Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by seebs, Jun 1, 2016.
I'm sick to death of being horrible at everything I try to do.
I was planting strawberry seedlings when I suddenly got really upset on the verge of crying and I still haven't figured out why an hour later
what the heck are you up to, berries.
90% of my emotional breaks (or serious fuckin bends) have housework as their cause. Housework is such a huge fucking deal for me that I don’t understand how it can not be a huge fucking deal for anyone. According to split brain I’m a good housekeeper or else I’m a slug.
Had an UGLY dream about cheating on my wife last night. Cool dream for the literal night of my wedding anniversary?? That was excellent. And I Probably had it because I also got my PERIOD on my wedding anniversary which I super duper loved >u<
Gripes aside we had a great day I just have some concrit about the night :/
I have sufficient ideas for the writing I wanted to do now, but I keep putting it off, and I think my constant demanding reassurance and help is part of the same problem, because I fear all possible outcomes.
1) If people hate it, then I'll have wasted my effort and will have proven myself to suck at the one thing I've always wanted to do.
2) If people love it, then they'll want me to write more, and I fear never being able to come up with any ideas again.
Rationally, I'm aware this is nonsensical, but I don't really know enough pro writers to get an expert view to prove it, and trusting my own judgment is incredibly hard.
I'm currently trying to console a friend who just... has so much trouble and doubt about coming out as trans despite knowing his parents will be accepting and finding every downside to coming out like how his parents probably won't be perfect with pronouns and god damn it I am trying to be sympathetic but fuck what I wouldn't give to be able to just come out to a family I knew was accepting (if not perfect) instead of having a running tally of times I've tried to come out before being shoved back in the closet and/or sent to therapy in order to 'convince' me out of it.
I am actually really worried about my mental health after my sibling moves out. I am going to be really isolated. I'm not going to be okay and I'm not sure what to do about it.
As a library clerk, can you transport to your local library and strike up conversations with your local library clerk. You might get a surly one but 100% there is someone on staff who will talk about crafting, podcasts, herbs, whatever the heck you like and recommend some dumb entertainment for you
Mornings are busier in mot libraries, mid afternoon is slow and you can get some good interaction, especially if you live near a rural library, the best kind
I’m not sure if my local library is open rn - I live in a city and it’s usually busy enough I assumed they shut it down for safety. I will check on that, though, thank you for the suggestion! even if there’s no free clerks there might be some classes or something.
ah nonstop self-hatred and guilt hours, I've (not) missed you
Spoiler: mention of the current riots and all that goes with
All the hurt and destruction in Seattle (as well as other places ofc, I just live only 20 minutes out from the city) got me feeling really down and like I should really be out there with all the other protesters, cause I do 100% oppose police brutality and militarization and all that bullshit, but I'm just... really scared and don't want to be hurt (or increase my risk for COVID exposure) :( But then realizing that I'm not going because I'm scared makes me feel even worse, because I'm sure all the other countless protesters are ALSO scared and don't want to get hurt, and all the people targeted and attacked by cops from the beginning of time have also been scared and don't want to be hurt, so what possible excuse is that for me to use to not get down on the front lines with all the others? I just literally cannot stop thinking of myself as the worst kind of coward and useless White Person (tm) since I'm able-bodied (if small) so there's no good reason I shouldn't be out there fighting.
I'm aware I did a stupid but it feels like an unfair stupid. On another site I got yelled at by a mod for doing a semi-joking psychoanalysis of a character, which yeah, I get wasn't great to do, but the mods on that same site used to do the same thing all the time and didn't explicitly change the rules saying not to anymore, so I thought it was a Thing They Did and did it to match them.
The neighbors pruned their mulberry tree and now the branches don't reach over the fence anymore, and for whatever reason this has completely tanked my mood. I don't know why this, specifically, has done it, but I just feel... bad. On the verge of tears. I thought I would feel better in the morning, but no luck so far. Is this just a change thing? A depression thing? Vitamin deficiency thing? Repressed/redirected grief? All of the above? I don't know. I hope I get over this soon.
update: ate something and felt a lot better
it's weird being a meat computer
thanks for the witnesses :)
For the last few days I’ve been just crying for no real reason and getting annoyed at anything and everything which is not like me in the least. I’m normally very level headed and patient.
It has me worried that something is wrong but I don’t know what it might be.
Spoiler: Spoiled just in case
it doesn’t help that I keep having thoughts and daydreams about my gf catching the virus and dying from it, and once they start I can’t get my thoughts to focus on anything else for awhile afterwards.
Can I just go to sleep and stay that way until the world stops blowing up? Like I don’t want to die or anything but I don’t want to deal with anything right now either and just want to run away and hide from everything
I keep getting told by my roommate that my cat lacks discipline.
Sometimes she won't move from somewhere and when you try to push her, she hisses.
1. I feel it's really not easy to have a disciplined cat. This roommate has never owned a cat, so they don't know what it's like.
2. Whenever I've heard 'your ____ lacks discipline' I've only heard it as a way to subtly insult someone on their parenting. Even if this isn't her intention, it comes off as insulting and better than you attitude.
????? Cats are not generally disciplined? As a principle?
Right??? Like, she knows not to go on kitchen counters and won't eat the other food bowl when we tell her no, but she's gonna be difficult sometimes and not want to get out from under a bed or other shit.
Not to mention, this roommate casually threatens violence on my cat when she is annoyed with her.
Threatening to throw shoes, items, or just hurt her in general. She never has actually done that (as far as I know), but still bothers me.
Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is almost certainly a thing I have, and I can't get to the doctor to discuss it because of lockdown. I wonder if that's why I tend to be so catty and pick fights - at least that removes all doubt that people hate me.
i just got pushed back into even deeper trust issues after being like “hey maybe the trans community isn’t so bad” and i honestly wanna be right but like... no fuck you you damaged me beyond repair and all the dreams i wanted to have are replaced with intense therapy, it is not me who needs to change
So much is happening constantly
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