Welp. We broke up

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by idiomie, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Part of this is asking for some help re: my girlfriend, but I'm also going to use this thread to record things. (Hopefully this will help me keep an eye on things as they develop because I know I tend to either blow things out of proportion or minimize them.)

    So my girlfriend, I'll call her Ariel, and I have been dating for about nine months. We go to the same college and started rooming together for this year. Everything was really great for the first seven months or so! When we started dating, I was very open about being polyamorous and having a QPP with a girl in Vermont who I'll call Dove. She (Ariel) had a boyfriend, and was not polyamorous, but ultimately decided she wanted to try dating me.

    Initially, she and her boyfriend wanted to try making us a triad, which I was down for because he was cute and sweet and funny. But then over the summer, when he and I were hanging out and flirting without her, she lost her shit because she felt like we were going to leave her for each other and felt that he was putting more effort into his relationship with me than his with her. And then they broke up for a few weeks, and she said she'd be really upset if I started dating him right after that, which I understand, so I kinda put it on hold. And even though I like him, my interest hasn't returned to where it was in the early summer and I just doubt it's going to happen.

    While this was going on, I was interacting a lot with another friend I'd made that year, Forest. A friend I had a very obvious crush on and was interested in. At first, Ariel had been okay with this, even telling both of us that if we started dating, she wouldn't mind. And then when we actually said we wanted to date, and I asked her again to make sure she was okay with it, she wasn't.

    She didn't give me an ultimatum, him or her, or anything. I had to pull it out of her that she wasn't comfortable with it because she apparently felt when I first asked that if she said she didn't want us to, I'd be mad and call her a bad girlfriend. But I asked because I wanted to make sure she felt okay with it, and when she said she didn't, I wanted to know why to try and fix it.

    Putting any potential relationship on hold to focus on her made sense to me because, well, I was dating her first. And if she felt I was ignoring her or that I was going to just going move on and leave her behind, that was something I wanted to address first. So that's what I did, and we talked it out, and after a few weeks she said she didn't feel like that was a problem anymore.

    So I brought up dating Forest. And her issue wasn't that she felt I was ignoring her for him, it was that he plans on going abroad and I won't follow him, and I'm terrible at LDRs, so clearly we'll just break up within two years and trying to date him is pointless.

    Which I fundamentally disagree with. I don't think not dating a person because you might not last is a good reason, at least for me. (I understand that it can be for other people). I think trying is important. And if I followed her reasoning, I should never have started dating her in the first place, because she was in a committed relationship with her boyfriend at the time (and still is currently), didn't consider herself polyam at all, and plans on marrying him.

    Not dating another person because we were having problems was a good reason to me. But if we aren't having problems, and I want to date another person, I'll probably start dating them. I made no secret when we started dating that I would want to date other people. (I feel like if this wasn't clear, then we were probably still having problems when I started dating Forest, and she just wasn't telling me.)

    So I started dating him, which upset her. And at one point I told her, "You're dating someone who's poly, what were you expecting?" Which. I kinda regret because I said it to be mean, but it's also true.

    Anyway, since I started to date Forest, Ariel has decided that he is The Worst and hates him. She insists these are things she felt before I started dating him, and I guess it's possible, but she never acted like she disliked him before. She's also told me repeatedly that she thinks he's terrible for me and that my relationship with him is "inherently abusive." She has called him to his face manipulative of my time and abusive of me. She has told him that she doesn't like him and that they're only friends because they share an SO, because she "didn't want [him] to forget." I never know when I can have the both of them interact and it won't end in verbal bloodshed. (Part of it is that she constantly demands a level of social awareness from Forest that *neither* Forest nor I have because we're both autistic...And I've told her this and her defense is usually either Forest should know better because being autistic isn't an excuse or that she was tired.)

    Compounding this, about a month ago, Ariel and I had a big fight. Part of it came down to a conflict in brain weasels. We're both paranoid, but mine is that I feel like I'm being spied on and hers is that she feels like people are plotting against her. (I get that these aren't usually separate, but I don't generally think of people as plotting against me and she generally doesn't feel like she's being spied on, so they are for us.

    She kept reading my private text messages (over my shoulder, never without me around) and I kept being cagey and wanting her to stop... and it just didn't go well. We did talk that out! And have a way going forward that might not work but we're at least willing to try.

    But she also seems way too controlling of my time and that. hasn't been addressed. We live together right now. I spend almost all of my time with her. When I want to spend time alone with Forest (who I barely see) or time with my other friends, she acts like I never spend any time with her.

