Vent Back to your regularly scheduled wine&cheese tasting

• Tower runs stable in Mannheim, my uncle will ship it to me in two weeks #COUNTDOWN
• It's not any of the hardware as far as we know. Leaves the charger, and the distributor
• Uncle will check the charger before sending the tower back
• I accidentally also shipped the screen charger
• This is bad because my netbook screen died an hour ago and I mean died. With much, much luck I can get some display without backlight
• The screen takes my netbook's charger though
• Soooo I hooked up the screen to the netbook charger and the netbook
• No netbook charging during that time though
• fml
• Uncle promised me he'd send the screen charger early tho

 

Spoiler

it's not your fault.
and yeah, I kinda did, but had the 'maybe i'm just being a hysterical broken girl or i'm being petty' response so didn't feel comfortable saying anything to anyone else, especially after the whole accusation of favouritism thing :(
but like, that's on me? It's not a failing that other people didn't pick up on the thing from a person who is extremely good at manipulation and using the language of the vulnerable against them. If you don't have a lot of experience dealing with that particular brand of fuckery, it's a lot harder to spot.

 

1) Can someone sit on me and give me a strong backrub, please?

2) Is it normal that you have trouble, when you like, plop your hand on your face, you can recognize touch, but not which part is sending which signal, including warmth...?

 

Me: Works on a character concept, espc a type of character type I'm not familiar with
Me: Puts in SPR
Also Me: Gets ignored with that character. Quotes? Tags? Nah. Doesn't exist. Who cares.
Also Me: Feels frustrated and like a green-eyed monster when a different character comes in and effortlessly integrates themself into the conversation

Like thank you. I know I'm shit at this and no matter how much I try I can't get better, and I'm not interesting and should probably just fuck off and stop bothering people

 

At the end of the day I'm just a selfish bitch who can't even fake social things because I'm too damn self-absorbed

 

Everyone else can learn and grow and I just
can't

because nothing makes sense, and if i try to make sense of it anyways, people look at me like i'm fucking nuts, and it's wrong, or i get ignored, because you keep the crazy people at arm's length

im so fucking sick of this

but it's all on me and i can't expect people to cater to my own weirdness just because i can't fucking FAKE whatever bullshit is understood well enough, because none of it makes sense!

and in the end i'm alone again because that's all i ever amount to

 

i try something, it's wrong
i ask, it's wrong
i express frustration, it's wrong. wrong place, wrong timing, wrong what-fucking-ever

i feel miserable for feeling jealous because i know that person can post in their own vent thread and get responses and acknowledgement and support and i get nothing

i dont fucking exist

im too stubborn to die and too tired to hate but goddamn i'd love to be active and be heard and interacted with and acknowledged and it's just so damn impossible if all your attempts get summarily ignored because i'm not good enough, or the right kind of crazy, or what-fucking-ever

 

in the end you get less out of interacting with me than the effort you put in, so i suppose it makes sense

 

I'm too stubborn to die and too tired to hate but goddamn sometimes I just want to scream

 

i can't even support my moirail because i miss half the shit that's going on with them because they're all over the place and i don't have the spoons to even process it all, and when i hit the end of my own rope and just want to scream and push everyone away it kicks them down into their own downwards spiral

but goddamn i can't, now. i just fucking can't. i need, i must, not even to be a good moirail but to be a halfways decent person, but i just fucking can't

we're terrible for each other, who came up with this

oh yeah, that was me. me who fell in love when i should've known i'm too fundamentally broken and flakey to uphold my end of it

 

i know why i like characters who have power, control, and know how to deal with people

because i sure as fuck cant

jokes on me, you need to know how this works before you can try to pull it off
and we all saw how that went down

 

who am i even kidding here. no one saw, because i don't exist!
you may laugh now.

 

d'you maybe need to step away from the computer and make a warm drink and go somewhere safe and chill out a little? I don't know much about how you work i'm afraid but that often helps me out a bit.

 

(I'm going to bed but if you need to vent to an audience dump it in my pms here or on discord and i'll pick it up when i get online tomorrow and respond)

 

-offers hugs if wanted- I know how the feeling of trying something in the SPR and being ignored is, it sucks. I dont think it´s intentional on anyones part, but it does suck a lot.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You do exist, and people do care.

 

You exist, and you're nice.

 

I went and slept.
I still feel shitty, but somewhat less shitty than last night.
I still feel passive-aggressive, but somewhat less passive-aggressive than last night. (Translation: There will be pointed remarks in this post. It will not be as outright vicious as it would've been last night. You have been warned.)

That being said...

I did shut off my tablet and went to sleep, but sometimes you gotta lance and drain an abscess. It's ugly, it's painful, but it needs done.
Sometimes you just have to scream.

