Well This Has Gone Completely Pear Shaped

I feel that I want to say I am very dull, and stupid, and get away with it. Well, part of me wants that, and I guess I know I'm not meant to because "getting away with it" is a concern I have.

I want to say that I am dull and stupid without repercussions, but I also don't because that is very unkind, and I do not treat people that way. I am so tired of being kind that I want to cry; I am miserable and it is very unkind of me to leave myself like this, so there is a lot of work to do, and help to ask for, and I'm so tired. I want to curl up in a nest made of pillows and blankets and self loathing with my unbrushed hair and ill-fitting clothes and just marinate in everything self-indulgently awful about myself.

Which is, of course, what I'm doing here in a painfully self-depreciating way.

I am too unhappy to sleep because if I hadn't wasted an entire year doing nothing I'd have a job and feel secure in the fact that I can support my family. My love is miserable in her job; anxious and struggling so badly she ended up in the hospital last night and I wasn't there to help her or do anything at all. And so it is monstrously unfair of me to resist taking care of myself because I will never be in any fit state to care for her if I am not at least somewhat well. And that's the thing, right, because it's not even really my fault that taking care of myself is a chore rather than an instinct and I cannot even blame myself for this in good faith even though I fucking want to.

People want to and do take care of me so it's not like this bullshit is forever; I have therapy in, what, 5 hours?

all i need to do is figure out all i need to do and stop crying over not allowing myself to stay static and unhappy. but it's hard and as much as I want to take care of myself, it feels like i don't want to more.

 

And I'm so fucking quick witted that I'm not allowed any rest because yeah, it's not like I don't see that I'm basing my whole desire for self care in how much others need me instead of in any inherent self worth I have as a person worthy of happiness in my own right.

And I know that reasoning away my miserable feelings as unproductive and unhelpful is itself a problem because if I'm ever going to understand and work with the root issues I need to actually sit with this shit for five minutes instead of problem solving immediately.

And I know that I'm stuck here because no matter how much I think through the fact that I hate where I am the effort it takes to get moving and all the false starts are so discouraging that this familiar unhappiness is at least comfortable in its own twisted way. Which I don't want, but need to understand if I'm ever going to do anything about it.

And it's the doing that's hard because I'm already exhausted with myself, god, listen to me. At least with other people's problems I don't have to be thinking about myself in circles until I just want to retreat to fiction so that I'm quiet for a little while.

And I'm so tired.

 

Thanks. I'm feeling a bit better now that I was able to sleep, but I'm still not happy

A lot of things happened at once; a creepy guy had a very rape themed rant on my girlfriend's Facebook, and was ranting at my husband. Then in a totally unrelated note I learned that she'd driven herself to the hospital with extreme chest pain instead of getting a ride or letting her boss call an ambulance that she wouldn't have had to pay for.

She's okay, it was an anxiety attack, but that means she's feeling so poorly at work that she's having those randomly and I don't want that for her, it's AWFUL.

I don't really want anything out of writing this except sympathy butt pats I suppose, haha. A journal can't go "that sucks" at you, and with a history of being forced to keep all sadness to myself being dramatically pathetic in view of others is kind of a nice self indulgence once in a while. So thank you for reading and letting me know you read.

 

*snickering* Thank you.

 

I will make tea with the spoon your kind encouragement gave me, and it'll be from you in spirit.

This calls for white strawberries and cream tea.

 

I just slept on and off for like 19 hours and in between all that sleeping went to therapy so hopefully this is the beginning of the end of this little tantrum.

Thank you for all of the advice and kind words, you are great and very helpful.

 

Bringin' this thread back because my lovely therapist, who has been affectionately dubbed the "bb therapist" since she was doing a fellowship at the place I go, is done with her fellowship and is moving to California next week. My very last appointment with her is on Monday and, while she's said we can exchange emails to keep up with each other a bit as regular people, we're going to be done with therapy forever.

I'm really really sad that this relationship is ending because it's been going shockingly well, much more helpful than I ever expected really. I'll continue on with someone else after, but I don't WANT to, I want her, and I'm sad, so I'm whining again.

 

I like having my own little thread to be sad in so, update i guess.

Everything happens so much, and all at the same time. Here on the forum, and in real life, and the very real ways that the forum crosses into real life. Yesterday I was ill, and emotionally exhausted, and I can't recover because things just keep happening. Happening and happening and happening.

I would like for there to be less bad things, and less stressful things, and less things in general please.

People are helping me by chatting when I'm upset and helping me around the house, even some of the stress inducing things are canceling each other out. For example, our kintsugi house guest is helping us pack to move this weekend. My loss-of-therapist situation means I don't have to go into the city. Etc.

But. Still. Just... *wordlessly despondent gesturing*