    It isn't even just that I want to spend time with other people. I'd like to be able to go do something and just spend time by myself at this point without having to justify it. I don't know how to fix this. She says that the time I spend with her doing homework or going grocery shopping or other errands doesn't count as spending time with her (but somehow doing those same things with Forest does?).

    She also wants us to get married because her parents are moving states and when that happens, she won't be an in-state student anymore. She can't marry her boyfriend because they're having problems (which I'm not entirely clear on because not my relationship and also wouldn't share because not my relationship) so she wants to marry me. And at first I wanted to too. But now I don't anymore because she told me that the fight we had isn't over and I said I can't keep our relationship problems separate from us getting married. But she can and she's upset that I can't, because if she can clearly I should too.

    And then there's other stuff that I can't tell if it matters because Ariel insists that it does't but. It's been eating at me.

    I openly identify as nb/agender. And I've decided that with that, I want to use gender-neutral pronouns like ze/zir or they/them. Ariel has said that she absolutely won't use ze/zir because they aren't real/aren't English which I disagree with but I figured she'd use they/them (and I understand that they/them is easier to use IRL). Only she recently told me that they/them was also too hard and she just wasn't going to use it anymore. So now we're back to using my assigned pronouns which. I thought wouldn't bother me (esp. because she was terrible about remembering anyone's pronouns so whatever) but the fact that she also actively tries to use they/them pronouns for other people is actually really pissing me off.

    Additionally, I've said that I'm considering doing hormones in several years. I also wear a binder on occasion. Neither of those things has anything to do with physical dysphoria - I like my body and feel comfortable in it. But I hate being continuously (mis)gendered, enough that I'm considering some kind of "transition." Despite being okay with hormones, I have absolutely zero interest in any kind of surgery. Ariel insists, however, that I need top surgery to "really" "transition" despite me repeatedly telling her I like and am comfortable with my boobs and don't want to remove them.

    She's also told me repeatedly that she considers my relationship with Forest to be straight and that it's part of her issue with me dating him and feeling like I like him more (because "het > gay"), despite neither Forest nor I IDing as cis. Which is both a) a personal problem tbh and b) really irritating misgendering of both of us.

    She makes fun of the fact that I'm afraid of going down stairs. Usually this isn't a major impediment to my life, but sometimes I really have trouble doing it and she acts like it's a personal insult? that I go slowly down stairs when that happens?

    She also plans on selling her eggs, which is fine, but is ... angry? offended? idk that I'm not. I told her that I would feel attached to any children created from my eggs and she told me that that was "really fucked up" and not a good enough reason for not selling my eggs. I don't understand why I need a better reason that "I don't want to."

    Dove is really really upset about all of this too. Dove and Ariel never really hit it off (Ariel only brings Dove as a gotcha when she thinks I'm violating Ariel and I's relationship) but ever since Ariel and I started having these problems, Dove has been pretty adamant that they way Ariel treats me is wrong.

    I don't know. I still feel like I'm culpable for a lot of the problems Ariel and I are having. Not sure there's any real advice anyone can give (other than maybe how to set time boundaries with a person I live with/am dating), I just wanted to get this written down. Dove has been lowkey insistent that she thinks Ariel is being abusive and that this could escalate.

    I think this was pretty all over the place so I'm just gonna post and come back to it.

    EDIT: I referred to my QPP as both Dove and Bird. I have changed all instances of "Bird" into "Dove" because it's literally the same person.
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2016
  2. missoyashirou

    missoyashirou Someone please give me a tiny dog to play with

    With all due respect, your girlfriend is a massive controlling asshole, and emotionally abusive to you and possibly her boyfriend as well. The fact she tries to isolate you is bad enough, but the surrendering and constant mocking is just horrid.

    If you left, what are your options? Can you afford a place on your own or with Forrest?
    • Like x 4
  3. Scheherazade

    Scheherazade It's a story fractal

    Yeeeah, your girlfriend sounds like a total dick. I mean, I don't actually know either of you, so I can't be sure. But things don't sound good, and if they don't change then I think you shouldn't stay.
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2016
    • Like x 2
  4. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker


    THE EGG THING. JUST. *hisses* not okay at all!!
    • Like x 1
  5. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    My shoulders crawled up around my ears reading this. Ariel is super, super controlling and disrespectful to you. Every thing you've described her doing is 100% NOT OKAY.

