I'm a frequent lurker, but like. I'm having weird family stuff going on and I kinda wanted to get it out before I head into work. My youngest sister is 13, and apparently she's been sexting this guy in new york, who is 21. She's been apparently doing this for quite some time as they have jokes about deleting their messages to keep it from my mom. My mom, just found out. Like within the hour, an has taken her phone, shut down her chat on world of warcraft, and my sister has lost internet privileges till school starts. Part of me thinks this is harsh, because myself and my other sister are ace so like holding my youngest sister to our standard is unfair. But the other side of me knows that my mom is crazy protective of her kids and always has been. Thoughts? Advice?
1. 13 by 21 is within the creepy zone. The rule is "half age + 7" for acceptable age of the younger participant. In this case, being "generous" on the rounding, the older person should not be having a relationship with someone younger than 17. 2. Your mother is not being "crazy" protective at all. This is quite rational behavior. 3. Advice is to butt out.
I agree that 13 -21 is creepy, but I do think the reaction is a bit harsh, and plenty of that reaction really ought to be going to the 21 year old. Being protective is one thing, but this is a bit much.
If there's any way you can report this guy to the police, I would probably do it. I feel like a 21-year-old sending sexual messages to a 13-year-old is probably illegal?
That question wasn't posed. No. Just, no. No internet for five weeks is perfectly reasonable for this.
Punishing the person who was much more likely to be the victim in an unbalanced relationship is reasonable?
You are advocating right here that there be no repercussion for this behavior by the child. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. You are claiming she has no agency and is only a victim. Given that--given that level of immaturity--that child has no business being on the internet at all. Hence, it still makes sense to bar the child from the internet. Are you going to defend that position?
Kindly do not put words in my mouth. I did not say she had No agency whatsoever. I do however think immediately treating the whole thing as a transgession on her part, rather than bad judgement, is not useful. It will not teach her why this was a bad idea, only that she must keep any sexual life secret from parents lest she be punished. By that logic, my parents should have locked me up after a guy followed me home and groped me in a stairwell because I wasn´t assertive enough to get away beforehand.
I would distinguish between "things were done to you" and "willing participation". A 13-year-old can't "consent", but that doesn't mean they can't be willing or act intentionally. There is definitely a problem with framing it as "punishment", just because that's tactically a bad choice when trying to make a teenager (or much of anyone else) stop doing a thing. On the other hand, probably reasonable to make sure she gets a new phone number, and has no phone or internet until that guy is safely locked up or something. I guess the thing is... Yeah, "bad judgment" is a better description than "transgression", but if her judgment is that bad, it is probably not safe for her to be on the Internet unsupervised.
^Or one could attempt to teach her about why this is a bad idea. Since 13 year olds can in fact sometimes learn things. However vbasically no one teaches you anything about this shit until you fall face deep in it yourself. And as above example shows, sometimes not even then.
Your writing does come of as victim blaming rigorist, and you are also being rather judgemental in general. this may be a reading error, but that´s how it looks from here.
When I was a teenager I had a few friends who sought out relationships with older men. At the time it seemed totally reasonable to me, because my friends were agreeing to it so it had to be okay, right? My only problem was that these guys came across to me as assholes, and I usually felt extremely uncomfortable when they were around. In hindsight, these men were absolutely predatory sleezebags who were manipulating my friends and taking advantage of their lack of experience, vulnerability and desire to be mature and be seen as mature. My friends might have been willing participants, but they were also victims. Your sister is a participant, but she is also a victim. You need to talk to her about this, and explain to her why it is not okay for a twenty one year old man to be sexting a thirteen year old girl. Point out how much it says that nobody his own age is willing to do this with him, and that if she wants to be mature it is important for her to recognise when something is unhealthy, and when someone is a predator. You should tell her that whilst your mothers actions may come across as and feel extremely harsh, may even be rather harsher then needed, those actions are being done because your mother is likely worried and scared. She may be angry, yes, but anger is often a front for fear, and nothing is scarier to a good parent then the idea of someone hurting their child. It sounds to me like your Mother just wants her to be safe. @rigorist You have a point, but you are also doing that thing again where you are Kind Of An Asshole On The Internet. You've admitted having a problem with this before, so perhaps try to keep that in mind?
