@unknownanonymous ty for the sentiments/feedback/encouragemrnt The spiraling brain stupid is my brain coming up with dumb sad things and confirmation bias like hell, and then me standing there shouting at it "no that's dumb i can recognize these as distorted thoughts!!!" And the distorted thoughts are like "lol yeah, but knowing how the tide works doesn't mean the slight erosion from waves and undertow won't pull you under, no matter how much you yell st the water" Want to fix want to fix want to fix Want to sit and feel solid Instead of feeling like water feeling like current feeling like tugging and pushing and pulling and getting knocked over and wanting to argue with people for being Wrong and wanting the world to stop making me feel thingsand eanting everyone to shut up and everything to slow down and everything to go back before I ruined my entire financial and employment situation so badly And its not even that ruined with dad helping me and roommstes being understanding and why am I complaining mom would ask over and over I don't know how easy I have it compared to her and fuck her fuck her fuck that Oppression politics don't help anyone Telling myself "sure, I'm scared and angry and hurting and executivefunctionfailing, but others succeed at doing more with less, therefore I am terrible and I should blame myself for things that aren't my fault, since clearly I'm not feeling guilty and ashamed enough od the things that AREmy fault because if I DID I'd be DOING SOMRTHING ABOUT IT WOULDNT I." Auuuuuuugh. Brain dumb. Augh.
@swirlingflight you're welcome! and yeah, your brain spiral does sound really bad and really hard to deal with. there isn't much i can do about most of the other things you're talking about, but i can reassure about the rp, so... yeah, just reminding you that the rp slowing down is not your fault. it just does that sometimes, for various reasons. and that it slowing down is totally fine. prevents it from becoming the Entirety of My Life, and if my executive function actually worked, haha. it'd give me time to draw the fanart for the rp that i wanna draw. don't worry, swirl, it's fine. nothing can run at full throttle all the time. even hamilton needed take breaks, lol, despite how much he denied it.
Inertia paired with panic. If we let it slow will we speed up? Will we drift apart and let the game die? It's so easy, evsn with games with months of investment. Iwant to keep this. I don''t want to feel like wanting to keep fhings is my highest priority. I want good things to last and grow and bad things to go away and so does everyone and and and but but but I am still ajd paralyzed in in wanting to grab at people and tell them what to do so I get what I want, and holding back and letting everyone do what they want, partly because even if I grabbe and pushed and ordered, and even if people rolled their eyes and obeyed, I wouldnt be ablr to keep that up either. High school play and I was a tech and we had this set of like five platforms that we hooked together in different arrangements. Except there were these two comnection points that only barely fit together. And hald the time in the performances we didn't tch them quick enough. So there was this group of us lying behind them literally holding them together while a bunch of elementary school kids for this one song did their thing and kept looking back at us, hollding it together while people danced around on them, holding it together so no crcks would form for people to trip on. Tiring and should not have neen necessary and shit happens. I wish I was a kid so I could walk down the hall to my parents room and curl up between them and cry and be hugged. Emotions are stupid ajd I am feeling all of them with so littlcause. This better be pms causing this emotional rollercoaster.
@swirlingflight well, while i can't guarantee that the game won't die, i can tell you that i'm invested in making sure it keeps going too. and i think everybody else does also, though i can't really speak for them. so yeah, i'll probably be there for a long time, at least. just, yeah, i love the weirdmageddon tango and the shitposting rave. :D and yeah, wanting to keep good things is definitely understandable. i myself have a lot of trouble with the idea of things ending. so yeah, there's nothing i can really do to make that feeling better, but yeah... you're not alone and that's okay, that you're not alone. and having the urge to be forceful and pushy like that is understandable. i've had that urge myself sometimes, and well, as long as you try to restrain it, it's an alright thing to feel. and yeah, i think you've been really good and nice and kind in the rp, and haven't done anything seriously bad.
Augh you are doing good at reading the words and responding with real reassurances, ones that aren't fluffy "all is well" bullshits, but just little, real things that I can believe in. Witchcraft! And ty.
thanks! that's 'cause i know that fluffy "all is well" bullshits can often be the opposite of helpful. like, for some people, they work but for me, personally, they don't. 'cause fluffy "all is well" bullshits are the type of thing you can say to everyone, no matter what they're actually like or what they do or how well you know them, whereas little, real things are much more personal, more special. you're welcome!
Heh. For me, it's like.... okay, my brain is telling me way-too-negative lies. And people wanna tell me fluffy happy things to help me feel better. Because swapping negative lies for positive lies will make me feel more secure about my ability to cope with reality? Ahahahahahahahahaaaa Little real details are things I can feel. Feel, as in reach out hands and push myself up off of. Like cement columns in the river/ocean of my mental imagery. Something solid to build off of. A bridge, or a dock. The groundwork (ha) for a way of moving through/over the water without forever being at its mercy.
yep. swapping one kind of lie for another just ultimately does no good, no matter what the intentions behind it are. and yeah, i get that. it's kinda similar to my logic, i think, actually. 'cause, in both cases, it is about finding a sense of Truth, that what is being said is being said 'cause it's True, not just 'cause it's Nice.
this chat helped a lot i enjoyed grandmom's birthday and she was happy i'll use this again in my future spiraling (of course more will come) and maybe haiku it's a fun challenge sometimes to restrict format
Good news: today's spiral of feeling like a sad helpless idiot isn't about roleplaying! Bad news: I'm in another such spiral. Card was declined for a not essential purchase. I am an hour from home, low on gas. Thankfully I squirrel money away in my car, so I have at least $20. But this means saying to dad that I'm not heading back to do tire responsibilities and such because I am miserable. And he hasnt responded to that text yet. And and and and he would be right to criticize me for being low on cash, for neglecting . Filling out certain paperwork in a timely manner, for not risking ruin and humiliation again and again. I am mad at myself. No way would he be kinder about it than me. I should go home and do my responsibilities, instead of showing up hours lateto pull him away from his. Fuck. Stupid.
Lower back pained me, emotions overwhelmed, yet I did not suspect. Today's splash of red Explains my tumult last night. A relief, of sorts.
It is almost noon. Do I get a prize if I Hide in room til then? "A growling stomach" Sounds like a terrible prize. So I should get up.
