Spoiler: very personal, possibly triggery shit due to having issues with family and people at school when i was younger, i've always been really afraid of getting close to people. up until a few years ago, whenever i opened up to someone, they stabbed me in the back. but at the same, the events that made me lose my trust in people really messed me up. i've always been too weak to deal with it on my own. i'd tried bottling my feelings up, but it only delayed the inevitability of me cracking under the weight of it all. the gender dysphoria i've had growing up never helped. as i became unable to continue bottling up my feelings, i ended up spilling out all of my feelings to my now best-friend. i didn't trust them, and expected it to end as it always did, with me getting hurt, but by then, it was one of the only two options i had left. instead, they helped me through a lot of the stuff i bottled up, introduced me to the hobby i would eventually use to escape from my problems(cosplay), and helped me understand and accept my true gender. i grew to rely on them for emotional support. i've always felt i'm nothing but a burden on them, that i'm not worth the effort, even though they told me it was no problem, that i was important enough to them, and that i've helped them a lot myself. i had gotten better at making friends since i met them, and while i've still always been afraid to become close with people, i've also become terrified of losing my friends, and felt a need to become closer to to them all to avoid this. this belief strengthened after one of my friends committed suicide, which i blamed myself for by not being there for them when they needed me. i've thought myself beneath all my friends, and prioritized my friends' needs over my own. i thought myself worthless, and saw my friends as only having befriended me out of sympathy, so i was intensely loyal to them all, and tried to help them whenever things got rough for them, even when i wasn't actually feeling good enough or had the spoons to do so. one of my friends constantly started drama in the community, in which they always portrayed themselves as the victim. as i became closer to them, they had me "defend" them from people they didn't like. eager to have some value as a friend, i always did so unthinkingly. eventually, they started to become annoyed with me. i've always been horrendously bad at people, which i've assumed was an autism thing, and they seemed to find it somewhat embarrassing. furthermore, some times i simply was not feeling well enough to help them even if i tried, and it upset them. i'm also not sure, but i think they were annoyed whenever my problems drew attention away from their own. whatever the case, they decided to do something petty to me. i don't know if it was an excuse to cut ties with me, or they just wanted to hurt me, but they tried to turn my bedt friend against me. i've since made up with my best friend, and realized that this other friend was using me to hurt people, and it brings me to ask the titular question what is wrong with me? there must be something wrong with me to be so weak, so easily manipulated, some kind of misconception i've made about myself, or some kind of brainweird i don't know about for all this to happen, and i don't know who to turn to to figure out what the problem is. sorry for this post gradually becoming less coherent. i ran out of spoons part of the way through. i'll elaborate wherever needed, if asked.