Here is a thing that I learned a long time ago, that was reinforced in my degree program, and that was beautifully encapsulated by an episode of Steven Universe: Don't depend on the people who hurt and abused you for healing. It's not safe; it only gives them the power to keep controlling and hurting you. I'm going to copy and paste some meta that I wrote for that episode a while back. In that episode Steven and Connie recognize that Kevin violated their boundaries when they were Stevonnie, and they are understandably upset. The first amazing thing that this episode does is show that people express anger and hurt differently. Just because Connie wasn’t as passionately vocal about her upset, doesn’t mean it didn’t affect her. Steven and Connie both express things they want from Kevin to help them feel better after what he did to them, things they felt they needed to recover from how he violated their boundaries at the dance. They want him to hear what they have to say, they want to make him think, they want him to feel guilt or remorse or shame. They essentially put their health, their recovery, under the control of the person who hurt them in the first place; the one person they should absolutely not under any circumstances trust with that power. Kevin uses that power to needle them from the moment they’re around him again. And please do notice that Kevin does not care that they are children. Even knowing that they are young, he still treats them badly, tries to get their attention, even flirts with them in a very mocking and uncomfortable way. And THEN, the wonderful thing, the thing that I am constantly telling abuse survivors, was communicated in a childrens’ cartoon: You should never, ever place your recovery in your abuser’s hands in any way, shape, or form. It is not safe to trust them with that power, they will only use it to hurt you further. Setting goals for your recovery that include needing something from your abuser is not safe. Being heard by them, them feeling remorse, them offering an apology, a change in their behavior, admission of their guilt or wrongdoing; NONE of these things are things that you can depend on abusers to give. Even if it feels like it’s needed, even if it feels like you’ll never get over what happpened without these things, it’s not safe, it’s not healthy, and it’s not necessary. The next extremely important thing this episode showed (in a simplistic way) is that that recovery is possible without getting anything from the offender. Without involving the person who hurt you at all. That’s a beautiful message to put in a kids’ show, and I’m so happy. The vast majority of abuse survivors struggle with this, it’s extremely difficult for people to come to this realization and to withdraw that last bit of power from the people who hurt them. The idea that kids could learn something like this at a young age is incredibly important to me. Now, to move on to newer thoughts, I realized recently that though I didn't want anything from my mother, and though I didn't interact with her anymore, it was impossible for me to fully move on and not be afraid because I knew she was out there. I knew other people and animals could and were being hurt. But I was able to thrive in spite of that, even with that little bit of lingering fear. And the thing that really helped me, even more than her inability to continue hurting people, was the chance to care for and watch a kitty that she abused recover and get well. To hear her purr and feel her fur being soft and clean and free of fleas for the first time in years. A decade or more. That's the thing to focus on, the cleaning and the healing, because even if the person who hurt you isn't out there anymore, the person who hurt your friend or your dog or your classmate is. Those hurts need tended to, and the process is gross and hard and healing. It's so incredibly healing. Some people hurt others and don't care. They hurt their loved ones and strangers and children and animals. But they can't be depended on to help heal those wounds or clean up those messes. We can help each other do it though. We can be well without and in spite of them.
ON A DIFFERENT NOTE: COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL COOL. Triggers are so fun to discover. No doubt no doubt no doubt.
Thank you very much for saying so, I'm really glad. It's not something that people can make a one time decision about and suddenly be okay forever, it's really difficult and bound to not feel workable some of the time. I definitely used to wonder if I'd let my mom try to make amends on her deathbed, and if that would help me. When that was no longer an option I felt really disoriented; I didn't realize how much the possibility of even a fake apology meant to me. It's hard, and there is no final success state (or fail state), there's only ongoing conscious effort that gets easier and harder and easier again as things happen.