    That you feel really culpable in all of this worries me a lot. It sounds like Ariel is throwing temper tantrums or mocking you any time you show autonomy or preferences, and that is not your responsibility.
    • Like x 5
  6. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Yeah. Ariel and I aren't living together next year because what we plan on doing just isn't the same thing. She plans on transferring colleges and I'm studying abroad, so. The rooming together issue is a temporary one, since we're both on campus students at the same college. Our fight though, she threw a temper tantrum and intentionally made it impossible for me to sleep in our room, so. If she can't maintain basic civil behavior, I might see about moving out earlier. And if she's still here next year and I'm not abroad, I'm still gonna look at living elsewhere. I'm afraid she would be offended though. Dove (I realize later I referred to her as Bird, but same person) was intensely against Ariel and I rooming together but at the time I thought she was just overreacting so I ignored it. (She didn't know Ariel well at the time, so I just. didn't think she knew what she was talking about.)

    I'm not interested in living with Forest at all. Not because I rationally expect the same behavior from him, but once bitten, twice shy, you know? The only SO I would move in with is maybe Dove, because our relationship stretches back about seven years and it's just stable and supportive in a way that Ariel and Forest can't be because both relationships are so new. And that's pretty unlikely because we go to college in different states and our post-college plans also don't line up right now.

    I'm glad the egg thing bothered you? Idk, I felt like I was overreacting. I'm going to talk to Dove about it.

    It feels like Ariel's issues are whenever I show my own autonomy (and her whole deal with Forest seems almost entirely to be because I'm dating anybody, not because of him specifically) but. I can't tell. Dove is pretty firm in her position that Ariel is displaying abusive behavior and when I can't trust my own perceptions, I tend to rely on hers. The fact that she (Ariel) insists Forest is abusive really discredits her? Because Forest actively goes out of his way to make sure he isn't doing stuff that upsets me? And even if it's something that he's like, I don't get why that bothers you, he still stops? There's none of the minimizing and calling me overreactive that Ariel does, which puts my mother in mind who I'm pretty comfortable calling emotionally abusive. She thinks I'm his only support (I'm? not?) and that he's using me as a therapist. She also thinks that making accommodations for him because of his autism is coddling, though.

    The culpability is mostly because it takes two to tango and Ariel has repeatedly brought up that I'm not paying enough attention to her/not spending enough time with her. I'm also afraid that I'm just trying to paint her as abusive and am lying about the severity of what's going on. It's not any one big thing? It's just little things, like not using the right pronouns, or insisting that I spend too much time with Forest, or forbidding him from being in our room when she's in (which is effectively always).

    I'm also concern/excited, because Dove is visiting this Saturday and she hasn't met Forest yet and. I don't know what I'm going to do if all my SOs mutually dislike each other. I thought Dove and Ariel would get along but the mutual dislike is pretty intense. Ariel only ever brings up Dove when she feels I'm not taking her (Ariel's) opinions into account about my other relationships. So, for example, when Forest and I started dating, she very snippily asked if I'd asked Dove for permission/if she was okay with it. And was offended "on Dove's behalf" that I hadn't. But, Dove can have an opinion, but she doesn't have a say in my other relationships? She can look at me and say, I think there's something wrong with ours and am afraid that if you start a new one, you won't focus on this - which, still doesn't mean I can't start the new relationship. I generally choose not to, because NRE is pretty heady and distracting, and I value preexisting relationships more than potential ones, but my partners can't forbid me from dating other people. And Ariel seems to think she can? And that if she can't, Dove would be able to? And doesn't understand that Dove actively has anti-interest in that because she feels it would be a major crossing of boundaries. (I am an adult who makes my own decisions. Dove can have opinions, and give advice, but she can't make decisons for me and vice versa.)

    Idk the thing that finally made me decide to make this thread/really consider that this was fucked up was that I was defending the relationship to Dove and I sounded pretty much exactly like someone in an abusive relationship justifying staying. At this point, I'm also gonna keep a record of when things go wrong like this because if this is a consistent pattern, I'm. not sure I wanna stay.
  7. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    Yeah, no, I'm going to agree with Dove, that behavior is Hella Abusive. Like. I can understand having pronoun difficulties, but if Ariel is attempting to accomodate other people, and NOT YOU, her SO?

    That is one hell of a red flag to me.

    Same with the fact that she doesn't like anyone else who has your focus or attention.

