What to do when anxiety fears come true after all

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by TwoBrokenMirrors, Jun 4, 2015.

  1. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors onion hydration

    So, uh, you know that boyfriend i talk about a lot? Not boyfriend any more. Some of you may remember the thread by anonymouse about the poly thing a week or so back that turned out to be him? Well, as it turns out, although I fully believe that he believed his feelings hadn't changed when he made that thread, once i actually journeyed up to see him for what was supposed to be a lovely relaxing two-week holiday at his house, he realised that they had in fact changed and that he was no longer romantically or sexually attracted to me. So he broke up with me on the second day. And I came home this morning.
    This is not his fault, and there's no resentment of him OR the other person he's probably going to now hook up with in me. There's not even resentment of having to spend money and time on coach journeys and altering tickets and so on, because I honestly believe that without the catalyst of me actually being physically present to cause his feelings to consolidate, this whole thing would have dragged on much longer and been much more confusing and unhappy for everyone. There's just... well, quite a lot of pain, because frankly I thought I was going to marry the guy. Currently I have put all the physical things he gave me in the attic, blocked him/removed him from contacts on skype and pidgin, unfriended him on facebook, unfollowed him on tumblr and deleted him from my phone. Again, this is not because I hate him, or he hates me, but simply because I don't think I can cope with talking to him like nothing's happened and watch him hook up with someone else and give them his love. Also means no more angelverse, which is going to be weird as hell after two and a half years of thinking about it nonstop. But that's not the point of this thread.

    The point of this thread is that I was afraid this was going to happen
    He only gained a significant friendgroup at his university relatively lately, earlier this year I think. But as soon as he did and he started being online less and talking about doing cool stuff with them more, I began to get worried, and frankly, jealous. My anxiety told me that he was going to like them better, that he was going to find someone else who was more interesting and less crazy and understood him better and leave me. And I wrote this off as just anxiety, but now it's true, that's exactly what's happened. And this happened with my previous ex as well; he began contacting me less and acting slightly strange, and I worried, and I told myself that it was just because he was super stressed at work and with his training courses, and then he broke up with me because he couldn't cope with the depressive spell I was suffering from at the time.
    And I just. How do I stop myself from... stopping myself ever trying to have a relationship again? How do I stop the little voice in my head going 'well this is just what happens when you get close to people isn't it, it never lasts, they go away'? How do I stop my superstitious nature getting out of control- already it's pointing out dumb things like 'all the cards from him you had on your desk blew over didn't they and you didn't right them for ages. and his one of the matching wristbands you wore developed a split but yours didn't. AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE SINGLE MAGPIES YOU'VE BEEN SEEING RECENTLY, HUH? OMENS, OMENS I TELL YOU'. Or even just stop myself from going over our recent history and going 'i should have seen it coming, he did X and Y and Z and that wasn't like him'.
    I also feel like a bit of a fraud at this point because I'm acting like I'm flipping out and I'm not. I'm sort of numb atm. I don't know what I'm feeling except occasionally just 'I wish this was a really bad dream'. I don't know if it's because the meds are working (had my dose put up recently) or if it's just because i'm super good at squashing all my emotions into little boxes.
    I'm just. Sad.

    P.S. for anyone who wants to give sympathy but doesn't know what to say, I can tell you what NOT to say: please don't try and tell me that I'll totally find someone else. It's not helpful at the moment. I don't want anyone else. I just want him back.
     
  2. pixels

    pixels hiatus / only back to vent

    I've totally been here. Know that this, these feelings, are temporary. Given time, you will heal from this. In the meantime: it is absolutely okay to feel things about this! Buy a gallon of ice cream and eat it straight out of the carton. Spend a day in grody sweats doing nothing but playing Solitaire and taking naps.

    Just remember that feelings are not facts. Your anxiety brain is trying to find a Reason. But your anxiety, that feeling, isn't a fact. It's just your brain shadowboxing with you.

    Also, fuck that ex who broke up with you for having the audacity to be ill. Fuck him right in the ear with a corroded garden hoe. You didn't want to be with him anyway if he was gonna be like that. What a putz.

    We're always here to listen if you need to vent. In the meantime, be nice to yourself for me, okay? Hugs.
     
    • Like x 1
  3. Missfortunate

    Missfortunate Emotional one

    Oh gosh I absolutely have lived this situation almost exactly and i agree with @pixels just some ixecream and some do nothings, maybe music if you can handle it right now, relaxation stuffs will go a long way rightnow, and while ther may have been some hints coming at you it doesnt nescesarily mean they were yknow?
    And i also second pixels point about that other ex, that some fucked up shit and he was definetly some kind of shitbag. Allowing yourself to feel this all now though is what you need and youl eventualy wake with an ability to even again and all of this while maybe not ok, will be something you recover from. I promise <3 *much hugs for you*
     
  4. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors onion hydration

    Thank you, both of you.
    I'm just finding it hard to know what I'm doing because I think it's a valid coping mechanism and what I'm doing because I have a martyr complex a mile wide and want to play the part of the poor abandoned loveless waif standing at the sidelines watching the love of their life waltz off into the sunset with another partner, having given him up For His Happiness. Despite being no such thing.
    Though I do hope like hell he's happy and doesn't beat himself up too much about this. He has a tendency to do that, and me disappearing probably won't help, for all he said he understood and didn't blame me.
    I will... probably soon have a shower, and play minecraft if my laptop is co-operating, and make a mug brownie. Good ideas.

    As for Old Ex, hah, yeah, well, the relationship with him was nothing like relationship with New Ex. He wasn't precisely a shitbag, but he really didn't understand that he had precisely no responsibility to Make Me A Better Person, and that the response to failing to do so shouldn't have been breaking up with me but dropping sad hints about how he loved me like he'd loved nobody before but it Wouldn't Work if I wasn't more stable/independent. To his credit he did say that it was his failing and not mine, but eh, the way he went about it wasn't great.
     
  5. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    oof. that is rough, Mirrors. I'm glad it's relatively amicable, but any relationship ending is tough.

    you might try treating the superstitious/overanxious brain volleys as the part of you that is flipping out - you know, a "yeah, brain, this is hard and it hurts, and I feel ya". maybe it will calm down a bit.

    take your time and let your feelings be what they are. :) they're valid and they exist. *hugs* for what it's worth, i think you're handling it really well, and there's nothing wrong with being a Hopeless Romantic(tm) for a while after a relationship ends. i think it helps you get through the emotions better.
     
  6. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors onion hydration

    I just wish I hadn't so clearly seen it having the potential to be For Forever, I guess. Oh well.

    Heh, I'm sort of doing that a bit with the part of me that's angry and bitter and spiteful and wants New Ex to fucking hurt for daring to have emotions that altered in a way that wasn't in my favour. It spends a lot of time pacing about describing horrible revenges and I spend a lot of time sort of metaphorically petting it and going 'I know. Please shut up. I know.'

    Thank you. I am trying to handle it fairly, because really it isn't anyone's fault, but I'm just. Very tired of the universe shitting on me, at the moment. There are other things on the horizon that have the potential to be Good Things, but I am so tired, and so, so wary of being optimistic about them, now.
     
    • Like x 3
  7. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    Many sympathies to you; that's rough. I don't have advice, but here is a kitty. (Picture not mine)
     
    • Like x 1
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