I have something to talk about. I heard this quote from a guest on a podcast I like and it really struck me in a maybe not so great way. "A man who has his health has 100 goals, a man without his health has 1 goal." The first obvious issue is the gendered phrasing, which is always annoying. I struggled through years of old dead white men talking to and about themselves so I'm super over it. The underlying issue, I think, is the assumption that health is the facilitator of all other worthy things in life and without it one must put all else aside in its pursuit. This not only tosses the chronically ill and disabled under the bus, but also puts forth a very unhealthy method for achieving health. It seems to me that perusing one's interests and goals should, if done in healthy and holistic ways, facilitate some level of health in and of itself. Focusing single mindedly on this or that person's ideal of health seems like a really good way to disorder the rest of one's life. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Oh gosh, I had a picture of the wall of a pharmacy where they’d painted a seemingly harmless quote about health. It was a more positive sounding spin on the idea that health is the basis of everything positive in life. I think I deleted the photo out of disgust when I finished mocking it. Oh well. I don’t remember it having obnoxious gendered phrasing so I guess that’s something. But it was painted on the wall of a fickin pharmacy, so I was pretty mad. How many customers who will never be in good health are being invalidated while paying for their meds? Good job guys. I’ve noticed for myself that I have a tendency to prioritize my sleep problems over everything in my life. To an extent it’s probably inevitable, since losing sleep does have a broad effect. Maybe it does even prevent me from ignoring the problem. But I think I do it too much. I often feel like I can’t get anything done if my sleep is fucked, which simply isn’t true or helpful. There’s taking the problem seriously, then there’s making it the miserable center of your whole life.
I interpreted it differently, but I agree with your interpretation (and think that it's probably the intended interpretation). In my naivete, I was like "Oh! Yes, I often have many fewer goals than my peers because I'm chronically ill and that's okay. I don't have to do all the shit to have a good and fulfilling life." I guess I took it as a way of acknowledging that kind of thing. But yeah, in rereading, I see that it probably was not at all meant that way. There is a bit of truth in it, I think, despite its shittiness. My health is honestly on my mind quite a bit, and a lot of what I do is to preserve it. However, I'm preserving it so that I can do the things I want to and live a fulfilling life. It's not my only goal, sure, but it's a big priority for me. And it needs to be, because I don't want to physically feel sick all the time. That would cause so much more unhealthy life disruption than this does.
Ugh. I've lost exactly half of the amount of weight I'd like to lose and now I'm just stuck. It is mega frustrating and demoralizing. I both knew this would happen and didn't anticipate it at all. Being demoralized isn't the best thing for putting more work into something. I really wish I'd started being more active before this slump. (Guess that's just another thing my mom ruined. /jk) I really need to commit to the low sugar/low caffeine thing. Sugar reliably gives me a terrible headache, and large amounts of caffeine dramatically affects my mood. Neither of these things even give me more energy, fuckin useless. They taste so delicious tho...
Oh, I'm fine with tea. It's that I think redbull tastes good is the problem. X3 I'm also fine with natural sugar like fruit and corn, just not ice cream or pop. I don't eat/drink a lot of those things in the first place, but sometimes candy is the easiest/most alluring snack even when other more delicious things exist.
Stevia is a really good sweetner for a low-sugar diet. Low glycemic index &tc. https://snowflakescandy.com/ These are also pretty good and they send coupons in emails pretty often. The lemon, strawberry, and peppermint are a staple in our house. ( Xylitol for sweet taste. )
That is so kind of you to find these for me! Unfortunately I'm allergic to sugar substitutes, everything from aspartame to really harmless seeming natural sugar subs you find in the hippy store. They make my throat swell up, not enough to be dangerous but quite enough to be getting along with. I genuinely prefer fruit and berries to most snacks and candy, and I've also had some luck with Nature Box snacks. It's just lately something about being depressed and not losing weight and the weather changing has led to me craving things that I find no joy in and that make me nauseous. I think it might be food insecurity related; when things are stressful and alarming one's first instinct is to run home, even when home isn't comfortable, safe, or nourishing. I was unfortunately raised on fast food and cheap easy junk that makes me sick, but it's hard to argue with the freaked out monkey brain.
While I have my computer for a second, I need to remember to throw my VERY MOST IMPORTANT reaction image somewhere I can access. You're welcome.
The job interview today went really really well! The position is as a clinician and counselor at an addiction stabilization and recovery treatment facility. The lady interviewing me both seemed really enthusiastic about me working there and so talkative that she didn't get to ask me a lot of questions. XD She took me around to introduce me to everyone and half way through forgot she hadn't already hired me and told people I was going to be coming on as a clinician. That seemed like a very good sign. Hopefully they'll get back to me soon, she assured me it might take them a little bit but they weren't going to sideline me, thank goodness. It's so frustrating when other places do that.
Genetics has finally done a nice thing for me. I've lost a pretty dramatic amount of weight from my waist while my hips and butt remain intact. Spoiler: Pls ignore smudgy mirror
