when I'm not present. Something about it feels creepy, though I know it's normal and in fact unavoidable that that would happen, but the idea of people talking about me when I'm not there, even if it's positive, is somehow frightening. I... guess it could be high school hangover or something? How my teachers would talk to my parents about my troublesome behaviour before they ever informed me there was a problem? Or maybe just me having problems with the theory of mind?
     
  7. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    I mean, I'm pretty sure I have memories back to when I was in like, middle school where I was vaguely concerned about your degree of self-sacrificing nature, so like, legit. I can see that it's.. pretty entangled and hard to figure out. hence ~professionals~

    as far as cost, uh.. I went to a psych not in the college itself threeish times at SCAD and 2-3 times in MN.. in savannah i remember having to call 2-3 different onces in the recc list i got from my counselor at the college to find one that would take our insurance, but in both cases I don't remember ever receiving a bill for it to my address. I can't guarantee nothing showed up at mom and dad's address and they just took care of it, but i'm pretty sure you can get it covered.. honestly i remember very little about my psych in MN, there is a solid chance i got sent a bill, and sent a picture of it to dad like 'hey is this correct' and he went 'oh i'll sort it' and i never thought of it again because i am much more inherently selfish than you and never paticularly thought about the cost of going to a psych, it was mostly a 'i will not graduate/continue to be employed if i don't do this, i'm doing this, oh wait money exists, mooom' thing.
     
  8. GlassesBlu

    GlassesBlu I'll make noir gayer someday :pensive_clown:

    fear, feels like i'll die, mildness of feeling coupled with accepted self loathing. Fear of political situation, fear of government, looming terror
     
    • Witnessed x 3
    • Agree x 2
  9. whyguy

    whyguy blarg

    my therapist got me to admit that I have a chronic illness. I'd had my monthly migraine the day before, and then I got another one that day, so I didn't have any time to really recover before going back to work

    I think what I'm realizing is the hardest part is just how much of an interruption it is. like I have adhd too, and everyone knows how good we are at maintaining long term goals with interruptions =_=

    idk I'm just having a hard time not feeling guilty all the time for not getting more done. and thinking about it as a chronic illness helps that somewhat, but it's also fucking overwhelming to basically take the blinders off and be like yeah... this is just going to keep happening for the foreseeable future.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  10. Tired and Sad

    Tired and Sad Mostly Just for Anon Venting

    so there's this post, that's basically "i'm tired of people in better places making fun of americans for things we can't control, like health care and such' like while i only semi-agree at the we don't have a lot of power as a people (we have power but it is frequently suppressed via a lot of shitty tactics and also abused by people who promise shit and never do so etc.)

    and then THE AUDACITY of someone to be like. we mock you bc we've run out of sympathy bc we don't see you all protesting like.

    no. fuck off. you're not allowed to BULLY people who are stuck in shitty situations.
     
    • Agree x 4
  11. leitstern

    leitstern 6730 Shatter Every Sword Break Down Every Door

    It’s like I grew up here.... I watched people be murdered fr trying to improve this place.... murdered. All the time. I can only apologize for having been born here so much
     
    • Agree x 3
  12. Aondeug

    Aondeug Ferdinand von Aegir

    The puritanism I see expressed by people on tumblr continues to infuriate me. Especially the bitches who think that shame works as an effective teaching people to stop having sex or at least weird sex. It's not. It's really not. It creates like anxiety problems and the best possible outcome is now the person's developed a shame kink and gets off on the idea of feeling bad about being horny.
     
    • Agree x 4
  13. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    related: honestly, having lived in the uk for a year, the assumption people make when talking to me that i obviously dont want to move back to the states has gotten. reaaally old.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  14. Verily

    Verily a very ineffective hitman

    Because it’s so nice for foreigners in the UK recently? :/
     
    • Agree x 1
  15. Aondeug

    Aondeug Ferdinand von Aegir

    i laugh whenever people from the UK get high and mighty lately because you're one to fucking talk. like yeah you got us kind of beat in some areas but like.

    Fucking Really
     
    • Agree x 3
  16. Verily

    Verily a very ineffective hitman

    I just assume they were totally overcome by BoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. And honestly I can’t blame them too much for that. Intercontinental sympathy.
     
  17. GlassesBlu

    GlassesBlu I'll make noir gayer someday :pensive_clown:

    Fuckin miserable, the stupid door to the bathroom accidentally got locked cause the stupid fucking lock button must have accidentally hit the wall and since its a stupid one way lock and it's the middle of the night the awful thing is locked indefinitely
    I'm miserable i want to shower i want a place available to piss i want to brush my teeth
    I'm miserable i fucking hate doorknobs they either fuckin break or lock with no way to get it meaning i have to fuckin call someone to break it in an allowable way and im so tired of doorknobs i just want to wash and sleep and cram homework and go to school
     
    • Witnessed x 4
  18. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Offended people accidentally on different site; apologised, removed offending comment, and know what I did wrong so it won't happen again, but I still feel pretty crappy. I know the obvious comment is "stop doing offensive things" but sometimes it's hard to tell if it's going to be until after I've said it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2019
  19. anthers

    anthers sleepy

    is there something like impostor syndrome but for friendships / long-term friendships

    inquiring mes would like to know why I feel so shitty about being liked by people
     
    • Witnessed x 3
    • Agree x 1
  20. vuatson

    vuatson [delurks]

    one of my cats died of kidney failure three years ago and now my dog is showing signs of kidney problems

    i do not want this
     
    • Witnessed x 9
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