    Her insistence that you have do do X in order to be Y - ie. The top surgery thing is another "fuck you, no" in my brain, too. Like. So much is making me grimace and be upset on your behalf.

    The egg thing especially hits home for me, because your reasons for not doing so are the same as mine. I was hella desperate for cash but it was still not enough incentive for me because of that, and the fact that she seems to think that it's a stupid reason and you should do what she wants? Serious controlling red flag. "I don't want to" should be enough - like, asking, in order to understand why? That's okay. Giving you shit for not doing something with your own damn body is not!

    Like. So, so many red flags.
    • Like x 3
  8. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Other people have already said what I wanted to about how toxic Ariel's behaviour is, so I wanted to address this part:

    Ok, so, I was in a situation kind of like Ariel's: I was dating a poly person, I felt like he wasn't paying enough attention to me, then he wanted to start dating another person, which hurt like fuck because he kept cancelling on me as it was, and he would have even less time for me if he was involved with a fourth person. I told him this, the ignoring me thing changed briefly and then went back to how it had been... so I broke up with him.* It takes two to tango, so I stopped the dance, as it were. There's a certain point at which you have to admit that your partner can't or won't change, and you have to make the best choice for yourself. She has the agency to break up with you, but she seems determined to try and force your relationship into a shape that she should know by now isn't happening.

    The fact that she's still trying to persuade you to marry her while saying you don't give her enough attention is... really really unsettling, btw.

    *There were, admittedly, other factors involved: he made me feel like he was interested in me as a way of being involved with my cis boyfriend, he used triggers as a way of censoring me, he ignored my own triggers, etc., etc...
    • Like x 4
  9. Scheherazade

    Scheherazade It's a story fractal

    ^ This. If you think the relationship is unhealthy because of her, and she's not going to change, then you should end the relationship. If you think the relationship is unhealthy because of you, and you're not going to change, then you should... also end the relationship. It sounds to me like it's definitely her, but even if it turns out it is you, not being in a relationship that makes you both unhappy is going to be an improvement for everyone.
    • Like x 3
  10. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    It takes two to tango, sure, but the impression I'm getting is that she insists on leading the dance all the time and randomly switches up to a waltz or swing dancing and then is a jerk when you get bewildered. Regarding the attention thing, to stretch this analogy a little further it kinda sounds like she's insisting you keep dancing, you never dance enough, even if you've been dancing for hours and need a rest.

    You said yourself that you spend almost all of your time with her. What are you supposed to do, drop all other obligations, relationships, and possibly sleep?

    ime it's rarely one big thing, but the death by a thousand papercuts feeling of a ton of little things - and the things that you described aren't necessarily little things. The misgendering, the invalidating, the isolating? Those aren't little issues.
    • Like x 3
  11. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So today went ... interestingly.

    Ariel has a friend of hers from high school over right now, he arrived Thursday night. I didn't really see either of them at all Friday because I literally went from classes starting at 8 am, to a two hour break for lunch and homework, to working until 9:30 pm. I also don't feel bad about this because the guest isn't my friend and I assumed Ariel would want to spend time with him. I went to a movie with them after I got off work, and then I went and spent the night at Forest's. I feel compelled to justify this because Ariel tends to demand I justify every minute I spend with him but. He's my boyfriend? And Ariel had her own guest over? Tbh I think that should actually be enough.

    Forest and I got up at 7 and he drove me to work (I am very very lucky Forest is better at getting up than I am, because my second alarm didn't go off and I nearly went back to sleep). I think Ariel forgot I was working today? Because she hasn't said anything since I texted her during my break telling her I was at work, but she seemed annoyed I didn't spend the morning with her and her friend.

    I got back a little before 1 pm, and by then Ariel was already at work herself, so I kinda hung out with her guest for about an hour. Not really, we made eggnog and small talk and I did the laundry and dishes.

    Dove arrived! She got her around 2 pm and I kinda ditched Ariel's guest because I wanted to be alone with Dove and I couldn't very well kick him out of my room. We just kinda chatted and for caught up for the first hour, and then we talked about Ariel.

    Since I am the absolute worst at conflict, to the point where it's a character flaw, we talked about things I can do. Like speaking up when Ariel says things that upset me, which feels like taking back, even though I know it's not. Also I have a set of things to say when that happens, so I don't have to worry about freezing up so much.

