Part of this is asking for some help re: my girlfriend, but I'm also going to use this thread to record things. (Hopefully this will help me keep an eye on things as they develop because I know I tend to either blow things out of proportion or minimize them.) So my girlfriend, I'll call her Ariel, and I have been dating for about nine months. We go to the same college and started rooming together for this year. Everything was really great for the first seven months or so! When we started dating, I was very open about being polyamorous and having a QPP with a girl in Vermont who I'll call Dove. She (Ariel) had a boyfriend, and was not polyamorous, but ultimately decided she wanted to try dating me. Initially, she and her boyfriend wanted to try making us a triad, which I was down for because he was cute and sweet and funny. But then over the summer, when he and I were hanging out and flirting without her, she lost her shit because she felt like we were going to leave her for each other and felt that he was putting more effort into his relationship with me than his with her. And then they broke up for a few weeks, and she said she'd be really upset if I started dating him right after that, which I understand, so I kinda put it on hold. And even though I like him, my interest hasn't returned to where it was in the early summer and I just doubt it's going to happen. While this was going on, I was interacting a lot with another friend I'd made that year, Forest. A friend I had a very obvious crush on and was interested in. At first, Ariel had been okay with this, even telling both of us that if we started dating, she wouldn't mind. And then when we actually said we wanted to date, and I asked her again to make sure she was okay with it, she wasn't. She didn't give me an ultimatum, him or her, or anything. I had to pull it out of her that she wasn't comfortable with it because she apparently felt when I first asked that if she said she didn't want us to, I'd be mad and call her a bad girlfriend. But I asked because I wanted to make sure she felt okay with it, and when she said she didn't, I wanted to know why to try and fix it. Putting any potential relationship on hold to focus on her made sense to me because, well, I was dating her first. And if she felt I was ignoring her or that I was going to just going move on and leave her behind, that was something I wanted to address first. So that's what I did, and we talked it out, and after a few weeks she said she didn't feel like that was a problem anymore. So I brought up dating Forest. And her issue wasn't that she felt I was ignoring her for him, it was that he plans on going abroad and I won't follow him, and I'm terrible at LDRs, so clearly we'll just break up within two years and trying to date him is pointless. Which I fundamentally disagree with. I don't think not dating a person because you might not last is a good reason, at least for me. (I understand that it can be for other people). I think trying is important. And if I followed her reasoning, I should never have started dating her in the first place, because she was in a committed relationship with her boyfriend at the time (and still is currently), didn't consider herself polyam at all, and plans on marrying him. Not dating another person because we were having problems was a good reason to me. But if we aren't having problems, and I want to date another person, I'll probably start dating them. I made no secret when we started dating that I would want to date other people. (I feel like if this wasn't clear, then we were probably still having problems when I started dating Forest, and she just wasn't telling me.) So I started dating him, which upset her. And at one point I told her, "You're dating someone who's poly, what were you expecting?" Which. I kinda regret because I said it to be mean, but it's also true. Anyway, since I started to date Forest, Ariel has decided that he is The Worst and hates him. She insists these are things she felt before I started dating him, and I guess it's possible, but she never acted like she disliked him before. She's also told me repeatedly that she thinks he's terrible for me and that my relationship with him is "inherently abusive." She has called him to his face manipulative of my time and abusive of me. She has told him that she doesn't like him and that they're only friends because they share an SO, because she "didn't want [him] to forget." I never know when I can have the both of them interact and it won't end in verbal bloodshed. (Part of it is that she constantly demands a level of social awareness from Forest that *neither* Forest nor I have because we're both autistic...And I've told her this and her defense is usually either Forest should know better because being autistic isn't an excuse or that she was tired.) Compounding this, about a month ago, Ariel and I had a big fight. Part of it came down to a conflict in brain weasels. We're both paranoid, but mine is that I feel like I'm being spied on and hers is that she feels