wixbloom's journal

Okay, I am reaching the level of upset that indicates that I probably should go take a walk, drink some water, do some coping

 

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good vibes

Edit: switched music video to the chiller, acoustic version of the song that I have on my iPod​

 

MOOD
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Got the most unfairly negative performance evaluation I've ever gotten. They deduced points in categories in which the written evaluation said I had done a perfect job. My boss also yelled at me for not pursuing administration-related classes to get a capacitation bonus, even though I got a college diploma 12 months ago. I almost cried with rage, and I still want to. I'm so angry and insulted.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. That sounds really unfair.

 

As it turns out, the Friday after this one we have a work meeting in the vipers' nest that is my bosses' office and there's gonna be, like, not just my boss but also my boss's boss who is Terrible. And the combination of being very upset with me watching lots of Critical Role has already put me in the mood to ressurect my years-old coping method of attending the thing in-character as my old RP character Nic Winter, spy extraordinaire, master of pokerface, telling everyone what they want to hear while subtly judging them, also what are feelings and how do you get rid of them. My hair is the wrong color and also it's summer so I don't have anything to wear that Nic would be caught dead in, but I can definitely listen to their playlist on a loop and arrive at the meeting properly Competent and Murderous.

 

How to go from zero to "let's see if the mods will also spite-quote me in an unrelated forum and vaguely threaten me due to a dissenting opinion" in 2 forum messages or less

I hate conflict, and am shaking, but the absurdity of this is really horrifying to me.

 

This is fun, I'm actually crying.

 

witnessed. for what it's worth i think you're pretty fucking brave. take care of yourself.

 

I am, at least, very proud of myself for saying this. I will be prouder if I manage to actually do it, and disengage before I escalate.

 

As well you should be. If you need support, shoot me a PM, or come hang out with me in the tiki thread.

 

@An Actual Bird Thank you a lot for your messages, they really make me feel happier. As it stands, though, right now I think talking more about this will only rile me further and the best thing I can do is follow my own advice and go watch Critical Role, make art, meditate, watch the sunset and generally engage with the things that make me feel strong and happy.

 

And here is my double reminder that

• the people who I admire are as fragile and fallible as I am
• the people I have a hard time getting along with are as committed to experiencing happiness and avoiding suffering as I am

And that the little voice in my head that told me "do you want to post this just so people can see how enlightened and kind and superior you are so they won't hate you for engaging in conflict" is wrong in every conceivable level and can suck it.

 

Processing a bit,

What I'm upset about is, specifically:

• the idea that if you write the wrong enough things, the mods get to make what basically amounts to a callout post that calls you a serial abuser just because they're sufficiently sad and angry
• and, when I contested that, the condescending language and suggestion that I am tone-policing, while refusing to engage with anything I said except by suggesting I go away
• the fact that after hearing that I am actually considering going away

The latter is the one I'm the angriest and most miserable at, especially because it has nothing to do with forum relations or the mods and everything to do with just how my brain works. It was a dickish thing to say but I know my reaction is being disproportinate in relation to the offense. I just feel very threatened by this type of response. I'm always strongly concerned with maintaining my bonds of affection and community and this kind of thing hits me really hard.

 

Aaaaaaaaaand I'm crying again, holy shit.

And ALSO having this deep insistent fear that now everybody hates me and the mods hate me and I have Marked Myself Forever as a person to be hated,

because I said that calling someone a serial abuser because you're pissed at them is not the right way to deal with your feelings.

 

If this is unwanted, I'll delete it, but I certainly don't hate you

I'm not a mod or anything but I hope it helps a little

 

yfip: wixbloom

• says one thing that they know will not be universally liked
• "everyone will judge and hate me now!"
• cries for hours

thanks, brain

 

It's not unwanted, though I feel a bit guilty that you felt the need to reassure me. I know this isn't a rational fear, though of course it also didn't come from nowhere and has basis in past experiences of reoccurring abuse and bullying. I'm coping as best I can.

Thanks <3

 

If it helps, I certainly don't hate you! I think you're a really cool person. Hope you feel better soon. *hugs if wanted*

 

Hey, since you asked, it actually doesn't help? I'm not mad or anything, but this kind of attempt at reassurance is making me feel guilty. Hugs and other expressions of sympathy that don't directly acknowledge this particular brainbad work best, but I'm super thankful that you replied anyway <3