Okay, so, I've just come back from the start of term briefings for my second uni term and my outlook is not the world's most positive one. The thought of the work that I have ahead of me (even as I have, just barely, managed to complete my coursework submissions from last term) is fairly despair inducing. Last term I was hardly able to do any of the reading, almost died once, and came out of it bedraggled and stressed (despite my simultaneously getting on meds, which so far have been of very mixed effectiveness). That was the term designed to be an easy intro into the course. Things are supposed to get exponentially harder from here on out. This is not meant to be the normal experience of somebody at the point in their life that I am. According to the lecturers today, this first year is supposed to have an emphasis on enjoying the course and getting the most out of the social aspect of it. Despite being very interested in the subject, I have yet to find the course anything other than daunting and stress-inducing, and as for the social aspect, I have so far failed to make a single friend at university (all my spoons are devoted to basic human functions and scraping by with the coursework). This last point is an even greater issue as, starting next week and increasing steadily over the next 2.5 years, the course will have an increasingly collaborative component that will generally be predicated on being able to make at least some friends on the course. I see so many references from other students about how much they are enjoying doing their uni course but... I don't see how I would ever be able to attain that. I would like to say "I don't know that I can do this course". The truth, of course, is that I probably am capable of it. It's just that the idea of doing all the work to come has about the same appeal as climbing Everest naked. Maybe I'm just lazy (it's what my parents would say), but whatever. Nonetheless, I seem set on a straight path towards doing, or at least attempting to do, this course. I mean... it's what's expected, it's framed as what I... have to do, I've already paid out a lot of money, and I don't even know what I would say to my parents. They would be exceptionally disappointed in my unachieving sedentary arse. Then again, I can't be too hard on my parents, given that I have been essentially lying to them for the past three years, to the point where I really can't imagine how I would navigate the fallout of attempting to honestly outline the situation for them. ("Hello mum, just letting you know, I'm failing my uni course. Also I'm severely depressed, have attempted to kill myself twice and was hospitalized one of those times (whilst, in our weekly skype call that week, telling you I was fine), have no friends at uni and remained in my room barely talking to anyone throughout the whole term, am something at least in the same ballpark to a low-key drug addict, and am actually a bisexual transwoman named "Josephine"". I'm not sure whether she'd not believe me, go into hysterics, or start to downplay all of it, and I am unsure which of those would be worse). So I don't know, really. I feel like I was going to say more stuff but I haven't slept in a while and am surprised I found the energy to write this much. I suppose the "right" answer here is that I should just suck it up and do the work just like everyone else. I know that's what's expected of me and what I should do. But I don't know. My morale is very low. Just looking for some input, I guess.
Your current situation honestly sounds intolerable. It's making something you enjoy into an exercise in stress. It's isolating you from your peers and your family. It's literally endangering your life. I don't know if you should do the course or not. It sounds like something needs to change, though.
First step, Josie: talk to someone at the University about this! There must be something like a course advisor, or a study advisor, or a counselor or someone you can go to with stuff like this. If they are anything like what they are in the Netherlands, they will be able to help you figure this stuff out, or if not, they will be able to help point you in the direction of someone who can help you figure this stuff out. If you don't know if this person exists, or don't have spoons to go looking, you are welcome to PM me your universities website, and I will go hunting around the website for you :)
I actually spoke to my supervisor on Friday. Despite trying to broach the subject-kinda, I absolutely failed to go into any detail about my difficulties, and I could tell she wouldn't have wanted to hear that from me anyway. I ended up just putting a positive spin on things as usual. Really not looking forward to proper classes starting tomorrow. Don't know how I'll deal. But I anticipate my mood dropping off a fucking cliff again.
Here's the thing. You don't have to go in detail if you don't want to, but to get help you absolutely need to stop putting a positive spin on things. You have to straight up tell her: I'm not doing so well right now, and I really, really need some help. Is there anyone at the university I can talk to?
can you email her? i tend to clam up and forget everything when meeting people face to face, but im good at 2am direct and to the point emails.