    I introduced Dove and Forest to each other. It went really well! They like each other or close enough. Dove likes and approves of Forest and Forest declined to comment beyond saying "she's okay" but I can work with that. At least they don't hate each other.

    Ariel kinda invited herself and her friend to my dinner with Dove. I was a little annoyed, because Ariel doesn't even like Dove and kinda wanted to be alone with Dove, but I figured I should stop being possessive of Dove's time and attention. So I asked Dove, and she didn't mind, so the four of us went to dinner.

    (I'm also a little annoyed because Ariel said that her guest and Forest weren't allowed to interact AT ALL so all five of us couldn't go to dinner. Dove was disappointed by this.)

    On the whole, the drive and dinner went well. At one point, Ariel called Forest an asshole (because he still has my bread pan that I lent two or three days ago), which bothered me, so I said he wasn't. It got kinda heated after that, though, so I dropped. But! I talked back. It's something.

    Because it's Saturday, I'm watching the walking dead with a friend and then spending the night with Forest. Ariel has taken offense to this because apparently she planned on having her friend, herself and I drink tonight and me spending time with other friends means I don't like her. Also, I already spent one night with forest, so that should be enough. The text she sent was passive aggressive emotional manipulation and I told her so and then told her I was done talking for the night because fuck that shit. I'm actually very angry because that works on me very well and I'm not going to let it. So we will see what happens tomorrow morning.

    There are other things I wanted to add, but kintsugi kinda ate my original version of this post (probably because I'm on mobile) so I'm gonna leave this here for now.
    • Like x 2
  12. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    ... That is a bizarre demand. Who to interact with should be up to her guest, not her.
    • Like x 3
  13. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    The reasoning went something like "[Friend] will hate Forest, and then I'll have to listen to him bitch about him, and I don't want to." And Forest was like yeah, whatever, you already ban me from the room pretty regularly anyway.

    Forest is however actually really respectful of the ban. He wouldn't come over and return to the pan today because it would violate the ban. Which is why I don't have my fucking bread pan.
  14. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So. Dove has been added to the group chat that consists of me, Ariel, Forest, Ariel's boyfriend (whom I don't know well enough to assign a clever name to) and Ariel's sister, Circus Bug. Forest is probably leaving this group chat because the last few times he's said anything in it, Ariel has flipped out on him. Every. time. (He asked me if that would be okay, I said I was fine with it, but neither of us know how Ariel would react, and so he's currently just not responding to it anymore. I ... feel really bad about this, because I know his reasoning for not leaving is he doesn't want me to have to deal with the fall out.) My reason for adding Dove was two fold: one, I talk in the group chat about my day a lot and then, because I've already talked about my day, I forget to text Dove and so have been texting her less frequently lately; two, it's an opportunity for Dove to observe Ariel and I interacting. (Fun fact: Ariel would rather have our fights in the group chat than in person with me! And this isn't just limited to me, earlier this summer she posted an entire private conversation between herself and her boyfriend to the group chat without his permission. He had never even met Forest before. And then she got pissed at me when I told her it was a breach of privacy and trust for her to have done that.)

    Adding Dove to the group chat gives her access to everything that has happened prior to her joining, and Dove had (polite) Words about how Ariel has been treating me and Ariel's boyfriend in the chat. I feel like I am making the rift between Ariel and Dove wider, and I suspect that Dove is angrier about Ariel than she is letting on. Dove has said she won't step in when she feels Ariel is mistreating me because she thinks it would make things worse (it would. it really really would). Instead, we agreed that she would text me about it when she saw it happening, and I will decide whether to ask Ariel to back off or let it go. This is helpful because tbh, having come from an emotionally abusive household, I am kinda shit at knowing what is inappropriate for people to say/text me and what isn't.

    Additionally, there is now a group chat between myself, Forest and Dove. Forest actually suggested it, because he said he'd like to be able to interact with Dove if she was going to be part of the group chat but can't really since being effectively run out by Ariel. The new group chat is nice so far, and Dove appears to be preferential to it. I am distressed to find that I feel I need to hide it from Ariel, because I know she would find it's existence offensive ("what do you three have to talk about that you can't tell me?!" is along the lines of what I expect). Considering she found the existence of a group chat between her boyfriend, Forest and I (because I was using it as a sounding board for gifts for her, and now her boyfriend and I use it to collaborate and tag-team gifts) upsetting, I think I have sufficient evidence for that opinion.