like people are plotting against her. (I get that these aren't usually separate, but I don't generally think of people as plotting against me and she generally doesn't feel like she's being spied on, so they are for us. She kept reading my private text messages (over my shoulder, never without me around) and I kept being cagey and wanting her to stop... and it just didn't go well. We did talk that out! And have a way going forward that might not work but we're at least willing to try. But she also seems way too controlling of my time and that. hasn't been addressed. We live together right now. I spend almost all of my time with her. When I want to spend time alone with Forest (who I barely see) or time with my other friends, she acts like I never spend any time with her. It isn't even just that I want to spend time with other people. I'd like to be able to go do something and just spend time by myself at this point without having to justify it. I don't know how to fix this. She says that the time I spend with her doing homework or going grocery shopping or other errands doesn't count as spending time with her (but somehow doing those same things with Forest does?). She also wants us to get married because her parents are moving states and when that happens, she won't be an in-state student anymore. She can't marry her boyfriend because they're having problems (which I'm not entirely clear on because not my relationship and also wouldn't share because not my relationship) so she wants to marry me. And at first I wanted to too. But now I don't anymore because she told me that the fight we had isn't over and I said I can't keep our relationship problems separate from us getting married. But she can and she's upset that I can't, because if she can clearly I should too. And then there's other stuff that I can't tell if it matters because Ariel insists that it does't but. It's been eating at me. I openly identify as nb/agender. And I've decided that with that, I want to use gender-neutral pronouns like ze/zir or they/them. Ariel has said that she absolutely won't use ze/zir because they aren't real/aren't English which I disagree with but I figured she'd use they/them (and I understand that they/them is easier to use IRL). Only she recently told me that they/them was also too hard and she just wasn't going to use it anymore. So now we're back to using my assigned pronouns which. I thought wouldn't bother me (esp. because she was terrible about remembering anyone's pronouns so whatever) but the fact that she also actively tries to use they/them pronouns for other people is actually really pissing me off. Additionally, I've said that I'm considering doing hormones in several years. I also wear a binder on occasion. Neither of those things has anything to do with physical dysphoria - I like my body and feel comfortable in it. But I hate being continuously (mis)gendered, enough that I'm considering some kind of "transition." Despite being okay with hormones, I have absolutely zero interest in any kind of surgery. Ariel insists, however, that I need top surgery to "really" "transition" despite me repeatedly telling her I like and am comfortable with my boobs and don't want to remove them. She's also told me repeatedly that she considers my relationship with Forest to be straight and that it's part of her issue with me dating him and feeling like I like him more (because "het > gay"), despite neither Forest nor I IDing as cis. Which is both a) a personal problem tbh and b) really irritating misgendering of both of us. She makes fun of the fact that I'm afraid of going down stairs. Usually this isn't a major impediment to my life, but sometimes I really have trouble doing it and she acts like it's a personal insult? that I go slowly down stairs when that happens? She also plans on selling her eggs, which is fine, but is ... angry? offended? idk that I'm not. I told her that I would feel attached to any children created from my eggs and she told me that that was "really fucked up" and not a good enough reason for not selling my eggs. I don't understand why I need a better reason that "I don't want to." Dove is really really upset about all of this too. Dove and Ariel never really hit it off (Ariel only brings Dove as a gotcha when she thinks I'm violating Ariel and I's relationship) but ever since Ariel and I started having these problems, Dove has been pretty adamant that they way Ariel treats me is wrong. I don't know. I still feel like I'm culpable for a lot of the problems Ariel and I are having. Not sure there's any real advice anyone can give (other than maybe how to set time boundaries with a person I live with/am dating), I just wanted to get this written down. Dove has been lowkey insistent that she thinks Ariel is being abusive and that this could escalate. I think this was pretty all over the place so I'm just gonna post and come back to it. EDIT: I referred to my QPP as both Dove and Bird. I have changed all instances of "Bird" into "Dove" because it's literally the same person.