And sometimes you just have to scream at people who tell you to shut up and calm down.

And while I logically appreciate your care, I emotionally do not appreciate you telling me to chill down in my own damn fucking scream space.

Gee, I wonder.

Fuck, sorry. Was probably part of that at some point. I'll try?

Doesn't feel like it most times. Most of my "nice" is tight control on my temper and learned responses because what little is there of my character is utterly self-absorbed, but does not possess the emotional intelligence to manipulate people into liking me anyways.
If it's all fake, and bad fake at that, does it still matter?

That's a rhetorical question. I'll take opinions, but not if they try to disguise themselves as facts.

I work so ass-backwards I might as well be a Hope player by GGTG's interpretation of the aspect.
That, or functionally indistinguishable from a Narcissist. There's a script, because there always is, scripted things are nice and safe until I feel safe enough that they become boring. Telling other people the script goes off-script, because then it's just telling me what I want to hear. If they do not follow the script they have no way of knowing, it's wrong.
It's times like these that the part of my brain that recognizes other people as people and not just elaborate punching bags and props shuts the fuck down. Fake!ETA from four paragraphs down because my brain is all over the place trying to process and logic it out: Sounds like a malfunctioning self-defense mechanism. The logic behind it appears to go like "if they're just props and actors they need to follow the script, and once everything is back to the script it's safe again", which is quite glaringly and obviously faulty logic. Cases like this have no script, because they are deliberately construed as no-win situations. Note wording. See the Xanatos Gambit part two paragraphs below.

People telling me "no, it's not like that" are aggressors. If my feelings are not valid, then nothing is, and I am too stubborn to accept that.

People responding with worry/care become targets, because they approach while I'm raging myself out and wailing on everything in reach, even if I logically and emotionally know that it's not fair. Where is the line of getting the bad shit out, and at which point do I need to stop before I start hurting other people? It's devious in its setup, really. I simultanously do and do not want to hurt people, possibly because data suggests that once I start hurting people, I get taken seriously and people engage with me. I cannot squash the urge to hurt, because it starts festering, and turns against myself, until some shred of learned self-preservation lances it and then it turns outward.
On both a logical and emotional level, hurting people feels shitty, because I know what it's like. I don't want to be like that. That does not change the fact that I am like that, be it in these cases in which I know that my behaviour is so out of the norm that it must hurt people (and they outright tell me), or, as it is in the vast majority of cases, in which I do not notice that I'm hurting people. I can parade lack of cerebral processing power around all I want, it's an excuse.

It's a Xanatos Gambit, go figure. One of my favourite types of plans, and since I have time to plan, it turned right against me, and everyone else.
If people approach, they have no chance of doing it the right way, so I get targets for my rage. I win.
If people approach, they have no chance of doing it the right way, so I get to say that no one understands. I win.
If people take the only winning move of not playing, I get to say that no one cares anyways. I win.
...
When I woke up this morning, this had more branches. Fuck my memory.

Humor helps, I suppose. Dry remarks can go either way -- might just serve as kindling.
Something firm enough not to register as target, but also acknowledges the feelings as valid.

Stuff like "it's not like that" or "that's just your brainbugs talking" is bad, real bad, and I don't know if I didn't utterly blow up at my moirail last night because I still had some restraint left in that part of the conversation before I had my meltdown in here, or because I somehow successfully hardcoded myself against doing that to them. Even if I'm the kind of shitty person who says shit like that. Memo to self: Once I'm done processing this shit, apologize to moirail for asshole behaviour in this and past cases, and inquire ways to phrase things better.

Phrasing "you might want to" is bad -- tells/suggests me what/how to feel. Phrasing "You sound like" is better -- it's more interpretative, I guess? Less what my part of it is and more what the other person's interpretation of it is.

Logicking at me is icky. I usually start logicking at myself before me flipping my shit at myself becomes obvious to the outside. Frantic and unworking attempts at getting myself down from it. The first part of it is emotion defenestrating logic, and it's a long 5'4 down, without an elevator, and logic is limping by the time it dusts itself off after it has hit the ground.
Chances are that whatever logic you bring to the table, I've already dissected it, acknowledged it, and filed as not good enough. (Especially when I've already posted it. If I'm currently typing it up, you're shit out of luck -- see the Xanatos Gambit part above.)


tl;dr Stay on topic and try to make me laugh, I guess?

 

I know salt is cleansing, and I used to love sea salt baths when I was a kid, but right now they just don't.... work. I think I'm gonna head down to the drugstore and get a herbal bath, I never got more after I emptied my lavender one.
And lemonade.

And then take a long, hot bath with a bottle of lemonade before the Trick&Treating starts.

Oh, and chocolate. I haven't had chocolate in a week or something.