I don't really have any idea how to word what I'm trying to say here, and I'm also not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, because I'm currently running on two hours of sleep + pain meds, but here goes. For a long time, every time something bad happens to me, I've thought of it as being like karma, you know, like a punishment for something. Which probably wouldn't be that weird, except lately I've realized that I usually think of it as being a punishment for something good that happened to me? Like, for example, yesterday I got tickets for a band I really like's meet and greet on my birthday, and I was super excited. Then last night, I (gross, sorry) started my horrible, awful period and have been pretty much laying in bed all night and all day dazed from pain and unable to sleep. Once my mom brought me my medicine from home and I became more lucid, I caught myself thinking, totally nonchalantly, "oh, this must be because I was so happy yesterday". This is just one example out of the many, many times I've thought something like that, and over worse things than this, too. That was just the first example that came to mind. Sometimes it goes the other way, too- while something good/that makes me happy is currently happening to me, I catch myself worrying about what my "punishment" is going to be later. So like... Why do I not think I deserve to be happy? Why do I think I need to be punished for it? What is my brain's deal? Sorry if this post made no sense, and sorry if this is posted in the wrong place. OTL
here's a postsecret i found when i was a freshman in college, and that i've held in the back of my mind for when i feel like this: you aren't being punished, you just haven't been rewarded yet. i don't always believe it, but it helps sometimes.