You know, thank you @hyperfuck. I want my mom to feel the internet's dismayed outrage even as she haunts the shitty empty lot we buried her in.
Spoiler: brain word dump it's stupid, so stupid. annoying and stupid. sorry. ridiculous and annoying and stupid. god. just fucking one shot me, yeah? in front of god and everybody. i must have fucking. been so annoying for that to happen. stupid and annoying and bad. i didn't mean to be. i'm sorry. i'm always sorry. i didn't want this to be happening and it's bad. i didn't want. i'm sorry. i didn't want to talk about this. people have been good but i don't want there to be a vote, or a public debate, on me and if i'm allowed to talk about. bad things. i don't want this to be happening and it just IS and keeps going. sorry. i didn't mean to be annoying. i said that i didn't want. doesn't matter though. just don't be annoying. stupid. i feel so bad. and small and gross and bad. stupid annoying bullshit brain screaming at me. "don't tell anyone." i want to stop. "she said about the bad thing, that makes her bad. get her." i'd like to be done. if that's okay of course. "don't do that" is nothing so why should this be any different. "i don't want to do that, i don't want that to happen. i don't want this to be a thing." don't. don't don't don'tdon't. i didn't mean to. god just. sorry. it's fine. i'm sorry. everything's fine. sorry. how are you?
hey, I can't blame you for feeling the way that you're feeling but you are absolutely allowed to talk about the stuff that bothers/upsets you. you belong here as much as anyone else does. *hugs if wanted*
Yeah, that whole interaction was some straight up bullshit (not because of your behaviour at all, I would add.). Please take some time for self care and feel better.
A small work update: we're almost full staffed and I'm about to start LADAC I courses after the new year! Less exciting update, that complete buttface who I couldn't work with before is back on Saturdays. And like, there is no winning. She's there for a full shift doing fuckall and I'm mad about it. She leaves 3 hours early and I'm telling everybody. Her first day back she rambled about her wedding to us like we gave a shit and then left early without doing her fair share of the work. Second Saturday she called another co-worker a bitch to her fucking face and to a detox clinician on her way out, early again. Third week she no call, no showed. How does she fucking live this way? I'd die of humiliation being her.
I'm having a difficult time with my weight and self esteem. Like, I bought clothes that fit after months of wearing things that were way too big, now I've gained 15 pounds and they don't fucking fit anymore. Like, I can still wear them but they're uncomfortable, tight, and ugly. That feels like a huge amount of weight, but I have to remind myself that I lost like 50 pounds all together so it's not that bad. It's just really disappointing though. Working hasn't helped because while I'm a bit more active I'm a LOT more tired so I hadn't had the energy to keep track of how much I was eating. I also was eating out a lot because I wanted something nice after work and out food processes as a present to my brain. I've also just been depressed and anxious so that's going to cause weight gain for me too. But I'm upset! I didn't want to gain weight back and it was so nice to be successful for a while. A long while! And I mean, I guess losing that 50 pounds took a year+ and gaining 15 also took almost a year, so it's a slow process in which I'm still making progress. But fuck! Fucking hell fuck damn it! I've also just started my first ever antianxiety/antidepressant, which has minor weight gain as a possible side effect and aaaaaaa! No! I want to be less anxious/depressed so that I can lose weight (though not only for that reason), not gain it. Argh!
