Well This Has Gone Completely Pear Shaped

Honestly, given your mom, I am basically just relieved. An entire category of "so here's all sorts of horrible shit that could happen to one of my friends" has just gone away.

It's probably gonna be rough and full of emotions regardless, but the big take-home for me is "Beldaran is safer now". But I hope she finds peace now.

 

I tried calling my youngest brother Joe at my dad's insistence and he was at my mom's apartment checking on her cats and neither of us could really say anything. I was crying and he started crying and said he'd call back later.

I don't feel like I should be crying at him when he was the one taking care of her and found her. He was all she had and I was gone. I don't know what he'd find more upsetting, me crying or me not crying.

 

I'm sorry Beldaran. I know it's mixed feels, but it's still gotta be hard.

 

I wanted to thank everyone for the very kind messages here. They've helped a lot.

I've been helping my dad contact my mom's family (we didn't have any contact info for anyone) and talking to them is like...

They didn't know how my mom was. She left home at 16 and kept in some contact until I was a teenager, but not a ton. Like, a few times a year. Then she totally cut contact with basically everyone and isolated herself and us. They didn't KNOW her. And hearing them talk about her and about how I must be feeling is like being gaslighted en mass. It's so fucking uncomfortable.

She wanted to be cremated (thank God, THANK GOD, I would not be able to go look at her body and I don't want people trying to make me) and my dad and brothers were thinking to do a ceremony with her ashes where her house used to be. The house I grew up in is gone, including the trees that were there, but the lot still belongs to my dad.

Like...

I'm pretty sure that dumping her ashes in the spot I was fucking tortured for almost two decades makes that land officially cursed. I feel like I should go back when no ones around to burn some sage or something.

I bought tickets to fly there today. Like, bought the tickets AND am flying there today. Instantly upon committing to that (expensive) decision I realized how much I do not want to do this. Not the rushing around today or the pretending or being away from my husband and girlfriend. We can't afford this and there are farm veggies for me to take care of and just. Ugh.

 

I needed to preserve this here because I am rolling. Exactly that. Yes. Perfect. XD

 

Thank you both, this has been helpful. I've actually lost the ability to cry since coming back to my hometown, but I think that's a comfort/safety thing. My younger middle brother hasn't cried either tho, so at least it's not completely awkward. My youngest brother also finally stopped crying, which is good. I was getting really worried, days and days of crying.

Thank all of you guys for your support. It really helped me to not feel like a broken weirdo in all of this. I don't have many places I can go to her the kind of sympathy I actually need. I am exhausted with hearing how sorry people are for my loss and how sad I must be feeling.

Thank you for actually being there for me, and not just the idea of me.

I've said this elsewhere, but this was actually an incredibly powerful thing for me to read.

It's like... Okay, so it's pretty common for many people, especially women, to hear things like "you're so pretty" and for that to not land. Like, it seems so untrue as to be ridiculous. I realized that that's how I felt about "you're safe now" my entire life, even after I was quite safe. That post was the first time those words ever really landed for me, it was a powerful experience and I wanted to thank you for being part of it.

That therapy appointment was kind of wild. XD

My therapist was a very good sport and she mostly seemed regretful that she didn't know me well enough to know what I needed automatically. She's going to be great.

Thank you. Even just the mixed feelings themselves are hard. I go from feeling nothing/anxious crying to being very angry, and from happy to see my family to awkward. I'm really happy I got to spend time with my brothers and all these other people. I'm not even upset by the circumstances, but I wish people would stop trying to tell me how I feel.

I had more written out but this cat erased it with with his big dumb head. I'll report back on the wake and things later. Thank all of you again.

 

I've decided that the pairings in Harvest Moon 64 are all wrong.

Right now its
Popouri-Grey (terrible, ooc, boring)
Anne-Cliff (terrible, ooc, boring)
Ellie-Bakery Dude (GROSS)
Maria-Harris (Kinda gross)
Karen-Kai (okay)

A much better arrangement:
Popouri-Cliff
Anne-Ellie
Maria-Grey
Karen-Kai

I have a lot of feelings and meta analysis about this almost 20 year old game. >>;

In other news, I'm home from my trip and want to write more about that soon, but for now it's time for playing and complaining about old videogames.

 

Okay, having gotten farther in the game I've revised my pairings to have the player marry Ellie and Ann stay single forever because she's a horrible abusive jerk. Half the time I talk to her husband he's got a black eye from a fight the night before, and she demeans him all the time, even complains about him looking happy at the harvest festival. Ugh. Women abusing their husbands isn't cute, game! Popouri would never hit him. Be nice to my in game best friend. :c

 

Fuck it, I ship the player character and Cliff now. He's my farm husband. Screw you game.

 

I missed therapy and trauma sensitive yoga today because I felt too anxious and overwhelmed to get everything done. I spent all day struggling though editing one short little thing, getting it back to the person way late, and still have to write a Harry Potter LARP script for this weekend and email it to the church ladies. The pest guy came over today for like 3 minutes and complemented our clean kitchen, so that was nice, and the maintenance people power washed our balcony. They did it without coming inside or knocking or anything, just suddenly dudes on the third story. I didn't even see a ladder, I don't know what the fuck.

I want to throw up and cry, I'm so anxious for no reason I can immediately identify and fix.

 

Kimchi time! I definitely got one too few cabbages but I can probably freeze the extra paste and use it in the future. Also I wanted to use all farmers market veggies (except the buchu) so I used white turnips instead of Korean radishes. It'll prooobably be fine.

 

I suggested to my new therapist today that I might want to read "The Body Keeps The Score" and talk with her about it and she got really excited. She wants to read it along with me so that we can have a common language to discuss things. I'm really happy about how engaged she is.

I also did trauma sensitive yoga today with the new instructor. She's much more chatty and I'm comfortable enough with the yoga thing now that I'm okay with that. There were two other women in class with me today; I'm glad that I'm not there by myself again because I feel bad doing a whole private yoga session for 5 dollars.

The kimchi is continuing to ferment and bubble, I'm going to put it in the fridge tonight. I also need to clean and cook tomorrow, this chicken is about to go off.

I really really really want to be writing again! Not having constant free access to my computer is really messing with my ability to do that. My brain is itching tho, must write!

Also I need to play the homestuck game, Tumblr is wall to wall spoilers, aaaaaaa

 

Oh man, that'd be awesome! Who wants to start a book club?