    Separate from this, I have no fucking clue what's going on right now. Saturday night, Ariel vague-blogged about me in the main group chat, I called her on it, and I wound up telling her I was done talking for the night. Sunday morning I completely failed to talk to her about anything before we went to work, and then during work, we had an unrelated fight were she said she was done talking to me until I was "done holding things against [her]." (She accused our friend and the president of the allies club on campus of favoritism because he suggested this freshman, Angst Muffin, for a club thing. Angst Muffin has largely failed to attend club meetings or otherwise participate in the club because he's a freshman adjusting to college, but he literally came to our school because of the allies club and had relevant knowledge for the club thing. She asked my opinion on the thing, I told her I thought she had been out of line. I dropped it after that? But then she brought it up, so I argued, and then when she came home for work, she told me that when she asked for my opinion, she didn't want a lecture. I genuinely don't understand where she's coming from, because all I said was it was out of line, and then I didn't? bring it up?)

    So after this, Ariel told me that we weren't going to talk AT ALL until we talked about our problems from this weekend and "before." I told her that her guest wasn't my friend and that I couldn't be expected to drop all of my pre-existing plans with other friends for him. We stopped talking. And then an hour later, she started sending me links on facebook and tumblr and because she's Terrible when she feels she's being ignored (she once stomped around our room, dropping things and slamming the doors because I was trying to sleep and she was mad at me), I responded (verbally, because has also yelled at me for responding to things via text if we're in the same room) and now? we're talking again? I don't understand.

    I am not apologizing to her for having plans with friends or for telling her she was rude to our friend.
  15. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    You aren't making the rift between Ariel and Dove wider - Dove is upset about things that Ariel has done.

    She wanted you to agree with her that it was preferential treatment.

    This basically reads like her using not talking to you as an attempted threat. You didn't react the way she wanted you to. Now instead of her being in control of the Not Talking you are, so she's sending links and stuff to get you to talk/engage again.

  16. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I am aware that it isn't actually me, but I still feel ... responsible. Despite knowing that it is Ariel's behavior leading to this. Dove has also been pretty emphatic about this not being my fault and told me I have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Pretty much. But I'm not gonna back down from this. She has since changed her mind that the problem is about preferential treatment anyway, and is instead that Angst Muffin isn't ready for the responsibility anyway and she's trying to protect him from the stress.

    Dove said the same thing. We are also talking again, so. Not talking to me doesn't really work as a threat? I was pretty content to just go to bed since I had said my piece about this weekend. She also may have just "decided" that the issue was resolved, because she tends to do that with disagreements and then bring them back up again when we're fighting (example: The "before" she was talking about. I'm pretty sure the problems she's referencing are ones she told me she felt were resolved on Thursday, which are "You spend too much time with Forest" and "You aren't meeting the minimum requirement for meals we eat alone together".)
  17. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I broke up with Ariel. Like, maybe six hours ago.

    I was really angry at the time. Now I'm just tired and sick feeling.

    I went over to Forest's to do homework with him around 2:30 and then Ariel texted me about two hours later with an ultimatum. It ... didn't really matter what the ultimatum was, tbh. I'm kinda allergic to them and after the "we aren't going to talk" attempted (?) manipulation of Monday night, I was really not in the mood for it.

    The text also included "And if you're trying to passive aggressively break up with me, fuck off and do it already." So.

    Before this, the only person I was really talking to about my issues with Ariel was Dove (and here, I guess, but this is ... very recent). I dunno, I felt like it was Personal and wasn't something to go running around and telling everyone (and here I am posting it on a public forum). But Ariel told Mama Cat, and Mama Cat sought me out, and I spent the last few hours talking to her and some other friends.

    It was very alarming to realize that after Ariel, Forest is the only person I interact with with any regularity, as opposed to this time last year, when I actually spent time pretty regularly with six or seven people. Like, I had a boyfriend (who I'm not dating right now) then. I'm a bit of a homebody, but it's not like me to not have a decently sized pool of friends. I broke Ariel, and I just. felt very alone. I don't know that I would have gone to Mama Cat, even though I would have described us as close and honestly really needed to talk to someone, because I don't think I've talked to her once since getting back on campus and I've been here two months. Outside of watch TWD and some mealtimes, I don't think I've interacted with any of my friends socially since getting to campus. I see them in class or for officer-of-club related duties, really.