Also because it came up in the chat: I´d like to point out i was responding to whether the actions were justified, not whether they were understandable. I´m not saying the OPs mother is evil, just that I think her actions are causing harm.
It is possible that you mum was reacting out of fear for your sister's wellbeing and safety, especially if that was her reaction immediately after she found out. However, I think once everyone has calmed down, sitting her down and talking to her about how dangerous the situation is and about how having any kind of sexual contact someone that much older than her is a) (probably?) illegal and b) the older person almost certainly has bad intentions. Talk to her about being careful with adults on the internet and explain to her why this is not okay and why you are worried about her. You don't want to hurt her, and you want her to be safe. I would definitely try to contact the police on this guy. Even if she was contacting this guy because she wanted to, this guy is 21 and what he's done is not okay. I can agree that taking away all her internet privileges could make her become even more secretive, but I think limiting her internet access is not necessarily an overreaction when you find out an adult has been sexting your child. Keeping your child away from the internet is the only way you can protect them immediately in this situation. But yeah, I would try to report this guy because that is not okay and it makes me worry for any other young girls he might have contact with. That is probably what I would do if I was a parent, I think.
Yes. Yes you did. You named this child as nothing but a victim and advocated no punishment whatsoever. If you want to make a more subtle claim, go ahead. But it will be a different claim than your original one. "Bad judgment" vs. "transgression" is not really a meaningful distinction. But the facts as presented are that the child had knowledge she was doing something she should not have been doing in the form of messages about deleting the messages. That indicates she had knowledge of some sort of rule and knowingly transgressed it. Hence, some punishment is in order. I don't think a short vacation from the internet, coupled with some education, is out of line at all. I wholeheartedly agree that some additional education is in order here. No. The child here had sufficient agency to engage in a conversation of some sort. That means participation. That is fundamentally different from an assault.
I am working off the facts presented in the scenario. Now, there may be different and additional facts that could change things and I'm quite willing to modify my conclusions if and when those are presented, but they haven't been presented yet. The question asked by the OP was whether this was "harsh". I have a hard time seeing how a five week vacation from the internet is harsh.
This is a generational gap. For some of us, a five week "vacation" from the internet is five weeks in solitary confinement, because we have little to no other contact with other people in any other way. The effect of this is further exacerbated if the family is abusive. I don't know if the family is abusive.
@rigorist You appear to be reading my words in very bad faith. i am not a lawyer, my phrasing is sometimes inexact. I´m gonna go post elsewere for a bit now, before I lose it entirely.
That's how I'm feeling about it. It's a bad idea to frame it as a transgression, mostly because that might send the message that what really matters is the fact that she broke an arbitrary rule, rather than that she got preyed on by some absolute scumwad. I don't think the parents are being 'crazy' protective at all. If she was deleting the texts, it seems likely to me that she doesn't understand how she was being taken advantage of - and that's an issue it'll take a while (and probably a trained therapist) to fix. In the meantime, I think it's reasonable to establish protective measures, to make sure that he can't get in contact with her again - even if those measures are harsh, or unpleasant. @rigorist Yo, i can see the point you're trying to make, but this ain't Something Awful, or the courtroom. Calm your jets a bit - this is just an internet kvetching thread for a fucked up situation that none of us are involved in, we don't need to argue this stuff down to the ground. Uh. I say this as someone in the same generation, whose social interaction is all online - unless they keep their daughter in a nuclear bunker underground, it's five weeks away from her friends, not five weeks in actual solitary confinement. There's definitely an argument to be had about whether it's appropriate to punish her period, but I don't think there's anything particularly inhumane about that as a punishment.