    Anyway, Mama Cat and I talked. Mama Cat is a mutual friend of both Ariel and I and she became increasingly. concerned. as we talked. Pulled out a list of "red flags" for abusive relationships, concerned. She was very, very vocal about the things Ariel has said wrt my bodily autonomy as being Supremely Not Okay. She also told me that she thought Ariel was being unreasonable with time commitments and that she wasn't handling me having relationships, even non-romantic ones, with people other than her well. (She told me she thought Ariel's issue with Dove had nothing to do with Dove and everything to do with her being jealous of me having another important, intimate relationship that wasn't with her. I also think this, and have for awhile, but had never told Mama Cat this. I feel vindicated and also shitty for feeling vindicated.)

    Ariel has told me that Forest isn't allowed to sleep over, but her boyfriend can. I have told her that this is not okay, and if Forest can't sleep over, neither can her boyfriend. I have been called petty and unreasonable for this, and we are very definitely fighting about it. I don't want to fight. I don't think not fighting is really an option, because Ariel will only back off if she feels she has gotten her way.

    I'm spending the night with Forest. Ariel told me not to come back to our room tonight, and while I made a point of reminding her that the room is mine too, I don't feel up to interacting with her in person yet, so. Not gonna go back to our room.

    I dunno. I feel like if I never started talking to people about how things were starting to feel kinda awful, everything would be fine. Because I feel like talking to other people is what made the problems actually problems. (I am aware this isn't how this works.) I feel like Ariel is right, and talking to other people about this was me trying to passive aggressively end the relationship. I wasn't, or I don't think I was, but I feel like saying that is just me lying.

    Ariel is also telling people that she's the one who broke up with me. I'm not sure what I think of that. I'm not sure that I actually care.

    I'm not sure if I had an actual end goal in mind for this post. I'm just gonna end it here.
    • Like x 4
  18. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Been there. It sucks, but it passes.

    I hope you start interacting with more people again, and that you stick to your guns wrt "if Forest can't sleep over your boyfriend can't either". If there's any possibility of getting a room change, I'd grab it with both hands and not let go. Try talking to your RA or somebody.

    And if an e-hug would help, *hugs*
    • Like x 3
  19. Scheherazade

    Scheherazade It's a story fractal

    I think breaking up with her was the right call. Sorry it's tough right now, but hopefully you'll be feeling a lot better once things settle down some more.
    • Like x 3
  20. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Well. Things are not going terribly well right now. Ariel .... Ariel publicly made fun of something very personal and vulnerable to me yesterday. I am Not Happy. I am trying very very hard not to do anything right now, but honestly I just want to hurt her back.

    She's reorganized the room so that her desk and dresser form a barrier between our beds, which is whatever. She pulled everything that was mine out of "her" side of the room and out of communal things she brought (like her fridge). Interestingly, she has left her things in the communal things I brought. I fully expect her to take some of my things with her when we are no longer roommates at this point.

    She is still wearing my clothing and shoes. I am not entirely comfortable with now, because we aren't actually sharing things anymore, but I don't know how to go about this. I feel like telling her to stop wearing my stuff is rude. (Forest disagrees. Forest very strenuously disagrees. Forest also isn't very good at knowing what is rude or not and everything is terrible and the last thing I want to do is make a big deal about something that isnt.) I also think that since part of my motivation is "well, you decided to split all of our things apart and toss my stuff on my bed and the floor," that I'm just being petty.

    I really am going to follow through on "if Forest can't sleep over, neither can your boyfriend." I've spoken to the RA and we're going to go over the roommate agreement. We couldn't do it today, because Ariel was working and then had class immediately after (lie, she had at least a three hour window between work and class but whatever), and we can't do it tomorrow because I actually have class and then work. I may try to have us do it during the break I have during classes for lunch. I am also going to tell her boyfriend, who is visiting this week, that I don't want him spending the night and that I am talking to the RA about this. (I feel a little bad; I did genuinely like her boyfriend.)

    Additionally, she has started chatting Dove up. This is bizarre, because Ariel made no secret of her dislike of Dove and on multiple occasions (usually the kind that could be brushed off as "I was only joking!") had told me that I just needed to break up with her and focus on my "real" relationships. Dove is very uncomfortable with this, and while I am very very curious to see what, exactly, Ariel is trying to get out of this, I told her that if she wanted to cut contact off with Ariel, it was totally fine.

    Ahhhh, there are more things I could say, but at this point I think I'm just feeling angry and petty. Mostly, help re: boundaries. How do I tell a person that something that used to be okay is No Longer Okay?
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice